God bless ya if you’ve been able to keep up with all the fucking Avengers running around here these days. Just looking at the poster for the upcoming Avengers: Endgame movie takes so much concentration. I keep thinking I’m supposed to eventually see a sailboat or some shit. It’s a mess, and it gives me a throbbing, Thanos’ dick-sized migraine. But the poster isn’t nearly as much of a mess as the red carpet for last night’s premiere of Avengers: Endgame: Too Many Spidermen. Not only was every Groot, Korg and Kraglin Obfonteri from the movies there, all the Marvel universe TV characters were there too. It must have been the least exclusive guest list to hit Hollywood since the premiere of Gotti. I mean, they even let Colin Jost in!
Colin’s date, Scarlett Johansson, showed off a sizable black and grey, rose back tattoo with a little sleeping lamb on her shoulder. According to The Daily Mail, this is her fifth tattoo, the others being “two circles on her ankle, a sunrise on her arm, a bracelet on her wrist, and a Lucky One stamp on her ribs”. Safe to say, she’s got the same taste in body art as she does in men. Mmmmmm, oatmeal.
Speaking of soggy oats, last night Hollywood’s blandest born-again virgin Chris Pratt and his fiancé Katherine Schwarzenegger made their red carpet debut. Suddenly, Scarlet and Colin are looking positively pumpkin spicy!
Also there was Gwyneth Paltrow who was apparently caught by surprise when her limo arrived and she had to run out so fast she neglected to put pants on. It’s like if Winnie The Pooh worked as a bank teller in Milan. Gwyneth needn’t have taken the Working Girl credo “I’ve got a head for business, and a bod for sin” so literally. Maybe she should loosen that cravat and get some blood flow going to improve her executive functions.
Here’s what is probably only a small fraction of the entire MCU at last night’s Endgame premiere. I think we need to seriously consider coining a collective noun for Hemsworths at this point because there were so many of them there. A hecka of Helmsworths perhaps?