I’m fucking kidding of course. This year’s Oscars red carpet was about as glamorous as a back alley gluteal augmentation. Not even red carpet darling Billy Porter could save this parade of half-baked ideas which ranged from Saoirse Ronan’s front butt ruffle to Laura Dern’s titty-tassels. The real kicker is that, for reasons I will never accept, Blac Chyna was invited to pose for hundreds of pictures looking like a second string (ok, twelfth string) Cruella de Vil who smothered Cookie Monster with her bosom, skinned him with her talons and used his pelt for this dress. Meanwhile, the cast of Best Picture winning Parasite, were only photographed together in a group. The fuck? At least they let them use the slo-mo cam which is a big improvement on Giuliana Rancic’s (below, go easy on her, she’s dealing with some intestinal distress) Mani-Cam of yore.
Back in January, we heard that Brie Larson and her fiancé Alex Greenwald (aka the guy who sang the theme song to The O.C.) had “taken a step back” and that they remained close. While Brie was stepping backwards, she must have bumped into a new guy, because she was recently seen smooching all over him in a grocery store.
God bless ya if you’ve been able to keep up with all the fucking Avengers running around here these days. Just looking at the poster for the upcoming Avengers: Endgame movie takes so much concentration. I keep thinking I’m supposed to eventually see a sailboat or some shit. It’s a mess, and it gives me a throbbing, Thanos’ dick-sized migraine. But the poster isn’t nearly as much of a mess as the red carpet for last night’s premiere of Avengers: Endgame: Too Many Spidermen. Not only was every Groot, Korg and Kraglin Obfonteri from the movies there, all the Marvel universe TV characters were there too. It must have been the least exclusive guest list to hit Hollywood since the premiere of Gotti. I mean, they even let Colin Jost in!
Some angry straight men terrified of losing their power base have apparently banded together to mount a movement to ruin a movie prior to its release. Captain Marvel, starring Oscar shade-throwing expert Brie Larson, drops on March 8, and Brie’s recent requests for a more inclusive panel of film critics to review her movie have been met with terrified hatred by the usual suspects. Hence, as the Huffington Post reports, the assholes trying to flood the movie’s Rotten Tomatoes page with negative comments calling Brie a man-hating racist trying to stuff her feminist agenda up their angry asses.
The Hollywood Reporter is saying that Scarlett Johansson is going to get a huge ton of cash for working on the standalone Black Widow movie which recently got its director. According to THR, Scarlett’s salary is equal to what the delicious Captain of America, Chris Evans, and what the hunky God of Thunder and Muscle Mass, Chris Hemsworth, were paid for Avengers: Infinity War, Captain America: Civil War and Thor: Ragnarok. Scarlett will be earning a grandios $15 million for playing Black Widow in her own movie.
Marvel decided that because The Emmys were last night, the heterosexuals of America also deserved a lil something, something, so they released the Captain Marvel trailer today for all of the nerds out there.
Brie Larson, who plays the titular Captain Marvel (how many of you giggled at the words “titular”?), was on Good Morning America today to reveal the trailer herself. This is the first Marvel Studios project with a female lead since they started making movies 10 years ago with the release of Iron Man, so it’s kind of a big deal. Cut to Scarlett Johansson screeching into a pillow somewhere: “Why couldn’t it have been me?!”