OK, I have a joke for you. A “cookbook author”, a “presenter” and an “entrepreneur” walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “what’ll it be, ladies?” All three lean over the bar and scream “HOW DARE YOU!?!?!?!?!?!!?” Suddenly, an asteroid lands on the bar, and everything and everyone is instantly vaporized. That’s it. That’s the joke. The punchline could use a little work but it’s better than the truth in which Chrissy Tiegen, Jameela Jamil and Kim Kardashian continue to berate our eyeballs with their criminally stupid social media “debates.” This time it’s about Kim’s Skims maternity shapewear which Chrissy defended after Jameela said it makes pregnant women self-conscious about their growing bodies. Oh wait, did I say asteroid? I meant meatier.
Earlier this week, Chrissy Teigen announced she was pregnant by the Sexiest Man Alive for the third time. That claim has been proven quantifiably FALSE. However, Chrissy is expecting a third baby with her husband John Legend. To make sure their new baby won’t have to sleep in a sock drawer, according to a source who spoke to People Magazine, the couple is looking for a new house “they can grow into,” and have put their Beverly Hills mansion on the market for $24 million. Yes, their current home has 7 bedrooms and 8 baths, but all the bedrooms have dirt floors and are heated with a single, beefy-smelling tallow candle. John and Chrissy deserve better. They’ve earned it!
Chrissy Teigen Went On A Blocking Spree And Deleted 60,000 Tweets Because She Was Being Harassed About Ghislaine Maxwell
There was a blessed hot minute when Chrissy Teigen got her titty balls deflated and wasn’t tweeting like Jack Dorsey was paying her by the word. However, Chrissy’s back —with a vengeance. Only this time instead of creating tweets, she’s deleting them. According to E! Online, Chrissy “recently deleted over 60,000 tweets because she “cannot fucking STAND” the individuals who are using her tweets as alleged evidence of her connection to Epstein’s close associate Ghislaine Maxwell.” It seems Chrissy has been implicated in a QAnon Pizzagate type scandal and Chrissy’s Twitter has been inundated with trolls looking for evidence of pedophilia in her tweet history. 60,000 tweets. SIXTY-THOUSAND TWEETS! In this economy?!?!
Cue up Michelle Branch’s Goodbye to You, and pour one out for life in plastic, because Chrissy Teigen got her Tupperware titty bowls removed. They were just twenty years old. RIP to many of the big boobies born during the 90s/early aughts, when hard-boulder-tits reigned supreme. Sigh. Something for our kids to read about in the history books. Continue reading
Writer Yashar Ali Tried To Come For Alison Roman For Cultural Appropriation And Chrissy Teigen Got Hit In The Crossfire
I needn’t remind you that we are currently living in the inevitable hellscape that was kicked off the moment Christopher Columbus’ goofy little boot first touched down on North American soil. Many horrible yet predictable scenarios have come to pass since then, but if anyone had “Halloween themed race-based cookbook author wars waged on Twitter in the middle of a global pandemic” on their Great American Experiment bingo card, can I hit you up for some lotto numbers?
I hope Alison Roman spent some of her time off baking a batch of “The Cookies” to put in the gift basket she owes Lana Del Rey as a thank you for acting as a human shield this week. Thanks to Lana, things are almost back to normal wherein Alison Roman’s existence is but a mere fact filed in the back of my mind like a can of chickpeas in my pantry that I keep forgetting about until I go to put away the new can I just bought like shit, now I have six. Yesterday, Alison tested the waters with a post confirming her leave from the New York Times by directing her followers to her newsletter. She also let us know that even though you’ve spent the past few weeks forgetting who she was, she’s been stewing (yes I did, deal with it) over her situation “24/7.”