Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
The Hollywood Reporter says that HBO is doing a Cabbage Patch Doll-inspired project starring Issa Rae, of Insecure, and Laura Dern, of everything but especially Enlightened (a show I won’t ever let die), will executive produce and star in a limited series for HBO about the Cabbage Patch Doll riots of the early 1980s.
The series will be written by Issa, alongside Insecure writers Laura Kittrell and Amy Aniobi. The series titled The Dolls will be set in 1983 in two small Arkansas towns, and will focus on what happens after a Christmas Eve doll riot. The Dolls will reportedly “explore class, race, privilege and what it takes to be a good mother.”
Xavier Roberts copyrighted his Cabbage Patch Dolls in the late 1970s, but they weren’t a huge, massive hit until they were given a big toy factory makeover in 1982. The Cabbage Patch Dolls we all know hit shelves in America during the holiday season of 1983, and people went wild. It was like as if Black Friday spent the whole day lifting weights and snorting coke, it was that aggressive.
Many stores like J.C. Penney, Sears, and Macy’s all a series of violent customer outbursts over the dolls, especially after upwards of thousands of customers spent time in line waiting for a doll they’d never get. They were called the Cabbage Patch riots, and some even involved weapons, like baseball bats. If Issa and Laura need any present-day references for their project, I suggest they make their way to Calabasas. Because the Cabbage Patch riots sounds a whole lot like the Kardashian compound when there’s only one vial of Botox left.
It’s a bit redundant to say so, because aren’t all award shows just an excuse for fashion houses to clean out their local Fabric Barn and send a famous person down the carpet in more material than a 1980s canopy bed set? But the Emmys did see a lot of by-the-yardage last night, like on Jessica Biel, who said yes to a white Ralph & Russo dress. If you think Jessica and Justin Timberlake look like they stopped by the Emmys on their way to appearing on the top of a wedding cake, you’re not the only one.
Note that I left out the word “mess,” as there’s no question that the messiest part of the red carpet was most likely the three square feet of space occupied by Ryan Seacrest.
If there was an award for red carpet fashion that makes you question a stylist’s sanity, Nicole Kidman would be that category’s Meryl Streep. Nicole arrived in an Armani Prive gown that does double duty. From the waist-up she’s very mascot of a sexy frozen fish company, and from the waist down I’m getting a reminder to please separate my plastic recyclables from my paper.
There was a lot of messy fashion at the SAG Awards last night (prepare yourself accordingly after that jump below!). But obviously any effort that was put in was immediately cancelled out the second Kate Hudson returned to the scene of last year’s fashion crime and fully outdid herself in a fluffy Valentino vision of countrified love. I say love because, duh, the hearts a’plenty, but also because I love this dress. What’s not to love? Black velvet (check), pink beauty pageant chiffon (check), a high-lace neckline with corresponding bib of ruffles (checking furiously). The only thing missing is a pink parasol. Kate probably left it in the limo for fear of being mistaken for Miley Cyrus in a knock-off production of My Fair Lady called Decent Lookin’ Gal.
Here’s who else showed up and sizzled eyeballs with style.
Angelina Jolie Decided To Fulfill Someone’s Feathered 60s Fantasy Last Night (And Other Looks From The Golden Globes)
Almost everyone who walked the Golden Globes red carpet this year wore black to protest Hollywood’s sexual misconduct problem. One thing that wasn’t being protested was good taste. There were a lot of black velvet outfits on that red carpet. Sure, it’s a bit of an obvious choice, but a choice I was absolutely here for, because anything that makes my brain start blasting “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles gets two thumbs up from me.
But some people went a little more experimental with their all-black interpretation. Like Angelina Jolie, who showed up to the Golden Globes in some goth Lawrence Welk Show realness by Atelier Versace. It’s a little Barbra Streisand at the 1969 Oscars, with a splash of 60s televangelist, all poured onto a fainting couch and garnished with, “But detective, I swear my husband was dead when I found him!”