Category: John Legend

The “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” Reading Gave Us A Jerk-Off Scene Featuring Brad Pitt And Jennifer Aniston

September 18, 2020 / Posted by:

The dreams of any remaining TEAM ANISTON t-shirt owners had already come true last month when it was reported that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt would reunite for a live at-home reading of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. As promised, Jen and Brad reunited last night on Zoom for the Fast Times reading, to benefit Sean Penn’s CORE charity. And Brad and Jen must have been feeling extra charitable because they gave everyone at home an image for the ages by recreating the Phoebe Cates/Judge Reinhold jerk-off scene.

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John Legend And Chrissy Teigen Have Put Their Beverly Hills Mansion On The Market For $24 Million

August 21, 2020 / Posted by:

Earlier this week, Chrissy Teigen announced she was pregnant by the Sexiest Man Alive for the third time. That claim has been proven quantifiably FALSE. However, Chrissy is expecting a third baby with her husband John Legend. To make sure their new baby won’t have to sleep in a sock drawer, according to a source who spoke to People Magazine, the couple is looking for a new house “they can grow into,” and have put their Beverly Hills mansion on the market for $24 million. Yes, their current home has 7 bedrooms and 8 baths, but all the bedrooms have dirt floors and are heated with a single, beefy-smelling tallow candle. John and Chrissy deserve better. They’ve earned it!

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Chrissy Teigen Got Her Implants Removed

June 12, 2020 / Posted by:

Cue up Michelle Branch’s Goodbye to You, and pour one out for life in plastic, because Chrissy Teigen got her Tupperware titty bowls removed. They were just twenty years old. RIP to many of the big boobies born during the 90s/early aughts, when hard-boulder-tits reigned supreme. Sigh. Something for our kids to read about in the history books. Continue reading

Writer Yashar Ali Tried To Come For Alison Roman For Cultural Appropriation And Chrissy Teigen Got Hit In The Crossfire

June 9, 2020 / Posted by:

I needn’t remind you that we are currently living in the inevitable hellscape that was kicked off the moment Christopher Columbus’ goofy little boot first touched down on North American soil. Many horrible yet predictable scenarios have come to pass since then, but if anyone had “Halloween themed race-based cookbook author wars waged on Twitter in the middle of a global pandemic” on their Great American Experiment bingo card, can I hit you up for some lotto numbers?

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The “One World: Together At Home” Concert Happened Last Night

April 19, 2020 / Posted by:

The One World: Together at Home global concert event happened last night, featuring a ton of celebrities who, at some point, got tired of staring at the wall and instead decided to mic up, find the part of their house that looks the least opulent, and croak out some of your favorite karaoke tunes (mostly, sans fards) in real-time. It raised more than $127 million to fight coronavirus, and yes, Ellen DeGeneres found a way to piss people off… during a charity show. It’s a gift!

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Kylie Jenner Threw Daughter Stormi An Over The Top 2nd Birthday Party

February 3, 2020 / Posted by:

I totally remember my 2nd birthday party. The presents, the cake, the semi-truck-sized inflatable gaping maw made in my own image welcoming my guests into a hellscape from which escape is anything but guaranteed. I remember it all like it was yesterday. The thing is, if you’re not spending the equivalent of a small nation’s GDP on your child’s 2nd birthday, they’re just gonna forget it. Kylie Jenner knows this better than anybody. That’s why she risked exponentially increasing daughter Stormi Webster’s future therapy bills on a birthday bash for the ages (well, for the age of 2).

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