Millennials Are Risking Death By Eating Avocados In States Where They’ve Been Recalled!

/ March 26, 2019

Nothing comes between millennials and their avocado toast – even the morgue, dammit! We all know that the REAL reason none of us own a house is because of $8 avocado toast and $5 lattes (forget about the crippling student loan debt!), and apparently the dedication is driving people to eat the green stuff even when it poses a fatal risk to one’s health. Despite an avocado recall in six states, millennials are sticking to eating the stuff. Don’t you feel in awe of the future leaders of the world?!

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Open Post: Hosted By Pope Francis Snatching His Ring Away From Greedy Mouths

/ March 26, 2019

Today I learned that it’s now considered gauche to kiss The Pope’s ring. It’s simply not done anymore. At least that’s what our new school, Rock ’N’ Roll Pope thinks. According to The Independent, Pope Frankie Says Relax is not about that groveling shit. During a recent mass at Holy House of Loreto in Italy, Pope Francis specifically asked the public not to kiss his Ciotola Super ring, but to no avail. The assembled masses seemed to take the request as a challenge. You could probably hear the sound of thousands of caps being popped off of thousand of tubes of  chapsticks sticks as the people prepared to pucker up. Apparently, kissing the Pope’s ring is worth huge Catholic Bingo points.

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Justin Bieber Defends His Hailey Baldwin Marriage And Says New Music Is Coming After Treatment

/ March 26, 2019

Buckle up, kiddos. Justin Bieber is pissed y’all have been taunting his marriage to Hailey Baldwin. Oh, and he has new music planned. Earlier this month, the Biebz asked us all to pray for him, which I thought was because he had spent an afternoon in the presence of Anna Wintour for that Vogue spread with Hailey. The asking for prayers was due to his mental health situation. But he took time to say there’s new music planned on the other side of his treatment. Also, he wouldn’t mind if people who pen Justin/Selena Gomez fanfiction lay off the Hailey bashing.

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Nicolas Cage Is Probably Going To Give Marriage A Fourth Try

/ March 26, 2019

Strike up the band (a Kazakhstani death metal band with a Tuvan throat singer as the front man) and check Target for a bridal registry (12 Instapots and a single cheese board in the shape of New Jersey), Nicolas Cage just applied for a marriage and listed his girlfriend of almost a year, Erika Koike, as his intended. If the state of Nevada finds no reason to deny Nic’s request, he and Erika will be free to marry anytime within a year of its issuance. If everything goes to plan, Erika will be free to join the prestigious ranks of Nic’s ex-wives which include a woman who also married Michael Jackson (Lisa Marie Presley), the star of TV’s Medium (Patricia Arquette), and a woman who allowed her child to be named Kal-El (Alice Kim). And she’ll also be able to play grammy to Weston Cage’s brood of baby bats! I’ll put it this way, life doesn’t get less interesting when you marry Nicolas Cage.

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Isabella Cruise Made A Rare Appearance… In A Scientology Recruiting Email

/ March 26, 2019

Tom Cruise has several children, but of the three total, he allegedly only really talks to or hangs out with the two of them who are Scientologists. Suri Cruise lives with her mom, Katie Holmes, who is not raising her to worship at the alien feet of L. Ron Hubbard and so she might be considered SP-adjacent in Tom’s eyes. But Tom’s first two children, Connor Cruise and Isabella Cruise, are fully involved in the whole Xenu/Soul Spaceship/Telekinetic religion. Tom’s lesser famous children are quite on the DL and are rarely seen or talked about, which is why it’s more remarkable that Isabella recently appeared in a full-fledged Scientology recruiting email.

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A Former Playboy Bunny Claims Alex Rodriguez Tried To Get With Her Weeks Before His Engagement To Jennifer Lopez

/ March 26, 2019

After successfully ignoring the mad ramblings of Jose Canseco, who accused Alex Rodriguez of having an affair with his ex-wife, A-Rod and his fiance Jennifer Lopez are facing new accusations of infidelity on his part. Former Playboy bunny and current fitness coach/model/apparent threesome broker Zoe Gregory claims that A-Rod was soliciting her for weeks, and sent a dick pic as recently as 6 weeks prior to his engagement. Sometimes it seems like Barack and Michelle Obama are the only people in the whole wide world who want J-Rod to succeed.

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