It’s insane to think you can top a quickie Vegas wedding officiated by an Elvis impersonator for class and glamour but Joe Jonas and bride Sophie Turner, went for it anyway. The already marrieds were married-married in Provence, France yesterday.
Before Kunty Karl went off to the afterworld where, hopefully for him, there’s no sign of fats, tats, or shorties, he personally created a velvet pink 70s prom look for Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Jason Momoa to wear to the Oscars. But while I’m all for some 70s prom glamour, the real star of Jason’s ensemble was the must-have accessory of every 90s high school girl named Becca. Just in case Jason wanted to put his wild mane up into a man bun to keep his hair from whipping hos in the face as he drops it low on the dance floor, he wore a scrunchie on his wrist. A fucking FENDI scrunchie, thankyouverymuch. Although, it looks more like a discount scrunchie from a Claire’s circa 1995 with a Fendi logo lazily sewed on it (and now everybody’s cousin is going to take a discount scrunchie from Claire’s and lazily sew a Fendi logo onto it).
Pictured: Ashley Graham and her husband Justin Ervin during a rare moment of not fucking. Unless… he’s got a side slit in his pants and his peen is really long and covertly made its way to her parts through her dress slit. It does look like she’s going, “oooh!”
Depending on who you ask, the key to a happy marriage can be anything from honesty to communication to patience to separate bathrooms to separate bedrooms to separate houses to separate lives. But if you ask world-renowned marriage and relationship expert Dr. Ashley Graham, she’ll tell you that the key to a happy marriage lies within your crotch. Because how can you and your spouse fight over money or them texting that gutter sludge skeezer from work if your mouths are busy 69ing?
Selena Gomez Stans Got Mad At Ashley Graham And Naomi Campbell For Walking A Dolce & Gabbana Fashion Show
Expect Taylor Swift to skip around the stage at all the remaining shows on her Reputation tour with a t-shirt of her cats Olivia Benson and Meredith Grey barfing their morning Whiskas on the Dolce & Gabbana logo. Stefano Gabbana commented how ugly Selena Gomez looked in a crop of red dresses. That naturally got the reaction Stefano wanted because Selena stans called him a meanie. That apparently didn’t keep Ashley Graham and Naomi Campbell from walking in a Dolce & Gabbana fashion show, so now they’re getting called meanies by association! Continue reading
There were some real upside down and sideways looks on display at the The Council of Fashion Designers of America awards in NYC last night. Most notably Whoopi Goldberg giving us Little Bo Peep who lost her sheep and was forced to go to the big city and take out a bank loan for more, wearing her best Big Business suit. The added bonus of that suit is that those giant bell bottoms probably ring so damn loud, the sheep should have no problem finding their way back home.
Other notable looks included: Cate Blanchett‘s tuxedo/ baked potato/ butcher’s apron combo, and the night’s host Issa Rae’s belt that read “Every Nigga Is A Star”. All of those looks and more are in the gallery but for now, we’ve got plenty of high fashion to keep us in “what is going on here”s for a week.
The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.
Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.
Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.