Octavia Spencer is no mean ass MA in real life! Unlike the 90 bajiilliondy other people who joked about Britney Spears needing to get a prenup before marrying her boyfriend Sam Asghari, Octavia actually felt bad about it. Even though Sam agreed! Earlier this week when Britney announced her engagement on Instagram, Octavia commented “make him sign a prenup,” days later, Britney deleted her Instagram. Now, Britney said she’s just “taking a little break” from social media to celebrate her engagement and that she’d be back soon. But sounds like Octavia took that shit personally. And she’s very sorry!
If your eyeballs have a case of the Mondays, then it may have looked like Britney Spears was throwing up a period-tipped middle finger, and you probably guessed that was directed at her dad/soon-to-be-ex-conservator Jamie Spears. But that’s Brit Brit’s hitchin’ finger (which looks like it’s actually her right ring finger but the image is probably flipped or Brit Brit’s starting a new trend).
Just a quick minute before this year’s MTV VMAs (or as us olds know it as, “that time of year when we scream, ‘Who are these fetuses?!'”), Britney snatched the spotlight by announcing on Instagram that her boyfriend of nearly five years, Sam Asghari, is now her betrothed. And as Daddy Spears prolapses with rage, Starbucks has begun working on a stunning wedding dress made out of Venti paper cups, a bridal version of their Starbucks mermaid crown, and a magnificent Frapp-flavored wedding cake.
Hollywood learned years ago that they really shouldn’t fuck around with Roald Dahl film adaptations, and yes, I’m absolutely talking about that time Tom Burton put Johnny Depp in a sad Janine Melnitz from Ghostbusters II wig to play Willy Wonka. But last year we learned that a remake of the 1990 classic in all sense of the word, The Witches, was getting remade with Anne Hathaway taking over Anjelica Huston’s role as the Grand High Witch. The first trailer for The Witches dropped today, and maybe it’s the seven-months-in-isolation talking, but it’s nowhere near “Johnny Depp’s wig“-levels of bad. And in a movie where wigs are central to the plot, that’s saying something.
Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
It would have been a nearly all-black fashion show at the BAFTAs in London last night, in honor of the Time’s Up movement. But the class average was brought down by Duchess Kate (who was prevented from wearing black by royal no-politics protocol), and Frances McDormand (who just didn’t feel like it and showed up in pink-on-black instead).
For mostly everyone else, it was a multitude of black. Or black with a random kick of not-black, like Allison Janney. And by random, I mean a satin choker bolero on top of a Bibhu Mohapatra dress. It looks like a shirt made from the bottom half of Roger the Alien from American Dad that was put on backwards and upside down.
Angelina Jolie Decided To Fulfill Someone’s Feathered 60s Fantasy Last Night (And Other Looks From The Golden Globes)
Almost everyone who walked the Golden Globes red carpet this year wore black to protest Hollywood’s sexual misconduct problem. One thing that wasn’t being protested was good taste. There were a lot of black velvet outfits on that red carpet. Sure, it’s a bit of an obvious choice, but a choice I was absolutely here for, because anything that makes my brain start blasting “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles gets two thumbs up from me.
But some people went a little more experimental with their all-black interpretation. Like Angelina Jolie, who showed up to the Golden Globes in some goth Lawrence Welk Show realness by Atelier Versace. It’s a little Barbra Streisand at the 1969 Oscars, with a splash of 60s televangelist, all poured onto a fainting couch and garnished with, “But detective, I swear my husband was dead when I found him!”