The Met Gala isn’t a human and isn’t even alive, and yet, that bitch is still getting more action than me.
The theme for the Met’s costume exhibit is Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and Catholic Imagination, but the dress code for the Gala was “Sunday best.” Now, my Sunday best is a faded black Dollywood t-shirt and some Fruit of the Loom sweat shorts covered with chicharron crumbs, wine splatters and lube drops from snacking, boozing and watching porn on my couch. But I guess “Sunday best” to famous rich hos is a crown that weighs more than their head and all of the fabric found in the “Perfect For Granny’s Living Room Curtains” section at Hobby Lobby.
Hollywood decided to wear black at the Golden Globes last Sunday night in silent protest of the industry’s sexual assault problem. But four days later, most Hollywood people at the Critics’ Choice Awards went with color.
Kate Bosworth didn’t wear color, but she did wear a mess. Kate is wearing a dress by Brock Collection, but if I hadn’t been told who made her dress, I’d assume she went into a formal event showroom on a particularly dry day, collected too much static electricity while trying on a bridal gown with her socks on, and accidentally left the store with a child’s christening gown that was stuck to her. The best part is that the fun didn’t end when Kate turned around.
The strange thing was that everyone wasn’t told to go home as soon as this feathery vision of dusty pink gluh-moore whipped his boa train on the carpet. Why even bother going on with the 2017 CFDA Awards when it was already shut down by an exquisite bejeweled pink ostrich? I’m sure that is a question that fashion professors will ponder with their students for years to come.
As if Madonna needed to physically show us how thirsty she is. We know, girl!
Every year, Madonna descends upon the Met Gala with more excitement than a clown who just snorted a line of crushed espresso beans. Last night was no different. Madonna showed up in Duck Dy-Nasty camo couture, swigging something from a canteen. Who cares what the theme was; Madonna wanted to do drunk Bass Pro Shops beauty pageant queen, and so that’s what Madonna is gonna do.
Of course, Madonna did disappoint a teeny tiny bit. I’m of course talking about the fact that her ass – arguably the Met Gala’s most frequent guest – was nowhere to be seen last night. Given the theme of her ensemble, she could have taken it further by letting her ass cheeks flop around behind her like two plucked mallards. Madonna’s look was done by Jeremy Scott for Moschino, so I blame him for that.
We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that.
Today is a day that is happening, which means there’s another famous trick going on about how they keep their body grasshopper dick skinny and stay healthy by eating a steady diet of distilled water and almond-scented air sandwiches. Kate Bosworth admits that her regular every day diet is almost as bland as she is, but she does allow her taste buds to tingle over a touch of deliciousness. Kate says that the one indulgence you will never be able to pry out of her claws is a bottle of ketchup. That’s a lot different than the daily indulgence you will never be able to pry out of my claws: a Hershey bar and weed-infused Nutella sandwich. Did I say indulgence? I meant necessity.
At the launch of a topical acne ointment, Kate talked to Self magazine about what she puts in her mouth on a daily basis, and she said that she’s on a wheat-free, sugar-free and mostly-dairy-free meal plan. She still drinks the leche of goats. Kate’s secret to making her food delicious is ketchup. If eating tons of ketchup red-ifies your caca, then the inside of Kate’s toilet must look like an episode of Game of Thrones, because she puts it on everything! The Ketchup Song is her life anthem.
But of course, the 33-year-old actress has that one thing she could never cut out. “Ketchup is the indulgence that I never give up. Ketchup on everything,” she said.
Bosworth knows that although this diet is delicious, it’s a bit strict. And she revealed that she only eats this way 80 percent of the time. When she goes to Montana to spend time with her husband Michael Polish, it’s a totally different story. She’s drinking whiskey, chowing down on burgers, and cooking ragu in between riding horses and swimming.
Maybe Kate is really on to something. If I put ketchup on all of my food, my daily calorie intake would go from like 3,000 calories to 3 calories a day. But I wonder, Kate says she puts ketchup on everything, but does she really put it on everything? If so, then Kate and her husband’s friends now know why their crotches always reek of tomato bisque.
Here’s the ketchup-head at the launch of that topical acne ointment in NYC on June 3rd.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com