Two carpets, both alike in dignity
(In fair Hollywood, where we lay our scene),
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil shoes make civil rugs unclean.
It’s crazy how those words by William Shakespeare are still as true today as they were in 1996 when we finally understood them thanks to Baz Luhrmann‘s Romeo + Juliet. And this morning, as the sun rose over the detritus of last night’s Oscars celebrations, one carpet emerged victorious and unblemished by the unsightly stains of blood and mud and whatever it was that Fine Ass Jonathan Majors had in his tiny silver sipping cup. For reasons we may only understand after Baz makes a movie about it, after weeks of torrential rain, the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences decided this was the year to break with a 64-year tradition and pull the Red Carpet out from under our feet in exchange for a Champagne Industrial Rug. For revenge, Florence Pugh could barely be bothered to dress for the big event so she just brushed her ponytail to the front and grabbed a beige duvet cover out of the dirty laundry for the Oscars, saving her pink comforter for the Blue Carpet at the Vanity Fair after party.
There used to be a time whenever someone would do something stupid people would jokingly say “Yeah, they’re canceled” and the new rule was that we no longer entertained their nonsense. Now with the advent of the term “cancel culture” anyone can become canceled for reasons far less severe than being a symbol of sexual harassment. So now everyone has an opinion about who gets canceled and why, which means the term has officially been downgraded from something relevant to something that needs to be, ironically, canceled. And since we haven’t had an intellectual dissertation on the subject yet, Cate Blanchett is here to school us on why cancel culture has become a dangerous way of life for everyone.
Cate Blanchett Calls For The End Of Televised Awards Shows While Accepting A Critics Choice Award On The CW…
The Critics Choice Awards aired on The CW last night, and a not-so-surprising guest crashed that shit like, “Bitch, I’m STILL here.” I’m talking about COVID-19. Nominees Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, and Jamie Lee Curtis, as well as presenter Michelle Pfeiffer, had to sit the show out after testing positive for Coronavirus. COVID-19 didn’t fuck with Cate Blanchett, though. She showed up to last night’s ceremony, won Best Actress for her performance in Tár, and used some of her time on stage to praise all actresses in the business and also declared that we need to finally call the time of death on the “televised horse race” known as awards shows. And then Cate galloped away with her Critics Choice Award in hand to place it right next to her two Oscars, three BAFTAs, four Golden Globes, three SAG Awards, and many other horse race prizes.
Choices, choices, choices! When did there get to be so many choices? Earlier this month at the People’s Choice Awards, the People had their say and chose Mariska Hargitay to get upstaged by Kathy Hilton and Olivia Wilde’s nipples. And now it’s time for the Critics to nominate their choices for future choosing at the 2023 Critics Choice Awards. And maybe because the Critics are canonically more critical than the People, they’ve chosen Everything Everywhere All at Once over Olivia’s nipples, which along with Don’t Worry Darling, were left out of the choices for future choosing altogether. Why, in my day, three white men with cigars in a secret Hollywood backroom made all the choices over the flayed body of a virgin sacrifice, but nowadays, it seems, everybody gets to choose!
In this, our year of Fuck It, red carpets are back in full swing. You probably don’t remember last year’s Screen Actors Guild Awards since they were host-less, pre-taped and the nominees who bothered to dress up, did so from their backyards, on balconies, in front of white screens or, in Jared Leto’s case, standing on a bridge in what looks like Paris clutching a jewel-encrusted clam-shell looking like Fred from The Scooby Gang’s effete cousin who stopped eating carbs and tried to cover his Midwestern accent by pretending to be “European.” But this year, since COVID is but a mere memory, SAG busted out that dusty rug, hit it with a wet vac, and rolled that red carpet out so Jared could pose for the camera looking like Doc Holiday’s effete cousin who stopped eating carbs and tried to cover his Midwestern accent by pretending to be a 19th century “gentleman huckleberry farmer.”
If this year’s Golden Globes flop is any indication, big glitzy awards shows might not be as important as they once were. That opens the door to just about any old body to swoop in and declare they’ve predicted the Oscars. W Magazine has just published their annual Best Performances issue and unlike the GGs, they were actually able to get all the big-name celebrities into hair and makeup, including Oscar-hungry Lady Gaga. So you better believe she was ready for her close-up when W Magazine called!