“But I wasn’t born last night” thought Drake’s son. Don’t worry, Drake’s son – I’m sure you’re on the list somewhere, but right now the number one spot belongs to last night’s NBA Finals win by the Toronto Raptors. And the Raptor’s biggest, loudest cheerleader lost his shit over it.
As is his wont, Drake attended game 5 of the NBA finals last night wearing what can only be described as a sexual harassment dry eraser board on his wrist. According to Page Six, Drake was seen flashing a $750,000 Richard Mille “69 Tourbillon Erotic” watch that features a “three panels capable of displaying different suggestive phrases”. Last night, Drake’s watch was set to “I’d Love to Kiss Your Pussy”. As punishment, God made the Raptors lose the game by a single point. #Godsplan
Because he is very, very wealthy, non-athletic Canadian dweeb Aubrey Graham successfully bought his way onto the court at the NBA finals, and acted a fool. Last night in Toronto, Drake’s home team, the Toronto Raptors, hosted the reigning world champions and my home team, the Golden State Warriors, in the first game of the series. But this isn’t about me and Drake repping different hoods. This is about Drake disrespecting the game with his childish antics. Also, I only knew it was the finals because I noticed a lot of people walking around in Golden State attire last night and put 2 and 2 together. 2+2 = Sportsball!
Kanye West is full of information. Not much of it is relevant or good or coherent, but he sure has got a ton of it inside of him to let out. So when he spoke with David Letterman for his new Netflix series, My Next Guest Needs No Introduction With David Letterman, he talked about everything from Trump to his Khurch to his idea about wanting a future where children can “float.” He really dives deep into the crevices of that deluded mind and unearthed plenty. Including how he is no longer allowed to talk about something. I know! Kanye West not allowed to say nonsense? He has never taken that advice before. Why now? Hmmm… maybe because it has to do with the most powerful man in Canada. No, not the Prime Minister Justin Trudeau–I’m talking about Drake.
Insanely rich rapper/owner of Toronto (he is, I live here) Drake threw up a thirst trap to his Instagram page yesterday showing off his shirtless body. Drake was obviously trying to make us drool over his hours in the gym listening to Taylor Swift music–but some claimed that his abs weren’t the result of hard work. They claimed they were the result of a plastic surgeon’s scalpel, and this isn’t the first time Drake’s been accused of getting the celebrity abs special.
You know when Tim Gunn used to warn Project Runway contestants about making sure their looks don’t go too costumey? It always turned out to be pretty solid advice, and contestants who didn’t heed his warnings were usually sent home. I always imagined those losing designers slipped quietly away to careers in the circus or on the drag circuit. But judging from the runway at last night’s Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, some of them went on to have lucrative careers making costumes for remakes of popular movies.
It’s been over 10 years since The Hurt Locker won the Academy Award for Best Picture. That means it’s ripe for a remake. In this version, Mustard has the nerve wracking job of diffusing Mariah Carey’s Lush bath bombs. It’s a dangerous job, but Mustard’s just the man to do it. Look, he’s on the hair brush right now, getting dispatched to his next mission. They’ve found a Bom Perignon in Mimi’s toilet!