That persistent, rat a tat tat sound you hear right now is Tom Cruise stomping his little Cha Cha heels in a rage over the news that the release date for Top Gun 2: What Could Go Wrong? has been postponed yet again, this time due to the coronavirus pandemic. If so many lives and livelihoods weren’t at stake, I’d give coronavirus a big wet kiss on the mouth for providing us with this small dose of schadenfreude during this difficult time. Top Gun: Maverick joins a slew of other movies, including the sequel to A Quiet Place, that are having to self-isolate from their scheduled theatrical release dates. According to The Wrap, Top Gun: Maverick’s Goose Is Cooked won’t be buzzing our towers until Christmas.
The new remake of the 1951 John Huston classic, The African Queen, that starred Katharine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart finally has a trailer. For some reason they’re calling it Jungle Cruise and it stars Emily Blunt and The Rock. It does make me wonder though. It’s a Disney movie, and coincidentally, there just so happens to be a ride at Disneyland called Jungle Cruise. It’s almost too on the nose. Could it be that it’s not a coincidence at all? Nah! There’s no way in hell they’d try to make an entire movie based on the flimsy premise of a lazy river from which a dusty hippopotamus sprays stagnant pond water on a boatload of sunburnt tourists. Sure, they did make all those Pirates of The Caribbean movies, but those only grossed a measly $5 billion worldwide! Surely Disney wouldn’t attempt the same folly twice!
Variety has published a list of the top earning celebrities for 2019 and Martin Lawrence is sitting pretty at the big boys’ (and girls, and Tommy Girl’s) table. And no, I’m not talking about that Martin Lawrence, I’m talking about original recipe Martin Lawrence. Thanks to his Bad Boys For Life co-star Will Smith, Martin Fitzgerald Lawrence out-earned Academy Award nominees Jessica Chastain and Joaquin Phoenix. The three-time Kid’s Choice nominee was paid $6 million for reprising his role in the Bad Boys 3-sequel. I guess that creepy genie really can make wishes come true!
The A Quiet Place squeakuel – oops, sorry, that’s a different horror franchise called Alvin and the Chipmunks– I mean sequel, was announced over a year ago approximately 5 minutes after the original was released. You might think that’s TOO SOON, but the first movie brought in $340 million worldwide on just a $17 million production budget. With odds like that I’m surprised they haven’t yet announced A Quiet Place 15: Electric Boogaloo Reprise Again. The sequel is scheduled to be out on May 15, 2020 and casting is moving along with sinister Irish hottie Cillian Murphy as the sequel’s undoubtably creepy lead.
Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? Pay discrepancy! The Rock is making gobs of cash these days as an actor, and his movies tend to do well, which is why he’s paid so much. He’s teaming up with Emily Blunt for Disney’s live-action Jungle Cruise– and he will make $22 million from the flick while Emily is ONLY walking away with $9 million.