Madonna’s been terrorizing our ear-holes all spring with new music from her latest album Madame X. We were told Madame X was some kind of secret agent who travels around the world, shifting identities and solving problems like Israeli–Palestinian conflict and tenacious toe fungus. Now Madonna, sorry, Madame X, has a new video that would like to ask for your enthusiastic consent to jizz in your eye (consent is understood to have been given when you click on the little triangle).
In this video for the song Dark Ballet, Madame X brought a big duffle bag full of Mission Impossible rubber masks and takes on the identity of (guessing using her list of Madame X alter egos for reference) a prisoner, a nun, and a saint. I wish she had also managed to shoehorn The Cabaret Singer in there as well, but this isn’t one of the “fun” ones. It starts with a lengthy quote from Joan of Arc followed by a black man being burnt at the stake. See, not fun at all.
The Gay Olympics AKA the annual Eurovision Song Contest took place in Tel Aviv yesterday. Duncan Laurence from the Netherlands sat at a piano and boringly sang a song called “Arcade” to a droplight from Ikea and won. Meanwhie, Madonna’s got a new album to shill, and despite getting criticism for agreeing to perform in Israel, she popped up to
Gregorian chant sing some songs. Being Madge, she had to mark her territory with some controversy, according to Vulture.
Madonna’s got an upcoming album, Madame X, to push, so she’s out there hustling and trying to figure out how to steal just a smidge of press from the ladies who have supplanted her in current pop culture like Ariana, Taylor, Beyonce, and Paula Abdul trying to “Oddjob” Julianne Hough. So, in a new interview with British Vogue (via Metro UK), Madonna declares that she has no role models that are breathing because “no one does what I do”. Surely someone among the 5 million people Madonna has
ripped off paid homage to in her long career must be alive, right? The Paris Is Burning cast alone…
Fresh off from grinding on Maluma around a chorus of holograms of herself at the Billboard Music Awards, Madonna has released another song off her album Madame X. “I Rise” may sound like a boner anthem but it’s Madonna’s musical homage to marginalized people and even starts out with a quote from gun reform activist and Stoneman Douglas High School shooting survivor Emma González.
Here’s The Billboard Music Awards Performance That Madonna Reportedly Spent $5 Million Of Her Own Cash On
Sure, Madonna’s new Madame X persona is a mixture of her past personas, and is like Dita from Erotica after drunkenly stumbling into the La Isa Bonita universe, but at least she’s trying to pull out some new shit from her pirate bloomers… Unlike Taylor Swift, who at 60 years old, will probably pull some Whatever Happened To Baby Tay Tay? shit by continuing to lip-synch to a rejected end credits Pixar movie song while girlishly twirling around in a sparkly pastel skating outfit before squealing about kittens, silly boys, and spelling.
At last night’s Billboard Music Awards, Madonna dry butt humped on Maluma as they performed their La Isla Bonita on Ambien song called Medellin. TMZ previously said (they have since taken down the entire post, Madame X got to them!) that she really wanted to make our eyeballs pop out (so that we’d have to buy a limited-edition Madame X eyepatch from her online store) with some TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED HIGH-TECH WIZARDRY so she searched her sofa for $5 million in loose change to pay for her own Billboard Music Awards performance. Basically, she performed with some low-res small ass holograms of herself in various forms of Madame X drag, and I’m disappointed that she missed an opportunity to really bring the controversy by making one of her holograms hologrind on and suck the holotoes of the Tupac hologram. Like the old days!
Madonna recently teased new music and I got excited at first because I love a well-dressed hooker with a dark past, but then I actually heard the song and I was like: “Oh… okay.” It’s not like I hate it, but honestly Madonna needs to give me another Confessions On A Dance Floor which turned me gay in 2005 (just kidding; Sailor Moon turned me gay in 1993). I just want to dance Madonna! And listening to you whisper “cha-cha-cha” does not get my booty thumping.
Regardless, Madonna threw together a video for us and it’s very Madonna. It’s so Madonna that she takes the opportunity–while groping lovingly on Maluma–to lick man’s toe while wearing an eyepatch. Duck, because Quentin Tarantino’s dick just blew off of his body.