Open Post: Hosted By The Foiled Attempt To Use A Million-Dollar Bill At A Dollar General

/ April 17, 2021

I always feel like an asshole whenever I pay for a two-dollar item and have nothing smaller than a twenty, but my asshole days are clearly over and perhaps yours are, too (at least on this front), because Tennessee’s Amanda McCormick and Linda Johnson have plucked the crown from all of our “make change before shopping here, you idiots” heads and brought out the biggest bill ever with which to pay for their purchase.

Sadly, the money in this “I can’t believe it’s not Florida” story was not only too big to make change, but was also as fake as a Kardashian’s skin suit. At least our asshole cash is legit. According to The Smoking Gun:

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Katy Perry Bitch Slaps Social Media Via Social Media

/ April 17, 2021

Hot on the heels (no, not Tom Cruise’s sizzling-hot heels) of Chrissy Teigen finding her way back to social media after a dramatic Twitter flounce that lasted all of 22 days, Katy Perry, 36, took a moment out of her busy day explaining the farting noises of her latex dress on American Idol to inform her more than 100 million followers that social media totally sucks, and that we’re all, like, doomed.

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Prince Philip Has Been Laid To Rest

/ April 17, 2021

A week after Prince Philip, THE QUEEN’s husband and companion of 73 years, died at 99, he was laid to rest in St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle. And well, I should’ve expected this, but I caught a case of the sad feelings in the heart area from seeing THE QUEEN sitting all alone inside the chapel. Couldn’t someone have soothed the sads a bit by handing her one of her new Corgi puppies, all dressed in mourning black?!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ April 17, 2021

Jessie, the Pomeranian-saving hero Staffie!

In 2017, the reboot of Baywatch, starring The Rock and Zac Efron, came out, but I’m sorry, this video is the only reboot of Baywatch that I acknowledge! Shit, even David Hasselhoff wishes he was as good at saving lives as Jessie the Staffie is. Jessie earned herself whatever is the South African equivalent of the Medal of Honor by saving her dog brother from going to Jesus by drowning.

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Birthday Sluts

/ April 17, 2021
Victoria Beckham (47)
Rooney Mara (36)
Luke Mitchell (36)
Alaina Huffman (41)
Monet Mazur (45)
Jennifer Garner (49)
Jim Acosta (50)
Claire Sweeney (50)
Redman (51)
Tami Roman (51)
Adam McKay (53)
Kimberly Elise (54)
Henry Ian Cusick (54)

Pic: Universal Music Group

Liz Phair (54)
William Mapother (56)
Maynard James Keenan (57)
Lela Rochon (57)
Sean Bean (62)
Nick Hornby (64)
Olivia Hussey (70)
L. Scott Caldwell (71)
David Bradley (79)
Rebecca Luker (1961-2020)
Roddy Piper (1954-2015)
William Holden (1918-1981)
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Night Crumbs

/ April 16, 2021

The Sex and the City revival that nobody asked for (well, except for the checking accounts of those involved) just got even worse. Because for some reason, they’re bringing back Aidan Shaw (played by John Corbett). I guess they want Carrie to fuck him over for the third time. But really, no Samantha, no Mr. Big, and no Steve?! Instead of Aidan, they should’ve brought back the silver fox politician (played by John Slattery) who wanted Carrie to piss on him. I mean, the revival is probably going to be shit without Samantha, so they may as well have some piss in it too – Celebitchy

I guess Drake wants his head to look like a Care Bear’s ass because he got a heart shaved into his hair – Lainey Gossip 

While working a stunning mullet, Troye Sivan showed off his Melbourne house to Architectural Digest. It is a gorgeous house, and yes I’m only saying that because he’s got dick plants next to his bed – OMG Blog

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