I’m sure most of you had forgotten that life-sized action figure Michael B. Jordan and professional girlfriend Lori Harvey have been dating for over a year. But after a year of perfectly crafted social media posts, the love between 35-year-old Michael and 25-year-old Lori is over. No word if they broke up because Diddy convinced her to date someone else in his family
When I first read this story I thought it was about actor Michael B. Jordan‘s used boxers going on sale. And I was like “Wow! $500 is a steal!” But that was wishful thinking. No, what’s happening is that basketball legend, Michael “Hold The B” Jordan’s boxers are going on sale.
I wish I could say that title was a pun, and that Michael B. Jordan went full Overboard fantasy for Valentine’s Day, complete with an 80s yacht, lots of money, a sexy carpenter’s tool belt, jokes involving working with hard wood, and the implication that someone is about to get wet. That didn’t happen, but water and lots of money were involved. Michael B. Jordan wooed his girlfriend Lori Harvey with a very expensive trip to the aquarium and a hotel room full of flowers. And we know about this special, intimate date between the two of them because she Instagrammed every single moment.
After months of dating rumors, Lori Harvey, Steve Harvey’s adopted stepdaughter, and Michael B. Jordan have gone Instagram official. Last year might have been an irredeemable, unmitigated dumpster fire for most of us, but Lori somehow managed to pull her 2020 out of a nosedive by going from getting charged with a hit-and-run last January (G Wagon vs Prius, no one was hurt) to ending the year having 2020’s Sexiest Man Alive pulling into her garage on the regular. Must be nice!
Somewhere in The Voice’s studios, Carson Daly and Nick Jonas are each wrapped in a comforting Snuggie and throwing flaming stank eyes at their show’s PR team for somehow managing to get People Magazine to name fucking Blake Shelton and Adam Levine its Sexiest Man Alive but yet they remain unsexy chopped liver! Because People has named its Sexiest Man Alive! for 2020 and it isn’t a dude who gets a check for spinning in that red chair. And yes, Michael B. Jordan is a man, is sexy, and is Alive!, but if People gave Gritty that title, we’d all shrug and go, “I’m no furry, but still better than Blake Shelton.”
There’s no greater honor (for a publicist) than landing a spot on the Time 100, Time Magazine’s publicist prom. Induction into the Time 100 comes with a fancy photo-shoot (for some) and a seemingly randomly assigned essay extolling the winner’s virtue. Ergo, Jimmy Kimmel was selected to write about this year’s cover boy for the Leaders category, Dr. Anthony Fauci when Dr. Phil would obviously have been a better choice. You know, Dr. to Dr. Sometimes it makes a little sense, like Marlon Brando Jr., Leonardo DiCaprio, honoring Indigenous activist Nemonte Nenquimo who has worked to protect rainforests in the Ecuadorian Amazon, even though she’s way too old to fuck at 33. But then you have Kim Kardashian West waxing poetic about JoJo Siwa and you think to yourself, is it too early to start drinking?