When I saw the hashtag #AdamDriverIsOverParty trending on Twitter last night, I immediately clutched my chest and raced to find what horrible reason there was for the internet to cancel Adam Driver. The most unthinkable, most cancel-worthy thing I could think of was that Adam Driver had petitioned HBO to remove every single one of his shirtless scenes from Girls, and demanded they destroy the footage forever. That would be unforgivable. But that’s not what happened here.
Just because all of the BAFTA acting nominations went to white people, that doesn’t mean the white people that were nominated are afraid of a little color (not sure we can’t say the same for the BAFTA president Prince William). While some stars like Margot Robbie, who looked like she just came from a beloved aunt’s funeral (with Olivia Colman looking like said beloved aunt), went for basic black, and some like Renée Zellweger and Scarlett Johansson opted for a pastel palette, a few ladies took the opportunity to brighten up the foggy London town night by putting the “u” in colour. Take for example Florence Pugh whose hot pink housecoat doubles as a parachute in case the feds come knocking at the brothel door and she has to make a quick exit out of a 4th story window and hop into the horse drawn carriage waiting below.
I don’t personally know anybody who likes the sound of their recorded voice, myself included (even though we all know plenty of people who love nothing better than to hear themselves talk in real time). And if Adam Driver’s recent actions during a taping for NPR’s Fresh Air are any indication, Adam not only hates it, he simply cannot! According to The Daily Beast, Adam walked out (spiritually, if not physically, the interview was remote) on Fresh Air’s host Terry Gross in the middle of an interview because she played a clip from Marriage Story. I’m like, damn, stars, they really are just like us. Academy award nominated actor Adam Driver also thinks he sounds like an insufferable tween girl with a brain injury when he hears himself on tape!
The Governors Awards are a classy affair, you can just tell by the name. According to The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the GA are “an annual event celebrating awards conferred by the Academy’s Board of Governors – the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award, the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award and the Honorary Award.” Basically, they are really the precum of the actual Oscars. Which might explain why so many ladies came dressed in nothing but a satin sheet. Nothing shows off precum quite like a satin bed sheet!
Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
I had to amend my original headline from Adam Driver Might Be A Secret Daddy, because anyone who gets turned on by moody, hunky weirdos knows that’s no secret. In this case, we’re talking about Adam Driver and a rumor that he’s been a father for two years without anyone having even the slightest hint.