There were barely any international celebrities, everyone had a mask and the public was hidden away behind a wall. But my god there were beautiful gowns. Beautiful gowns illuminated by the waning slant of a glorious Mediterranean sun. The red carpet for the 2020 Venice Film Festival delivered the drama, the fantasy and the eleganza we’ve been missing since the coronavirus came along and slapped us all upside the head like Dominique Deveraux receiving an unwanted gift. However, much like Alexis Carrington, glamour is that bitch who recovers quickly and always rises to the occasion! Well, unless we’re talking about last weekend’s VMAs where glamour took one look around and immediately called back the chauffeur (and slapped the shit out him).
Praise Fashion Jesus (AKA Billy Porter)! Governor Andrew Cuomo says New York Fashion Week is a go, but runways will need to be made coronavirus-safe. So shows will either be outside (where the audience will be capped at 50 people, and ideally chained together so they won’t blow away with the wind), or inside without an audience. But, um, what’s the point of a fashion show if it’s not attended by a bunch of bitchy, dead-eyed tastemakers?
Finally, some coronavirus news that won’t make you want to bash your head against a wall. Christian Siriano, Project Runway winner and fashion designer, is getting down to business. And no, he’s not whipping up another enchanting and demure outfit for Billy Porter (although, Christian if you’re reading, we WILL be needing some glamour once it’s safe to go back outside again). Instead, he’s putting his next fashionable creation where his mouth is. Literally.
I’m fucking kidding of course. This year’s Oscars red carpet was about as glamorous as a back alley gluteal augmentation. Not even red carpet darling Billy Porter could save this parade of half-baked ideas which ranged from Saoirse Ronan’s front butt ruffle to Laura Dern’s titty-tassels. The real kicker is that, for reasons I will never accept, Blac Chyna was invited to pose for hundreds of pictures looking like a second string (ok, twelfth string) Cruella de Vil who smothered Cookie Monster with her bosom, skinned him with her talons and used his pelt for this dress. Meanwhile, the cast of Best Picture winning Parasite, were only photographed together in a group. The fuck? At least they let them use the slo-mo cam which is a big improvement on Giuliana Rancic’s (below, go easy on her, she’s dealing with some intestinal distress) Mani-Cam of yore.
Just because all of the BAFTA acting nominations went to white people, that doesn’t mean the white people that were nominated are afraid of a little color (not sure we can’t say the same for the BAFTA president Prince William). While some stars like Margot Robbie, who looked like she just came from a beloved aunt’s funeral (with Olivia Colman looking like said beloved aunt), went for basic black, and some like Renée Zellweger and Scarlett Johansson opted for a pastel palette, a few ladies took the opportunity to brighten up the foggy London town night by putting the “u” in colour. Take for example Florence Pugh whose hot pink housecoat doubles as a parachute in case the feds come knocking at the brothel door and she has to make a quick exit out of a 4th story window and hop into the horse drawn carriage waiting below.
Like every Hollywood event, the 2020 Golden Globes offered for us peasants a plethora of fashion delights and disasters to witness and froth over. Outfits ranged from: Classic Elegance to Fancy Prostitute. Who won and lost the night is debatable but one thing is for sure: 97% of these clothes are being returned to whatever designer loaned it to the celebrity for a night. You think rich folk keep or pay for award gowns and jewels? LOL! No.