At this very moment, Tom Cruise might be sorrowfully looking at the relationship contract he planned to romantically present to Shakira. Because People Magazine reports that Shakira and Lewis Hamilton are casually dating. But you know, Tommy shouldn’t give up hope just yet, because there is a chance that Shakira and Lewis’ blossoming love could explode into a cloud of caca fumes after she dares to shit in one of his toilets! –Lainey Gossip

Ken Jennings isn’t a fan of Jeopardy!’s mid-show interviews, which sometimes are where awkward and boring meet. With that being said, Ken needs to stop with his mid-show interview slander because if we didn’t have them, how would we ever find out that contestants got stung by a bee at camp or mistook the sun for the moon one time? – Pajiba

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Jennifer Aniston has partnered with a home fitness brand called Pvolve, and she’s talking to InStyle and British Vogue to promote that shit. Apparently, Pvolve’s whole thing is exercising without pushing yourself to the point of exhaustion/injury/death. 54-year-old Jennifer says this approach appealed to her cuz her old fitness routine used to be so intense she eventually “burnt out and broke my body.” Ugh, so relatable. That’s, like, my main issue with fitness. I simply go too hard and too long. I’m definitely not one of those losers who joined a gym in January, went once a week for three months, and then stopped going because “the weather got nice, so maybe I’ll take up jogging” (and, no, this hypothetical schlub did not take up jogging).

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Yesterday, paps caught Doja Cat yachting it up on a yacht down in Los Cabos, Mexico. And she wasn’t just showing off her “hourglass figure in tiny bikini” nearly three months after getting lipo and a breast reduction; she was also making out with some dude. Now, I’ve never seen this guy before, but according to TMZ, he’s J. Cyrus, an actor/comedian/streamer/“influencer” type. And guess what? He’s problematic! SKPop reports that since the yacht make-out pics hit the net, J. Cyrus’ old racist tweets and allegations of harassment have resurfaced.

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Be nice to us uncultured swine who’ve been eating, breathing, and shitting the Vanderpump Rules “Scandoval” between Tom Sandoval and Raquel Leviss behind Ariana Madix’s back, because the final part of the reunion aired on Wednesday, leaving us in mourning (until Secrets Revealed next week). As Emily recapped the other day, many unbelievable things went down at the last installment of the reunion, like Raquel asking Tom if they could get Ariana to be in a throuple with them. But one of Tom’s comments about Ariana keeping a t-shirt on during sex reigned evil supreme. Ariana’s thriving now and, as we know, is already capitalizing on the shitty comment with “Fuck Me In This T-shirt” t-shirts (above). And VPR fan Amy Schumer was on last night’s Watch What Happens Live, where she said she’s on Ariana’s side and is a sex-in-a-shirt supporter.

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Now that Sam Smith has realized their new goal of being the sexiest slab of raw chicken in the world, they’ve teamed up with Madonna to unleash a new song unto the masses. Initially, Sam and Madge teased an upcoming song, but at that point, it was just speculation. For us, at least. Because, unlike Madge’s upcoming tour that may or may not reach completion, the song is finally here. And since Sam is in their “I wanna be shocking and NEKKID!” phase, teaming up with Madge makes sense. Sam and Madge’s song, aptly titled Vulgar, and it’s the kind of beat you’ll be hearing on your drunkest days while slamming two-for-one Tito’s mules at bars all across the world during Pride.

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