Open Post: Hosted By The Penis Snakes Taking Over Florida

/ August 1, 2021

Florida already hosts plenty of dicks in the form of idiots doing stupid shit over there, not to mention the ever-renewing supply of menacing animals trying to kill everyone when they’re not being stashed in the pants of some of said idiots, so they don’t really need more dumbassery going on with the animal kingdom. That said, it’s not like anyone ever gets a choice in the matter, so strap in, y’all.

And speaking of straps, today’s critters of note will probably find themselves chased by horny Floridians attempting to attach extremely sturdy leather ones to them for scientific research purposes that begin with lewd insertions and likely end with ER visits. According to Creative Loafing Tampa, the creatures in question are neither snakes nor penises, but let’s not let technicalities get in the way of the slippery, dusky-violet dildos of everyone’s dreams.

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Gerard Butler Filed A $10 Million Over Profits From “Olympus Has Fallen”

/ August 1, 2021

The movie stars are revolting! The movie stars are revolting! Mickey Mouse is currently in the gym, doing crunches, working on his footwork, and punching a bag held by Coach Goofy, because he’s preparing for his upcoming legal tussle with Scarlett Johansson over Disney releasing Black Widow on its streaming service the same day it was released in theaters. Mickey may have to step up his training because there’s a chance star of Cruella Emma Stone may tag-team in by filing her own lawsuit against Disney too. But while ScarJo’s lawsuit is over her losing out on multi-million dollar box office bonuses thanks to Disney’s simultaneous release of Black Widow on Disney+, Gerard Butler’s lawsuit has nothing to do with shit like that. His lawsuit takes us back to a simpler time in 2013 when we were free of both COVID-19 and a zillion streaming services. Gerard is suing because he believes he was cheated out of $10 million in profits from 2013’s Olympus Has Fallen. Good luck to those producers, because one of the Rules of Life is: Never ever mess with a dude who fucked in a Porta-Potty at Coachella.

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Simone Biles Withdrew From The Individual Floor Exercise Final At The Olympics

/ August 1, 2021

Everyone with a functional sense of awe and appreciation for the heights an impeccably trained and talented human body can reach will feel at least a little selfishly deflated by the news that Simone Biles has withdrawn from Monday’s individual floor exercise final at the 2020 Tokyo Games, after having previously pulled out of both team events and the individual all-around. But there’s also a sense of relief that she is continuing to look out for her mental and physical health by not taking life-threatening risks, unless, of course, you’re the paragon of compassion that is Piers Morgan, who barfed up a stream of breathtaking wisdom wrapped in humanity, doused in heart and unicorn emojis, and tied in a candy-pink ribbon blessed by fasting monks on the waxing moon. Saturday Night Live’s Michael Che, who was also planning to take a swipe at Simone, later joked that his account had been hacked. Watching Simone slice, twist, and leap through the air while appearing to defy the laws of physics in this event is always a completely absorbing, jaw-dropping pleasure, but now I guess I’ll have to mine more athleticism from my own days by getting up off the couch to grab the remote five feet away instead of coaxing the dog to fetch it. Don’t judge! According to ESPN, there is still one more event, the balance beam final on Tuesday, and her participation has not yet been decided.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ August 1, 2021

The Badass Street Ruler of Bolton!

There’s that whole myth that crossing a black cat is bad luck. I say “myth” because it’s wrong. The truth is that crossing ANY cat isn’t a good idea because cats are never the ones, and obviously, this dude here didn’t get the memo. Because recently, he was driving and had to stop for a black cat sitting in the middle of the street as though they owned the place (and they do!). And when the dude dropped some “move bitch, get out the way” moves on the cat, the cat responded with, “No, you, move bitch!” And it worked because the dude had to drive around the cat. So it looks like the score is now: humans – 0, cats – 21,999,244,666,000.

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Birthday Sluts

/ August 1, 2021
Jason Momoa (42)
La’Porsha Renae (28)
Leon Thomas III (28)
Jack O’Connell (31)
Tiffany Young (32)
Max Carver (33)
Elijah Kelley (35)
Henry Lloyd-Hughes (36)
Tyler Farr (38)
Ashley Parker Angel (40)
MTV (40)
Tempestt Bledsoe (48)
Roshumba Williams (53)

Pic: Instagram

James St. James (54)
Sam Mendes (56)
Adam Duritz (57)
John Carroll Lynch (58)
Demián Bichir (58)
Coolio (58)
Chuck D (61)
Joe Elliott (62)
Giancarlo Giannini (79)
Jerry Garcia (1942-1995)
Yves Saint Laurent (1936-2008)
Dom DeLuise (1933-2009)
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Open Post: Hosted By Jetpack Man Hovering Over L.A.

/ July 31, 2021

Last Wednesday, a curious phenomenon cavorting in the moody and ribbony, caramel haze otherwise known as the sky over Los Angeles, appeared for the fourth time since it was first spotted in 2020. Not a bird, not a plane, and perhaps not even the same human decked out in fancy flying gear each time, but according to Mashable, there’s some definite UFO shit going on in the shape of a dude with a jet pack, and LAX is on alert.

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