The Emmys happened last night despite nobody being allowed near each other due to coronavirus still spreading through humanity one TikTok party mansion at a time. A few celebrities (like Jennifer Aniston, Tracee Ellis Ross, Laverne Cox, etc…) showed up at the Staples Center to present, but most celebrities stayed home. The ceremonial red carpet was switched up and the famous people just took their own pics and posted them themselves. Their choice of professional photography and they don’t have to make small talk with whatever half-peasant correspondent was put in front of them? Talk about a big win.
OK, I have a joke for you. A “cookbook author”, a “presenter” and an “entrepreneur” walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “what’ll it be, ladies?” All three lean over the bar and scream “HOW DARE YOU!?!?!?!?!?!!?” Suddenly, an asteroid lands on the bar, and everything and everyone is instantly vaporized. That’s it. That’s the joke. The punchline could use a little work but it’s better than the truth in which Chrissy Tiegen, Jameela Jamil and Kim Kardashian continue to berate our eyeballs with their criminally stupid social media “debates.” This time it’s about Kim’s Skims maternity shapewear which Chrissy defended after Jameela said it makes pregnant women self-conscious about their growing bodies. Oh wait, did I say asteroid? I meant meatier.
Because of the Black Lives Matter movement and coronavirus, we haven’t heard that much from that other virus KAVID-666 (Kardashian Virus Disease), but they’ve still been infecting the internet and helping to keep Instagram from ever getting a certified organic label by spreading their plastic-ness over there. And after Kim Kardashian posted yet another picture of her looking like a Bratz doll in a funhouse mirror, Jameela Jamil claims she got thousands of pleas asking her to talk about the pic, and so she’s stepped up to tell everyone to stop paying attention to Kim Kardashian and she did that while holding up a picture of Kim Kardashian, pretty much.
Jameela Jamil spoke with The Guardian about her work as an actress and a social activist, and she told them that she gets it. She’s a hot, rich, and skinny woman, so why should we listen to her talk about body shaming and other image issues? Well because someone has to do it, and since she’s got the platform for it, why not her? So says Jameela.
It’s not often we get video proof of celebrities acting like dummies with the law, but Oscar-winning American Citizen™, Reese Witherspoon, gave us one for the ages back in 2013 when her and husband, Jim Toth, were pulled over for doing some fucked-up driving in Atlanta. Reese, despite not being asked by the cop to get out of the car, got out of the car, readjusted her Zooey Deschanel wig and in a soft, yet pointed voice, blurted out some “do you know who I am?” nonsense.
As we know, Jim was arrested for DUI and failure to maintain a lane while driving and Reese was charged with disorderly conduct. Well, Reese is opening up about the fiasco and, needless to say, she’s no longer Laura Jeanne “THIS IS BEYOND” Poon. Well, not when a recording device is around anyway.
Jameela Jamil is pissed! About something health-related! And she’s poppin’ off on Twitter! I know, I know. I, too, am shocked. Apparently, a bunch of people have been tweeting jokes about how Jameela will either get, or pretend to get, COVID-19. These tweets were brought to you by Jameela’s recent feud with Tracie Egan Morrisey, who accused Jameela of faking her many illnesses/injuries. But Jameela did not enjoy the coronavirus jokes. So she did what any reasonable person would do, compiled a bunch of the tweets into two convenient collages, and shared them with her followers.