It’s not that the Grammys are for your parents, the Grammys are your parents. Old, strict, self-serious, adore Adele, and are prone to making arbitrary decisions like letting JLo perform a Motown medley. Just ask Halsey who basically yelled at them “you’re not the boss of me” during her acceptance speech last night at the American Music Awards. The AMAs are your cool, twice-divorced aunt who taught you how to french inhale and has a lover in Madrid who she visits every Spring. As such, she’s a lot more fun. But unlike your parents who actually clothe, house, and feed your ungrateful ass, her gifts are frivolous and tacky. But fun! That dynamic was reflected in the red carpet looks from last night’s AMAs. Risks were taken. Choices were made. For example, OG fun aunt Christina Aguilera showed up looking like a goddamn snack. A saltine cracker, specifically. Which is a shame because believe me, most of the people there were already very, very thirsty.
You know when Tim Gunn used to warn Project Runway contestants about making sure their looks don’t go too costumey? It always turned out to be pretty solid advice, and contestants who didn’t heed his warnings were usually sent home. I always imagined those losing designers slipped quietly away to careers in the circus or on the drag circuit. But judging from the runway at last night’s Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, some of them went on to have lucrative careers making costumes for remakes of popular movies.
It’s been over 10 years since The Hurt Locker won the Academy Award for Best Picture. That means it’s ripe for a remake. In this version, Mustard has the nerve wracking job of diffusing Mariah Carey’s Lush bath bombs. It’s a dangerous job, but Mustard’s just the man to do it. Look, he’s on the hair brush right now, getting dispatched to his next mission. They’ve found a Bom Perignon in Mimi’s toilet!
God bless ya if you’ve been able to keep up with all the fucking Avengers running around here these days. Just looking at the poster for the upcoming Avengers: Endgame movie takes so much concentration. I keep thinking I’m supposed to eventually see a sailboat or some shit. It’s a mess, and it gives me a throbbing, Thanos’ dick-sized migraine. But the poster isn’t nearly as much of a mess as the red carpet for last night’s premiere of Avengers: Endgame: Too Many Spidermen. Not only was every Groot, Korg and Kraglin Obfonteri from the movies there, all the Marvel universe TV characters were there too. It must have been the least exclusive guest list to hit Hollywood since the premiere of Gotti. I mean, they even let Colin Jost in!
The American Music Awards doesn’t have the respectability of the Grammys or the pizazz of the MTV VMAs, but it’s got…well, it’s got a pointy award and people that show up, and that’s all you really need for a music award show. As such, guests still put in some effort for the red carpet. Post Malone’s hair is still a mess and he’s got those “Yes I’ve been slowly picking off my Shellac manicure” nails, but he also came through with a bedazzled belt buckle and nudie suit made by Union Western Clothing featuring his initials and several snakes. I guess he didn’t get the memo that Taylor Swift had the whole snake thing locked down last night. Oh well, it still pulled his whole look together. That is, if he was going for a look that tells people he’s a very successful businessman who sells snakes at an Alabama swap meet.
That’s not how nipple tassels work, ScarJo!
At the Hollywood premiere of Captain America: Winter Solider (“My winter soldier is saluting the Black Widow’s pregnant tits” – thousands of fanboys), ScarJo didn’t answer questions about the Dutch, Jewish, French fetus growing in the Shake N Bake bag in her body, but words are cheap when her growing chichis say everything. ScarJo is apparently 5 months along, so I’m guessing her fetus is hanging out in her tits right now and moving down south in the summer, because I look more pregnant than her right now. Yes, ScarJo’s pregnancy boobs are magnificent, but what in lace and tassel hell is she wearing?! She looks like a French widow who’s in love with her dead husband’s lawyer and so she sexed it up for the will reading. ScarJo’s wearing the losing look in a Project Runway challenge where the designers had to create a brothel madam business suit out of old French maid costumes.
I would’ve been all about this if those tassels were over her pregnancy nips and she twirled ’em throughout the night.
And if ScarJo’s misplaced nipple tassels aren’t for you, here’s also some pictures of Chris Evans’ luscious beard and Jeremy Renner looking like he feels the relief one feels after finally pooting out a stubborn doody bubble.