As expected, Duchess Meghan showed up to Serena Williams’ US Open final against Canadian teenager Bianca Andreescu yesterday and watched her friend lose. Even though Duchess Jinxy McBadLuck is obviously the sole reason for why Serena lost, the good news is that no peasant was beheaded for daring to take a picture of Meghan. Sure, one of Meghan’s bodyguards chopped off the arm of a peasant who held up a phone to take a picture of her, but they’ll be fine. They can get a hook.
People magazine reports that Duchess Meghan decided to make a last-minute weekend trip to New York City to watch her good pal Serena Williams play in the US Open. And in what will surely be a shock to all her haters, she flew there on a commercial flight.
If you’re into tennis then you know that the US Open has started and also know that there’s apparently a long-going rivalry between Serena Williams and Maria Sharapova. I say “apparently” because let’s be honest, Maria doesn’t really win, so how is she a rival? Wouldn’t there need to be a win/loss balance? There is not.
Well, Serena’s husband, Alexis Ohanian, may not really be worried his wife is going to lose to Maria, but he’s still ready to troll the other team hard–and so he wore a D.A.R.E. shirt to their match yesterday, which a lot of people thought was a jab at Maria who got temporarily banned for doping.
The Duchesses Went To Wimbledon, And Didn’t Scratch Each Other’s Faces Off Or Send A Pic Taker To The Gallows
When Duchess Meghan went to Wimbledon last week, it turned into an international ESCANDALO where it became clear she’s the greatest threat to the British empire since (insert whoever was the greatest threat to the British empire because I definitely passed out in world history class during that part). Meghan was called a nightmare who sicced her security after any uncouth peasant who dared to take her picture at a public event, and caused the corneas of the upper-class to burn from the sight of her low-class peon rags (aka jeans).
You would think that all the courts at Wimbledon would’ve crumbled from the unforgivable crime of Meghan wearing jeans, but they didn’t. And at the Ladies Final at Wimbledon today, Meghan showed up with Duchess Kate and Third Wheel Pippa. They sat in the Royal Box in front of Martina Navratilova and an unamused memaw in a polka dress who is obviously thinking, “How dare that Kate show up in the dress I like to wear at Christmas dinner each year.”
Who cares about THE QUEEN possibly making Prince Charles bust the nut of all nuts from finally handing over her crown and powers to him in two years (and you know that when she does, she’s going to quickly yank ’em back before saying, “SIKE, motherfucker!“). And who also cares about Prince Andrew’s connection to the child-raping dumpster hybrid of Scott Bakula and ALF. The British tabloids are really bringing us the royal news we need to ingest into our brain in order to close our eyelids to sleep tonight.
The Daily Mail says that if you were a lesser at Wimbledon who dared to use your iPhone to take a picture of Duchess Meghan, you probably aren’t reading this since you’re sitting in a dungeon. Even though Wimbledon was broadcast to millions around the world and there were photographers everywhere, Meghan apparently wouldn’t let the peasants use their peasant cameras to take a picture of her royal greatness.
Duchess Meghan enjoyed a dinner at Ralph Lauren’s Polo Bar restaurant last night following day one of her tacky two-day American baby shower hosted by her tacky American friends. I’m surprised they still had an appetite after a playing the “Name That Poop” melted candy bar in a diaper game but they somehow still managed to dine. Joining Meghan at dinner was good friend Serena Williams who also attended the first shower. According to The Cut, Meghan’s surprise trip to New York City is winding down and she’s expected to leave the city today after her second show and probably after making a pit stop at a bodega for a sack full of bacon egg and cheese sammies for the plane.