In Pretty Woman, a film that just turned 30 years old, Julia Roberts plays the cleanest, most carefree hooker in the world who stumbles across a rich man and lets loose in high society as a new woman for the low rental price of $3,000. At the base, it’s Cinderella with fuck-me boots. Fast forward to 2019 and Julia believes that in this current climate of sexual politics, a film like Pretty Woman would never fly.
Julia Roberts presented the Best Picture Oscar last night and when she said the words “Green Book,” I was hoping that it was another PriceWaterhouseCoopers fuck up. But Green Book really did win Best Picture. Marie Kondo, who was at the Oscars last night (pics in the gallery), should’ve grabbed Green Book before the show, declared it doesn’t spark joy and trashed it before it had a chance to win anything. Damn you, Marie! You had ONE job!
Before all you young tricks were stinking up Saturday afternoon TBS with marathons of How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days and Bring It On, there was a rom-com for those of us cynical tricks who believe there isn’t so much happily ever after as it is happily gay and hag ever after. My Best Friend’s Wedding both warped my expectations of what a writer’s salary can be (Julia, how are you affording that fancy New York lifestyle on a food critic budget?) and made me want to get married just for the sake of having an Aretha Franklin sing-a-long in a lobster restaurant. It’s been 22 years (!!) since the movie came out, and the cast reunited to give the dirty details on how the movie was made…and remind everyone what a salty gay Rupert Everett is!
Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
When Julia Roberts showed up to the 1999 premiere of Notting Hill and SCANDALIZED THE WORLD by flashing some bushy armpits (that was the day we all learned that women actually grow hair there!!!!), most people figured she was either auditioning for an open slot at Lilith Fair or was just trying to show us twinks (what?! I used to be one before I discovered Chick-fil-A) there was hope to one day become a cub. Alas, she just told Busy Philipps it was neither of those.
There was a time in the 90s and early 2000s when you couldn’t hear a cover of “You Can’t Hurry Love” without thinking of Julia Roberts and her smile that never ends (I’m positive it never ends, the jaw unhinges and the teeth just keep going). But it’s been a while since we’ve seen Julia Roberts twirl around falling autumn leaves with an actor possibly named Richard. There’s a reason for that.