Well, that didn’t take long. Nothing? Let me try again. Well, that didn’t take long. You know, as in it didn’t take Kate Bosworth very LONG to go from being married to director Michael Polish for 8 years, to going Instagram official with her House of Darkness co-star Justin Long who she met on set. Come on folks, give me a break. I’m doing my best in #thesecontinuedtryingtimes. At least it’s better than the sweaty Polished dong joke I started with!
Random couple alert! Justin Long and Kate Bosworth are probably boning. These two met while filming a movie in Fayetteville, Arkansas earlier this year. In May, 38-year-old Kate posted a gushing tribute to 43-year-old Justin on Instagram, describing him as a “truly spectacular / fun / funny / kind / rare / thoughtful / totally. fckn. rad human being.” She loves him more than she loves ketchup! Then in August, Kate announced she was consciously uncoupling her husband of eight years, director Michael Polish. Cut to earlier this week when Justin released a podcast episode where he referenced his girlfriend. And while he didn’t identify her as Kate, sources tell Page Six that it’s, like, totally K-Bos. Awww, somebody has a Blue Crush!
The Met Gala isn’t a human and isn’t even alive, and yet, that bitch is still getting more action than me.
The theme for the Met’s costume exhibit is Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and Catholic Imagination, but the dress code for the Gala was “Sunday best.” Now, my Sunday best is a faded black Dollywood t-shirt and some Fruit of the Loom sweat shorts covered with chicharron crumbs, wine splatters and lube drops from snacking, boozing and watching porn on my couch. But I guess “Sunday best” to famous rich hos is a crown that weighs more than their head and all of the fabric found in the “Perfect For Granny’s Living Room Curtains” section at Hobby Lobby.
Hollywood decided to wear black at the Golden Globes last Sunday night in silent protest of the industry’s sexual assault problem. But four days later, most Hollywood people at the Critics’ Choice Awards went with color.
Kate Bosworth didn’t wear color, but she did wear a mess. Kate is wearing a dress by Brock Collection, but if I hadn’t been told who made her dress, I’d assume she went into a formal event showroom on a particularly dry day, collected too much static electricity while trying on a bridal gown with her socks on, and accidentally left the store with a child’s christening gown that was stuck to her. The best part is that the fun didn’t end when Kate turned around.
The strange thing was that everyone wasn’t told to go home as soon as this feathery vision of dusty pink gluh-moore whipped his boa train on the carpet. Why even bother going on with the 2017 CFDA Awards when it was already shut down by an exquisite bejeweled pink ostrich? I’m sure that is a question that fashion professors will ponder with their students for years to come.
As if Madonna needed to physically show us how thirsty she is. We know, girl!
Every year, Madonna descends upon the Met Gala with more excitement than a clown who just snorted a line of crushed espresso beans. Last night was no different. Madonna showed up in Duck Dy-Nasty camo couture, swigging something from a canteen. Who cares what the theme was; Madonna wanted to do drunk Bass Pro Shops beauty pageant queen, and so that’s what Madonna is gonna do.
Of course, Madonna did disappoint a teeny tiny bit. I’m of course talking about the fact that her ass – arguably the Met Gala’s most frequent guest – was nowhere to be seen last night. Given the theme of her ensemble, she could have taken it further by letting her ass cheeks flop around behind her like two plucked mallards. Madonna’s look was done by Jeremy Scott for Moschino, so I blame him for that.