Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
Just because Melanie Griffith has no qualms serving as witness at a wedding officiated by Kris Jenner, don’t expect her to utilize her services! One- Kris probably charges out the ass and makes you invite Scott Disick. Two- after three husbands and four walks down the aisle, Melanie is done with marriage. She’s looking for something casual…just don’t expect her to go looking for it on Tinder, commoners.
When I saw that Melanie Griffith spoke on a panel with Sharon Stone on Wednesday night, I got excited thinking it was just going to be Sharon reenacting the iconic Basic Instinct snatch scene (which The Sun reached by saying she did) taking turns reenacting the Basic Instinct snatch shot and Melanie talking about Antonio Banderas’ peen. Instead, it was a serious talk where Melanie opened up about battling epilepsy and said all her ills went away as soon as she signed her divorce papers. Continue reading
When we all found out that Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas’ marriage threw itself into a grave on top of the remains of her career (I’m wrong for that, because she was in an episode of Hot In Cleveland and working with Betty White is a career HIGH!), some hos wondered what would become of the definition of “bad choices” on her arm. Would she have that heart-shaped Antonio tattoo turned into a meatball with a unicorn riding on top of it (that’s what I would do)? Would she tattoo the words “FUCK YOU,” over Antonio’s name? Would she leave it and visit tattoo shops all over the world and try to talk people out of making the same mistake she did by inking their piece’s name into their flesh? No, Melanie hasn’t done any of that yet. Instead she’s using that busted down Antonio tattoo to get herself some attention, because why not?
Before going to the Taormina Film Festival in Italy yesterday, Melanie took a foundation stick from Wet ‘N Wild’s Passive Aggressive Collection and sloppily covered up Antonio’s name on her arm. Sure, Melanie could’ve put on a cardigan, but then all of us wouldn’t be talking about how she’s so over Antonio that she lazily slapped some pancake make-up on his name inked into her arm. But you know, Melanie didn’t have to bother covering that mess up. Because most people don’t even notice it since they’re too busy screaming, “FOR WHY? For why did she make her face look like a melting puppet sucking on a lemon?”
And here’s more of subtle Melanie “Hot Fucking Dog” Griffith wearing a Roberto Cavalli barf bag while hanging out with Eva Longoria at the Taormina Film Festival yesterday.
Pics: AP, Getty, Wenn.com
We’re only ten days into the divorce of Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, and already things are getting Lifetime-levels of dramatic. TMZ says that we’re not too far away from watching the courtroom scene of ‘Not Without My Dogger: The Melanie Griffith Story’, because the exquisite sun-kissed half-melted collagen candle plans to pull her best Tess McGill suit out of storage and fight for the custody of her and Antonio’s three dogs. “Aww, but I wanted to go with the Nasonex Bee” – that dog’s face.
Regardless of when the papers are filed, a divorce between two Hollywood types isn’t official until it turns trashy and they start publicly fighting over shit. Sadly, Melanie and Antonio’s daughter Stella turns 18 in September, so they can’t really fight over her. Thank goodness they have dogs! I was afraid they’d be forced into a messy custody battle for the most important asset accumulated during the course of their marriage: the Antonio tattoo. Watching Melanie and Antonio fight over the future Shroud of Turin on Melanie’s shoulder would have the intensity of 10 Kramer vs. Kramers.
A source (one of the dogs after receiving a Costco-sized bag of Beggin’ Strips from Melanie) tells TMZ that Melanie is the better dog owner and that her fur babies mean the world to her. Personally, I don’t think we need to bring in Judge Toler to decide the fate of Melanie and Antonio’s dogs, because it’s obvious they should stay with Melanie. Any dog that is constantly tempted by Melanie’s glistening canned vienna sausage lips and doesn’t hungrily lunge at them shows they have the utmost respect for their pack leader. Not to mention that Antonio seems like he’s really more of a pussy person.
Well, here’s some sad, tragic news for those of you who thought that the eternal love between the Nasonex bee and the Botox puppet formerly known as Tess McGill would last as long as the chemicals in her face (read: FOREVER). TMZ says that Melanie Griffith recently filed divorce papers to legally and officially make Antonio Banderas her third ex-husband. Let the river of Botoxed tears RUN!
According to TMZ, Melanie hired divorce attorney to the STAHS Laura Wasser (Side note: TMZ always calls Laura Wasser the “disso-queen” and I always read that as disco queen and I get a little tingle thinking of a divorce attorney arguing in front of a judge while wearing a velvet jumpsuit, gold platform heels and a fro). Melanie threw up the words “irreconcilable differences” next to “reason for quitting that bitch” on the documents. Melanie is asking for spousal support, child support and full custody of their almost 18-year-old daughter Stella. Melanie didn’t list their official break up date. Melanie has been married three times before (twice to Don Johnson) and Antonio was married to that hot bitch Madge was jealous of in Truth or Dare.
Melanie and Antonio got married in May 1996 after she left Don Johnson and he left his wife. Melanie birthed out their daughter a few months later. A couple of years ago, there was a rumor that Melanie and Antonio’s marriage was on its death bed because of her issues with pills and the sweet nectar and his issues with wanting to stick his chorizo in any chocha that didn’t belong to Melanie Griffith. At the time, Melanie and Antonio denied those rumors and here we are now.
A couple of weeks ago, a Spanish tabloid posted pictures of Antonio putting his lips near another trick at Cannes.
I’m guessing that Melanie blamed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for her married dying like the nerves in her face, because “my husband is a slut and I’m sick of it” wasn’t an option. The L.A. County court system should really add that option.
We can all learn something from this. If you really want to tattoo your piece’s name into your flesh because you think your love is going to last forever, do it at your own risk. It usually ends with you and your wallet screaming in pain as you get laser tattoo removal. But luckily for Melanie, she can get a tattoo artist to easily turn that heart into a slice of pizza and turn “Antonio” into “Totino’s.” That would be a smart move, because the love between a human and frozen pizza never dies.
And here’s Melanie looking as happy and fresh as a wax Madame puppet while posing with Eva Longoria and Rosanna Arquette at AFI’s tribute to Jane Fonda in L.A. last night.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty