A lot has changed in the 13 years since Avatar debuted in theaters and we all learned the true meaning of CINEMA. A week prior to that historic occasion, we thought Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel was the apex of man’s achievements in motion pictures. How wrong we were. It’s almost embarrassing how simple and easily entertained we were. Those little neutered chipmunk nubbins, mere gestures towards anatomic verisimilitude, were laughably rudimentary compared to the virile, lashing appendages of the Na’vi and we, as a culture, have been horny for tails ever since. And now, after more than a decade of looking at our pets in a way that makes us a little bit uncomfortable, the first full trailer for Avatar: The Way of Water is here to remind us of that indescribable feeling we get when the lights begin to dim, and we masturbate to something we’ve never masturbated to before. Somehow, nut ache feels good in a place like this.
Billy Eichner may have seen this news and relaxed after calling out the Straights™ for not buying tickets to his gay romantic comedy Bros, which bombed at the box office. Because well, David O’Russell‘s Amsterdam bombed hard too. The star-studded film had a production budget of $80 million but only made $6.5 million at this past weekend’s box office. It did worse in theatres than Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile.
What if I told you there was a sequel to Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar on the way? I think you’d be pretty stoked, I know I would be. But what if I then told you it was directed by James Cameron and that Jamie Dornan is not in it, as far as we can tell? Perhaps your enthusiasm might begin to wane, as mine did while realizing that I was actually watching a teaser trailer for Avatar: The Way of Water, and not Barb and Star 2: Barb and Star Raid Davy Jones Locker. Variety reports that after 13 years, we finally get a glimpse of what James has been doing all this time, and apparently, he’s been trying to clear the licenses for Lisa Frank’s aquatic series of stickers to complete his vision.
Nobody is immune from the mistakes of their past during this time of racial reckoning, not even Zoë Saldana who, according to People, is “Afro-Latinx of Dominican, Haitian and Puerto Rican descent,” and had YEARS to change her mind about going full Robert Downey Jr. to play Nina Simone, one of the most iconic women of all time. I mean, her first clue that it was a terrible idea should have been 40+ years of looking at herself in the mirror. The second clue should have been that the movie, simply called Nina, was written and directed by a white woman, Cynthia Mort whose only notable credit to date had been as a writer on Roseanne. At the very least, Zoë should have known it was a mistake when the makeup department came at her with an industrial glue gun and one of the airbrushes they use to paint houses. Still, Zoë enthusiastically signed on to the project back in 2012, deflecting criticism for the decision saying “Let me tell you, if Elizabeth Taylor can be Cleopatra, I can be Nina — I’m sorry.” Well, now she’s actually sorry.
God bless ya if you’ve been able to keep up with all the fucking Avengers running around here these days. Just looking at the poster for the upcoming Avengers: Endgame movie takes so much concentration. I keep thinking I’m supposed to eventually see a sailboat or some shit. It’s a mess, and it gives me a throbbing, Thanos’ dick-sized migraine. But the poster isn’t nearly as much of a mess as the red carpet for last night’s premiere of Avengers: Endgame: Too Many Spidermen. Not only was every Groot, Korg and Kraglin Obfonteri from the movies there, all the Marvel universe TV characters were there too. It must have been the least exclusive guest list to hit Hollywood since the premiere of Gotti. I mean, they even let Colin Jost in!
So you’ve got a movie coming out. Time to pick out an outfit for the premiere, get a pedicure, and ruffle the feathers of a marginalized community. Now, I hear you, “but I AM part of a marginalized community”. Well boo fucking hoo, it doesn’t matter! Now go get yourself dragged up and down Twitter! Gina Rodriguez is the latest celebrity to find herself on the back foot after being accused of having a history of espousing anti-black sentiment. And when she finally took steps to address the backlash head-on, many people felt she gave a masterclass on Performative Tears For The Stage And Screen.