I guess Glenn Close will have an eight crack at OSCAR! Just days after the Academy Awards surprised us with neither Glenn or Lady Gaga walking home with Best Actress and Gaga somehow still coming across in a bed of roses, Glenn is throwing herself back in the MMA awards season fighting octagon. No, she isn’t doing a Holocaust movie – she’s nabbing the other one-way ticket to an award: A MUSICAL! Cue up Patti LuPone’s shank eye.
Picture this: Pip Close holding his ass up at the TV and farting at the screen when his human lost to Olivia Colman!
I was secretly hoping that 7th time would be a charm for Glenn Close, but Olivia Colman deserved it for her delivery of the perfect line “I like it when she puts her tongue inside of me” in The Favourite. And she proved she deserved it with her perfection speech that was a mixture of messy, charming, and funny. It was a perfect speech, but on the other hand, if Glenn Close won, she definitely would’ve delivered a perfect speech by saying, “I’d like to thank Pip Close and Pip Close alone. Goodnight.”
— The A.V. Club (@TheAVClub) February 25, 2019
And as for what Glenn Close was thinking when Olivia shouted her out, she was definitely thinking, “I can’t believe I wore gold. Fuck me and fuck all the bitches saying I was the frontrunner.”
Pics: ABC, Wenn.com
As I’m typing this, I am hoping that a certain gorgeous blond bombshell is luxuriating in a Hollywood hotel penthouse on a velvet settee and throwing barf eyes at his stylist as he’s presented with the one-of-a-kind tuxedo options that have been FedEx’d overnight to him from Milan while a manicurist works on his nail situation, a team of hair stylists try to achieve the impossible (aka making his immaculate coif even more flawless), and a groomer wearing warmed cashmere gloves expresses his anal glands. That last one might make you think I’m talking about Ryan Seacrest, but I am talking about the stunning Pippi “Pip” Close who stole yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards without even trying.
Glenn Close deserves another award for acting like she’s grateful to tie with that lesser!
WTF was redefined twice last night at the Critics’ Choice Awards when two categories saw ties. TIES! There was a tie for Best Actress in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television when both Amy Adams (for Sharp Objects) and Patricia Arquette (for Escape at Dannemora) won. And the legendary Glenn Close tied for Best Actress in a movie with amateur actress Lady Gaga. Glenn Close is a professional, so she didn’t do what she should’ve done, which is to sashay up to the mic and say, “You hate me. You really fucking hate me!”
Nominations for the Pinky’s Up Oscars, aka the BAFTA Awards, were announced in London today and The Gagabot 3000 is one more step closer to achieving its goal of total global domination. Lady Gaga was nominated for the 99th Leading Actress out of a room filled with 100 Leading Actresses for A Star Is Born. Joining her are Glenn Close (#98 for The Wife), Melissa McCarthy (#97 for Can You Ever Forgive Me), Olivia Coleman (#96 for The Favourite), and Viola Davis (#95 for Widows). It’s kind of crazy that the Tea & Crumpets Oscars only has one British person nominated in this category. Maybe they have an exchange program with the Fully Loaded Fries Oscars, since we always seem to nominate entire villages full of British actors for our little award show comes up.
Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!