Over two years ago, Hollywood let us know that they were finally doing something right for once by greenlighting an eight-episode series about the official blossom of Los Angeles, billboard queen Angelyne. Emmy Rossum and her husband Sam Esmail, who created Mr. Robot, bought the TV rights to The Hollywood Reporter’s investigative story about Angelyne’s journey from Polish refugee and daughter of Holocaust survivors to Los Angeles’ one-woman beautification board who singlehandedly made the city the most gorgeous place in the country with her billboards. Emmy Rossum took on the role of Angelyne in the unauthorized bio-series. And I say, “unauthorized,” because Angelyne, who took a hot pink shit on THR’s story and called it fiction, also took a hot pink shit on Emmy’s series, at first.
But eventually, the real Angelyne gave her hot pink stamp of approval and joined the show as an executive producer. That means producers probably stuffed a big enough wad of cash between her all-natural chichis of luscious perfection. An extremely fair and reasonable price for Angelyne’s approval is 98% of whatever the show’s budget is. So I figured that all of the show’s scenes would be shot in Emmy and Sam’s garage, the pink Corvette would be an old Barbie car bought at a yard sale, her costume would consist of an off-brand Elly Mae Clampett wig from Wish and the one hot pink dress she owns, and the other roles would be played by a mannequin and her dog. But it looks like they made that 2% stretch more than Angelyne’s angelic titty balls in a Spandex dress.
“One of history’s most gorgeous goddesses is an unauthorized fly catching Holly Madison mannequin from Amazon called Sexy Blond Silly Rabbitmate Fly Catcher?” – you.
But the tenth Muse (and the only Muse that matters) that Emmy Rossum is supposed to be is the official flower of Hollywood and Forever Billboard Queen, Angelyne. Over two years ago, Hollywood decided to take a quick three-second break from rebooting everything to play genie and grant us the wish of an Angelyne TV series. My idea of the perfect Angelyne TV series would be ten seasons and one hundred 60-minute episodes of the real Angelyne doing nothing but striking scalding hot poses in front of her flawless hot pink chariot as she throws evil glares at lessers who dare ask her for a picture without handing her $350 first (you got to pay to pose with perfection). But the Angelyne TV series we’re getting is scripted and is coming to us from Emmy and her Mr. Robot-creating husband Sam Esmail. And as production is about to start, Emmy Rossum shared the first picture of her in Angelyne drag, and well, if they gave preemptive Emmys for the category of You Tried, then Emmy just won it.
Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
I don’t know what Emmy Rossum and Cameron Monaghan are supposed to be looking at in this shot taken during the filming of Showtime’s Shameless. But I do know where their eyes are now, and that’s on anything besides a future Shameless script.
Kim Kardashian is still suffering the fallout from her Instagram stories where she was soooooo happy that her sisters compared her body to that of an anorexic person. Currently, she is being dragged by a few Hollywood actresses for her tacky obsession with being 119 pounds and I am chomping down on popcorn watching it happen.
Because of the billions upon billions of stories from people who have been preyed on by powerful trash men, Hollywood as we know it is burning down to the ground. And lurking in the smoke and flames is Hollywood’s future: ANGELYNE!
My headline is a bit misleading (What else is new?), because when I think of an “Angelyne TV series,” I prolapse from butt orgasming over the thought of an Angelyne reality show starring Angelyne. This isn’t a reality show and it’s not going to star Angelyne herself. It’ll be a scripted limited-series starring Emmy Rossum and it’ll be based on The Hollywood Reporter’s riveting tale of Angelyne’s transformation from Polish refugee to the candy-dipped Queen of Los Angeles. Hey, I’ll take an Angelyne TV series anyway it comes.