Category: Kumail Nanjiani

Marvel Cinematic Universe Shit: Angelina Jolie Is An “Eternal,” Natalie Portman Is The New Thor

July 21, 2019 / Posted by:

Never mind earthquakes. California was nearly taken out yesterday by the tsunami of fanboy drool created by Marvel Studios announcing all of their upcoming movie and TV offerings at San Diego Comic-Con. Angelina Jolie sashayed out to get that Marvel money and officially joined the cast of The Eternals. Natalie Portman deigned to make an appearance to announce that she’s going to be the new female Thor. Marvel also exhibited their absolute fearlessness when they revealed that they’ve recast Blade with Oscar winner Mahershala Ali. Their security must be aces because Noxeema Jackson is going to show up with an uzi when she hears that she’s not getting any cash from Marvel anytime soon with which to pay off her outstanding IRS tab.

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Keanu Reeves Is In Talks To Join “The Eternals” Opposite Angelina Jolie

June 3, 2019 / Posted by:

Most people agree that Keanu Reeves is pretty much the best. He’s kind, humble, and reportedly, immortal. So far, there’s been no dark force in all the universe that’s been able to tarnish people’s love for him. Until now. Fansided reports that Keanu is in talks to take a role in the upcoming Marvel film The Eternals, which as we know, features Angelina Jolie. I’ve said it before and I still believe it to be a real possibility: The most Angelina thing to do now that’s she’s a single woman, would be to have a torrid affair with a coworker. Previously I worried that married man Kumail Nanjiani might become her unwitting prey. But now I’m more worried about Keanu. Even though he’s single, his status as World’s Most Beloved Unproblematic Fave, might make him just the big game Angelina needs to achieve her diabolical second act. Beware The (Home) Reckoning!

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The Fine Line Between Fashion And Costume Was Stepped Over At The Billboard Music Awards

May 2, 2019 / Posted by:

You know when Tim Gunn used to warn Project Runway contestants about making sure their looks don’t go too costumey? It always turned out to be pretty solid advice, and contestants who didn’t heed his warnings were usually sent home. I always imagined those losing designers slipped quietly away to careers in the circus or on the drag circuit. But judging from the runway at last night’s Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, some of them went on to have lucrative careers making costumes for remakes of popular movies.

It’s been over 10 years since The Hurt Locker won the Academy Award for Best Picture. That means it’s ripe for a remake. In this version, Mustard has the nerve wracking job of diffusing Mariah Carey’s Lush bath bombs. It’s a dangerous job, but Mustard’s just the man to do it. Look, he’s on the hair brush right now, getting dispatched to his next mission. They’ve found a Bom Perignon in Mimi’s toilet!

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Kumail Nanjiani Might Star Alongside Angelina Jolie In Marvel’s “The Eternals”

April 6, 2019 / Posted by:

Silicon Valley star and anthropologist specializing in gaping assholes (Exhibit A and Exhibit B) Kumail Nanjiani is in talks to join the cast of Marvel Studios’ The Eternals, according to The Hollywood Reporter. The Eternals are kind of lower-tier Marvel Comics characters but every one of their properties is probably going to get a flick eventually, right? Before you know it, the Fantastic Four’s mailman will have a film trilogy and the shit will still make bank. (Personally, I’m hoping for an eventual Iceman/Northstar team-up with plenty of sex scenes now that Disney owns The X-Men. Make that happen, Marvel. Representation – with plenty of sex scenes – is important.)

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Now For The Drama, Glamour, And WTF-ery Of The Oscars Red Carpet

March 5, 2018 / Posted by:

Note that I left out the word “mess,” as there’s no question that the messiest part of the red carpet was most likely the three square feet of space occupied by Ryan Seacrest.

If there was an award for red carpet fashion that makes you question a stylist’s sanity, Nicole Kidman would be that category’s Meryl Streep. Nicole arrived in an Armani Prive gown that does double duty. From the waist-up she’s very mascot of a sexy frozen fish company, and from the waist down I’m getting a reminder to please separate my  plastic recyclables from my paper.

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Open Post: Hosted By The “Black Panther” Purple Carpet Premiere

January 30, 2018 / Posted by:

If you’re sick and tired of hearing the overused screams of “YASSSSS QUEEN” then do yourself a favor and skip this post because the the purple carpet at the Black Panther premiere last night was shouting it from the mountain top! Every little phrase we’ve stolen from drag culture is appropriate here. I am gagged and my wig is snatched. Yes, they all did jump from there.

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