The Earth stopped spinning for a good minute yesterday, and scientists around the world nearly issued a CODE RED until they realized the Emmys were going on so it was just from Judith Light delivering some planet-stopping poses again – Lainey Gossip
Chestica Simpson’s spine is shedding a tear today because her chichis are about to get bigger than her head again since she’s got another baby growing in her body – SOW
Surprisingly enough, the writers of The Conners aren’t killing Roseanne off by giving her a devastating case of Foot In Mouth Disease. Instead they’ve killed her off with an opioid overdose – OMG Blog
If Maya Rudolph was going for “1920s spoiled little rich girl going to the wedding of someone she hates,” she nailed it! – Celebitchy
For some reason, The Silver Fox was shocked and appalled over certified wreck Donald Trump Jr. tweeting a lie – Towleroad
So according to Vicki Gunvalson of The Real PlasticMesses of Orange County, Kelly Dodd is a professional gold digger who is looking to be the very best in her profession by moving on up. Vicki says that like it’s a bad thing! – Reality Tea
Don’t you just hate it when you’re eating ice cream with your top off and some deliciousness dribbles onto your chest? Heidi Klum knows what I’m talking about – Drunken Stepfather
Olivia Munn looks like she’s about to open up for Luann de Lesseps on the cabaret circuit – Popoholic
RiRi is in Allure looking like she just tossed Richard Simmons’ salad – Hollywood Tuna
The latest Charlie Angel’s reboot will have multiple Bosleys and Sir Patrick Stewart will be one of them – Just Jared
When it comes time for us gays to be thrown into the camps, Jabba the Trump better give me the middle bunk between Ricky Martin and his hot piece of a husband for copy and pasting a Mario Kart Mushroom that is six times bigger than what Stormy Daniels claims he’s working with for real.
“Mario Kart” has been trending all day today, and at first I figured it was because there’s a new game, or it’s the anniversary of that shit, or maybe Super Mario was killed off in a tragic kart accident. It’s a billion times worse than the last one. “Where were you the day you clicked on Mario Kart on Twitter” is the moment that will haunt us all thanks to Stormy Daniels’ evil ass.
Since bitterness and cynicism are the not-so-secret ingredients that keep the frostbitten bag of rotten vulture gizzards I call a heart nice and frozen, I truly let out an, “Oh my fucking GOD no!“, while watching last night’s Emmys when I realized that a live wedding proposal was about to go down. And also because bitterness and cynicism are the not-so-secret ingredients that keep the frostbitten bag of rotten vulture gizzards I call a heart nice and frozen, I screamed, “Please let her say NO,” right after. But she didn’t, and the icy turd in my chest may or may not have melted a little when she said yes. DAMMIT! I hate feeling things.
Emily Heller is a comedian, writer, podcaster, and she’s a producer on Bill Hader’s show Barry, which is why she was at the Emmys last night. Emily Heller can also add “photo agency troll” to her resume, because she carried a purse that made non-Getty photographers drop their cameras, roll their eyes, and keep it moving. Okay, now I know that the sight of an Emily Heller at the Emmys isn’t exactly making photographers shank each other in the throat and break each other’s lenses to get EXCLUSIVE shots of her (they were probably saving those moves to get the first shots of Kiki Dunst’s spectacular nursing chichis), but a good troll move is a good troll move.
Emily tweeted the pics with this caption:
You know who was really excited to take pictures of this purse?
@gettyimages. You know who wasn’t? Every other photographer there. #emmys
And here’s what the pic of Emily’s watermark purse looks like on Getty’s site with the watermark. Watermarkception!
Getty has been known for being the Taylor Swift of photo agencies, because they will sue a trick for a crazy amount of money for copyright infringement. So Emily Heller needs to fire up a free copy of QuickBooks, because if Getty hits her with a $500 million lawsuit threat for using their logo without permission, she can immediately hit them back with a $501 million invoice for publicity, bitch!
Pics: Steve Grantiz/Wireimage, John Shearer/Getty
Patrick Schwarzenegger (25)
Jinkx Monsoon (31)
Angela Simmons (31)
Keeley Hazell (32)
Danielle Jonas (32)
Nina Arianda (34)
Alison Lohman (39)
Barrett Foa (41)
Sara Haines (41)
Jason Sudeikis (43)
Towanda Braxton (45)
James Marsden (45)
Lance Armstrong (47)
Jada Pinkett Smith (47)
Aisha Tyler (48)
Ricky Bell (51)
Holly Robinson Peete (54)
Joanne Catherall (56)
Lori and George Schappell (57)
Jeana Keough (63)
Ben Carson (67)
Anna Deavere Smith (68)
Satan’s Angel (74)
Frankie Avalon (78)
Fred Willard (79)
Robert Blake (85)
James Gandolfini (1961-2013)
June Foray (1917-2017)
Agnes de Mille (1905-1993)
Greta Garbo (1905-1990)
While many of us have been over here, pronouncing Chrissy Teigen’s last name as TEE-GEN, she’s been thinking to herself, “Bitch, it’s TIE-GEN, but okay.” Chrissy says everyone has been saying her last name wrong, and she doesn’t correct them, because she doesn’t ever correct people. To prove that she’s not just fucking with people for re-tweets, she got her mom to confirm. Or got her mom to shamelessly lie for her!!! Whatever the case may be, I too have a last name that 99% of people say wrong, and I never correct them. I especially don’t correct a bill collector when they call and butcher my last name while asking for me. I can be 100% truthful when I say, “That’s not me, and I don’t know anyone with that last name, thankyouverymuch” – SOW
Duchess Meghan did a cookbook. It’s a charity cookbook with the survivors of the Grenfell fire, so I’m sure there’s not a recipe using the tears us Prince Hot Ginge-a-holics shed on his wedding day – Lainey Gossip
My money went toward the $16 million that A Simple Favor brought in this weekend, and it shames me to say this, but I was into it, Blake Lively’s bootleg Marlene Dietrich tuxedos and all – Pajiba
Cardi B denies posting transphobic shit and blamed it on an old Facebook page that she doesn’t have access to and hasn’t tried to get shut down for some reason – Towleroad