Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
It’s a bit redundant to say so, because aren’t all award shows just an excuse for fashion houses to clean out their local Fabric Barn and send a famous person down the carpet in more material than a 1980s canopy bed set? But the Emmys did see a lot of by-the-yardage last night, like on Jessica Biel, who said yes to a white Ralph & Russo dress. If you think Jessica and Justin Timberlake look like they stopped by the Emmys on their way to appearing on the top of a wedding cake, you’re not the only one.
Keri Russell might soon be fending off die-hard sci-fi creepsters hating on her via social media for appearing in a Star Wars flick while…not being white enough? Not being busty enough? Not appearing in a leather bikini while chain-choking a Donald Trump lookalike? According to The Hollywood Reporter, Russell’s next role might be in Star Wars: We’re Sure To Piss Off The Mouth-Breathers With This One.
Star Wars: Episode IX is being directed by JJ Abrams, who created Felicity. So she’s got the part. Since Felicity, JJ went on to take over the two biggest sci-fi franchises in the land (Star Wars and Star Trek) and Keri and her 1980s pussy bow blouses wowed the critics as a Russian sleeper agent posing as the mom next door in The Americans. Keri and JJ last worked together on the Abrams-directed Mission Impossible III which she was in for about three minutes because that short-ass diva Tom Cruise refused to be upstaged any more than he had to be by the WB’s second brightest star.
The ninth installment of the Star Wars saga will reportedly wrap up the current storyline and has already begun shooting in London with Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, Oscar Issac, and John Boyega reprising their roles from the last two movies.
Keri’s character on The Americans killed loads of people while wearing a variety of wigs so she should fit right in with all the Star Wars spaceship battles and creature makeup. There’s no word yet on what character she would play. Hopefully, her part would have nothing to do with Solo: A Star Wars Story because even the incels didn’t bother with that one. That says something because it was a whole new opportunity to terrorize innocent space actresses.
As if Madonna needed to physically show us how thirsty she is. We know, girl!
Every year, Madonna descends upon the Met Gala with more excitement than a clown who just snorted a line of crushed espresso beans. Last night was no different. Madonna showed up in Duck Dy-Nasty camo couture, swigging something from a canteen. Who cares what the theme was; Madonna wanted to do drunk Bass Pro Shops beauty pageant queen, and so that’s what Madonna is gonna do.
Of course, Madonna did disappoint a teeny tiny bit. I’m of course talking about the fact that her ass – arguably the Met Gala’s most frequent guest – was nowhere to be seen last night. Given the theme of her ensemble, she could have taken it further by letting her ass cheeks flop around behind her like two plucked mallards. Madonna’s look was done by Jeremy Scott for Moschino, so I blame him for that.
Emma Stone really didn’t have much to say about that junior prom princess dress when she reached Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet of the Golden Globes last night. The face she’s making in that picture above kind of says all that needs to be said, really. It’s very “Please direct all Worst Dressed lists to my stylist.”
Cate Blanchett was at the Tony Awards in NYC last night, because she’s making her Broadway debut later this year in a show that isn’t Hamilton. (I know, why are other shows even bothering?) Judging by that butchered-up look on Cate Blanchett’s body, I’m guessing that she was also there, because she knew that most thi-turr people play it safe by wearing the most boring dress at Lord & Taylor, so she needed to give the public something that’ll hurt their eyeballs and make their retinas curl. Thank you, Cate!