This morning, Sarah Silverman was a guest on The View and dropped a very interesting tidbit about her relationship with comedian Rory Albanese. The couple, who have been dating since late 2020, SHARE A TOOTHBRUSH!!! That’s right! Sarah uses the same toothbrush as Rory, Rory uses the same toothbrush as Sarah. One toothbrush, two people. The women of The View were disgusted, but Sarah’s logic was, “Why is that so gross, we kiss each other where we pee!” OK sure, but, usually, old food bits don’t get stuck in your pee-parts. Usually.
Good news, Jennifer Lopez is back to doing what she does best. Not singing! She’s back on the big screen and she’s staring Oscar dead in the eye and daring him to snub her for a second time! And Oscar is very confused because he’s seen the trailer for Marry Me, and honestly, he’s not impressed. It looks like they fired up the old Mad Libs Rom-Com generator for this one and still somehow managed to come up with the least imaginative answers possible. International superstar JLo plays an [occupation] international superstar (OK, she sings a little) who plans to marry her [occupation] international superstar boyfriend, played by international superstar Maluma, live on stage but finds out he’s cheating moments before. So she decides to marry the first schmo she sees who happens to be a [humble occupation] math teacher played by Owen Wilson who is a [endearing trait] single dad. Could it be true love? Or could it be an excuse for JLo to parade around in haute couture? I guess whoever sees this movie will find out! Ben Affleck, you’ll let us know, won’t you?
When it was announced last month that Kathryn Hahn would star as the late great Joan Rivers in a Showtime biopic about her career rebirth in the 1980s, it felt like the whole internet let out a collective gasp of joy. But not so! Sarah Silverman, a comedian who is also a woman and Jewish, wasn’t exactly thrilled about seeing a Jewish woman comedian played by a Gentile. In fact, Sarah’s not sure non-Jewish actors should be playing Jewish characters, to begin with. Well, one person who would like to respectfully disagree with Sarah is Tony Shalhoub, an example of what Sarah is talking about.
The internet’s most annoying and misleading hashtag convention, #[fillintheblank]isoverparty, strikes again. Every time I see that hashtag I try to ignore it but know that by the end of the day morbid curiosity will eventually lead me to clicking on it only to be disappointed to find out that [fillintheblank] farted on a kitten or something equally banal. Today it was the end of Jimmy Fallon’s career that was being smugly and gleefully celebrated on Twitter after a 20-year old clip of him doing a Chris Rock impression in full blackface on Saturday Night Live resurfaced. According to The New York Post, the clip was posted with the caption “NBC fired Megyn Kelly for mentioning blackface. Jimmy Fallon performed on NBC in blackface,” which is simply exhausting. With everything going on in #thesesupremelyfuckeduptimes, re-litigating blackface is definitely a party I’m not RSVPing to, I don’t care how socially distanced it is. I’m so very tired.
Corona isn’t the only thing going viral these days. With everybody on lockdown and bored out of their minds, we are grasping at straws for anything even mildly entertaining to distract us from this supremely shitty situation. Some desperate souls have even resorted to watching Cats! Which is why you may have seen the video that’s going around where Gal Gadot and a bafflingly random group of celebrities join together as one to sing John Lennon’s Imagine. You see, coronavirus got Gal to thinking: What if we are all really the same? And to her credit, when it comes right down to it, celebrities really are just like us. They’re also bored, scared, barely any of them can sing, and the ones who can sing, are always doing too much.
Shrieky comedian Kevin Hart was dropped out as the 2019 Oscar host because he refused to apologize for some homophobic tweets from his past that came back up (not to mention how he refused to say he was wrong for his son’s cowboys and Indians-themed birthday party). The Academy told Kevin to acknowledge and apologize for the tweets or get the fuck out. Kevin refused, saying he had already addressed the tweets in the past. So Kevin got the fuck out, and then apologized. Maybe he didn’t want to jeopardize a future Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards hosting gig. Kevin’s friend, the extra extra extra Nick Cannon, came to his defense by posting past tweets from several well-known female comedians that used the f-bomb and subtly suggested that Hollywood is full of hypocrisy. Well, DUH.