The stars are beefing again! This time, Viggo Mortenson and director Pedro Almodóvar are at it over the injustice that occurred in the 1999 Cannes Film Festival. Sadly, it’s not about how Dick was overlooked for the work of genius that it is, but that Rosetta beat out Pedro’s critically acclaimed All About My Mother for the Palme d’Or. There’s nothing like ancient Hollywood spats to warm the heart!
The year is 2020, which means Hollywood has (for the most part) learned some big lessons about who they cast to play who. Like, they’re not casting roles like they did back in…whatever year Breakfast at Tiffany’s was made. Or the dozens of decades that followed. We know that Scarlett Johansson probably shouldn’t play anything but white ladies and trees. Viggo Mortensen agrees with that; he’d never think of playing the role of Eric, Viggo’s Chinese-Hawaiian husband, played by Terry Chen, in Viggo’s directorial debut film, Falling. However, when it came time to cast the role of Eric’s husband, Viggo – a straight guy – didn’t see a problem playing gay onscreen.
The director of the Golden Globe-winning film Green Book, Peter Farrelly, admitted to flashing his penis in front of hundreds of people, including Cameron Diaz, and it honestly just sounds like a silly anecdote at this point. It’s the mushroom on the top of a shit sundae served up by the film’s screenwriter, Nick Vallelonga, who recently deleted his Twitter account after an anti-muslim, conspiracy theory tweet was discovered. Warning: the “sprinkles” on this sundae are actually mouse turds. Let’s not forget that the star of the film, Mahershla Ali, a Muslim, already had to defend his co-star, Viggo Mortensen for saying the N-word at a screening back in November.
Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
Viggo Mortensen is a white guy, and I think most of can agree that we live in a world where white people shouldn’t ever use the n-word in real life. But Viggo must not have realized this when he opened his mouth during a recent discussion after a Film Independent screening of his new film, Green Book. And now he’s really sorry.
We’re finally ending our never-ending Oscar coverage today and the best way to end it is with some man pieces who were probably suffocating in their nut-hugging pants and wanted to take it all off halfway through the show. They should’ve. It would’ve made that mess a hundred million times better and awakened all my senses.
My best dressed chick of the Oscars is definitely Charlize Theron, because with that ponytail, casual diamond earrings and daytime gold la-may gown, she was done up like Alexis Carrington making a quick trip to the supermarket. It was very daytime casual Dynasty. And my best dressed dude is definitely Ryan Gosling, who looks like he reeks of Jovan Musk oil and is about to pick you up in his dad’s gold two-tone Lincoln Continental Mark V to take you to the senior prom where he’s going to feel you up while slow dancing to The Closer I Get To You. And he’s definitely the one who spiked the punch.
Ryan wore Gucci (duh) and I couldn’t tell if those were actual ruffles or trompe l’oeil ruffles (Side note: I don’t do drag, but if I ever did, I’ve got dibs on the name Tramp Louie Ruffles.) And then there’s the smooth rat Pharrell, who dressed like a maître d at an underground restaurant that only serves virgin blood and is owned by Kunty Karl. There’s a reason why Pharrell looks like that. He’s wearing Chanel.
And here’s a million more pictures of the dudes from the Oscars. Come for Mahershala Ali and come again for hot piece of wood Jamie Dornan.