Two carpets, both alike in dignity
(In fair Hollywood, where we lay our scene),
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil shoes make civil rugs unclean.
It’s crazy how those words by William Shakespeare are still as true today as they were in 1996 when we finally understood them thanks to Baz Luhrmann‘s Romeo + Juliet. And this morning, as the sun rose over the detritus of last night’s Oscars celebrations, one carpet emerged victorious and unblemished by the unsightly stains of blood and mud and whatever it was that Fine Ass Jonathan Majors had in his tiny silver sipping cup. For reasons we may only understand after Baz makes a movie about it, after weeks of torrential rain, the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences decided this was the year to break with a 64-year tradition and pull the Red Carpet out from under our feet in exchange for a Champagne Industrial Rug. For revenge, Florence Pugh could barely be bothered to dress for the big event so she just brushed her ponytail to the front and grabbed a beige duvet cover out of the dirty laundry for the Oscars, saving her pink comforter for the Blue Carpet at the Vanity Fair after party.
A Reporter Responds After Footage Of Michael B. Jordan And Jonathan Majors Checking Her Out Went Viral
Michael B. Jordan is making his rounds by promoting his latest film Creed III, which marks his directorial debut. For the third installment of the Creed franchise, they have added hot ass Jonathan Majors, and the two of them have been doing interviews together showcasing their budding bromance. Well, clearly, the two of them have the exact same taste in women as was exhibited during an interview with Sharronda Williams for her YouTube series Pay or Wait. And although they had a really great chat, it was what happened at the end of the interview that summed up exactly what Jonathan and Michael were thinking without ever having to say a word.
Invariably, the worst food you will eat at any given Super Bowl party are nachos. Somebody’s always trying to be cute and do too much. And by the time they come around to you, they are a soggy, sticky mess that have been touched by way too many bare hands and you have no idea what you’re supposed to be eating. You’ll be all “Is this a garbanzo bean? And what is this… pineapple?!?!” Yet apparently, every single one of the movie studios that paid for a spot during yesterday’s game signed up to bring nachos. So we got served a dozen sloppy variations of cheese on chips when all anybody really wants are some hard-fried chicken wings and a cold beer. To which the studios all said “go fish,” and handed us a plate of Tropical Tuna Fiesta Surprise nachos instead (I’m looking at you, Air. Viola Davis is owed an apology).
I’m sure most of you had forgotten that life-sized action figure Michael B. Jordan and professional girlfriend Lori Harvey have been dating for over a year. But after a year of perfectly crafted social media posts, the love between 35-year-old Michael and 25-year-old Lori is over. No word if they broke up because Diddy convinced her to date someone else in his family
When I first read this story I thought it was about actor Michael B. Jordan‘s used boxers going on sale. And I was like “Wow! $500 is a steal!” But that was wishful thinking. No, what’s happening is that basketball legend, Michael “Hold The B” Jordan’s boxers are going on sale.
I wish I could say that title was a pun, and that Michael B. Jordan went full Overboard fantasy for Valentine’s Day, complete with an 80s yacht, lots of money, a sexy carpenter’s tool belt, jokes involving working with hard wood, and the implication that someone is about to get wet. That didn’t happen, but water and lots of money were involved. Michael B. Jordan wooed his girlfriend Lori Harvey with a very expensive trip to the aquarium and a hotel room full of flowers. And we know about this special, intimate date between the two of them because she Instagrammed every single moment.