Category: Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore Is The New Spokesperson For A Tummy Sculpting Device

June 7, 2019 / Posted by:

Leave it to industry vet Drew Barrymore to be able to pull off shilling for a fly-by-night health and beauty trend like EMSCULPT while still maintaining her hard-won brand ethos of empowered flower child. Drew’s managed to monetize her “latest obsession” which, as far as I can tell, is the modern equivalent of those goofy mid-century vibrating exercise belts/orgazmatrons. People calls EMSCULPT “a non-invasive, electromagnetic procedure to eliminate fat cells and tighten muscles”. Potato, potahto. Or if you’re Drew, “pothhhhhato, pothhhhhthato”.

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Drew Barrymore Says Nevermore To Cocaine

September 17, 2018 / Posted by:

If you see Drew Barrymore at a party getting tipsy on wine (she has her own brand and everything), by all means, toast to her continued good health and prosperity, but don’t ask her if she wants to go to the bathroom and do a couple of rails of cocaine. The mere thought of coke, is like, her worst nightmare now. Drew appeared on Norm McDonald Has A Show (how about Show Me A White Dude Who Doesn’t) and talked about her epic drug abuse which was chronicled in her 1990 masterpiece Little Girl Lost.

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Drew Barrymore Doesn’t Hate Jake Gyllennhaal

March 23, 2018 / Posted by:

During a game of Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts on Wednesday night’s episode of The Late Late Show with James Corden, Drew Barrymore was faced with the lose-lose decision of ranking the talent of three past co-stars or eating turkey nuts. Drew is a vegetarian, so she avoided eating those balls by saying that Jake Gyllenhaal – her co-star in Donnie Darko – was the least talented out of a group that included Adam Sandler and Hugh Grant. But Drew isn’t a completely cold-hearted Gyllenhaater. Last night she extended an olive branch to Jake by showing up to the second season premiere of Netflix’s Santa Clarita Diet with a sign professing her love for him.

She also told Entertainment Tonight her answer was based solely on the fact that she didn’t want to scarf down those turkey balls.

“It was all fun and games and then every headline today was like, ‘Drew Barrymore says Jake Gyllenhaal’s the least talented actor she’s ever worked with.’ And I was like, no! Nobody reads the fine print, so I don’t even need to talk about it. All you need to know is this.”

But we haven’t heard from the talentless hack himself, Jake Gyllenhaal. He probably had one of two reactions: he doesn’t give a turkey’s left nut about any of this, or (and the most likely option) he’s extremely hurt, and has been trying to write Drew a letter about his feelings, but the ink keeps getting blurred by his tears. Really Drew, Jake deserves more than just a crummy half-assed sign. That sign was YARD SALE-quality at best. She better get working on a billboard, and please – give it some pizazz this time.


Open Post: Hosted By Drew Barrymore Saying That Jake Gyllenhaal Is The Least Talented Actor She’s Worked With 

March 22, 2018 / Posted by:

Drew Barrymore has been on a roll lately. First, Drew Barrymore proclaimed her allegiance to Lucifer by whoring herself out in a soul-melting musical ad for his most evil creation CROCS. And now Drew Barrymore is saying that out of Adam Sandler, Hugh Grant and Jake Gyllenhaal, Jake is her least talented co-star and Adam is her most talented. I guess Drew’s show Santa Clarita Diet isn’t totally fake, because it seems like she’s been bitten by a zombie in real life and it’s fucking with her brains.

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