The nominations for the 2019 Golden Globe Awards were announced really early this morning, which seems unnecessary. Did everyone need to get up at the crack of dawn? Surely just one person could have grabbed their phone at 4am and texted Lady Gaga “Hey girl, ur officially one step closer to an Oscar nomination, c u at the ceremony.” But that would be just a little much, considering there are other movies that were released this year besides A Star is Born. Although, A Star Is Born didn’t get the most movies nominations, so everyone involved in the making of Vice, should expect to feel the e-mail wrath of the Little Monsters.
It’s a bit redundant to say so, because aren’t all award shows just an excuse for fashion houses to clean out their local Fabric Barn and send a famous person down the carpet in more material than a 1980s canopy bed set? But the Emmys did see a lot of by-the-yardage last night, like on Jessica Biel, who said yes to a white Ralph & Russo dress. If you think Jessica and Justin Timberlake look like they stopped by the Emmys on their way to appearing on the top of a wedding cake, you’re not the only one.
And yet, Fox still has that disaster of a Lethal Weapon TV series plugged into life support? To paraphrase Andy Samberg’s character Jake Peralta: cool cool cool cool cool, the system makes no goddamn sense. Yes, I’m a Brooklyn Nine-Nine fan, and yes I’m more pissed than Scary Terry realizing he’s about to miss the farmer’s market.
It’s not a true Taylor Swift new album era until the full wave of endorsement tie-ins and product placement has begun. She’s hawked Diet Coke, CoverGirl, Elizabeth Arden, Apple, and Keds in the past. This time around, she’s somehow gotten UPS on board because…um, I don’t really know why. But I naively thought her endorsements were behind her. Old Taylor was dead, right? Which means New Taylor is all about the music and just being a free spirit? Hahaha, WRONG.
…and Beyoncé is somewhere pissed that she didn’t think of this maternity strategy first! Us Weekly says Andy Samberg and his wife, Joanna Newsom, secretly had a baby girl and only just announced it. They have been married since 2013 and dated for five years before that, making them a damn unicorn among the typical attention-seeking hos in Hollywood with a case of the wandering peen or wayward puss. They’ve also apparently been public in the past about baby on the brain. Andy told reporters at a Fox All-Star party in 2016, “I love babies. I would love a baby someday.” Only, he forgot to add in “…and I won’t be telling you bunch of narks as to what day that will be!”
I’m sure their PR reps and agents are hitting happy hour extra hard this afternoon. No “Second Trimester Misery!” tabloid covers?! No bidding war for baby photos?! No ten-centimeters dilated pap stroll on your way into Cedars Sinai?! How the hell is a PR flunky supposed to earn some Christmas cash without those commission streams?!
Andy Samberg’s tiny-voiced wife Joanna Newsom is sort of known for having a “fuck it, I wear what I want” attitude when it comes to red carpet clothes. Which is great, because, fuck it – wear what you want. And last night was no exception. Obviously the WTF Award went to Heidi Klum and whatever the hell she was wearing, but Joanna came pretty close.
Joanna’s look is sort of a mix between “accident at the Mattel factory involving a Pink n’ Pretty dining room set” and “fancy new money jellyfish“, and I don’t hate it. She looks like what I imagine Miss Piggy’s powder room looks like; just tons of random fabric and shit covered in gems. Also, if you squint a little, her dress sort of looks like a penis with a wart on the tip. Just me? Okay.
Other than Joanna, not many other famous types brought the messy eleganza. Probably because they knew it was going to be so hot, and they just couldn’t be bothered. That, or they knew no matter how foolish they tried to look, they’d be no match for Alan Cumming and his dress CROCS.
Regardless, here’s a bunch of other dresses from last night. And pants! A bunch of ladies wore pants. I don’t really blame them; it’s a lot easier to run back and forth to the bar during commercials if you don’t have to pull 30 lbs of fabric along with you.