The American Music Awards doesn’t have the respectability of the Grammys or the pizazz of the MTV VMAs, but it’s got…well, it’s got a pointy award and people that show up, and that’s all you really need for a music award show. As such, guests still put in some effort for the red carpet. Post Malone’s hair is still a mess and he’s got those “Yes I’ve been slowly picking off my Shellac manicure” nails, but he also came through with a bedazzled belt buckle and nudie suit made by Union Western Clothing featuring his initials and several snakes. I guess he didn’t get the memo that Taylor Swift had the whole snake thing locked down last night. Oh well, it still pulled his whole look together. That is, if he was going for a look that tells people he’s a very successful businessman who sells snakes at an Alabama swap meet.
While Ryan Atwood from The O.C. is getting ready to become a daddy for the first time, Seth Cohen became a daddy for the first time. Wasn’t it Alexander Graham Bell who once said, “When one O.C. baby is born, another O.C. baby is conceived.”
When Leighton Meester and Adam Brody got married, they did it on the shush. When Leighton Meester and Adam Brody made a baby, they also kept it quiet. So of course, after she gave birth, they didn’t do cartwheels down the ho stroll in front of the paps while screaming about how they’re parents now. They also kept it quiet. Leighton birthed out a daughter on August 4th in Whittier, CA (SHOUT OUT TO WHITTIER!). Leighton and Adam probably chose Whittier, because they figured that nobody there would give a shit and the highly important news wouldn’t get out. The news didn’t get out until today.
Leighton and Adam should really consult for the FBI and the CIA, because I’m sure the paps are following them at all times and yet they still managed to marry in secret, make a baby in secret and birth out a baby in secret. I don’t know how they did it!
As for what they named their daughter, TMZ got a hold of the birth certificate and they named her:
Arlo Day Brody
Well, it could’ve been worse. At least that kid’s name isn’t Jagger Snow. But you know, I actually kind of like the name Arlo Day. It sounds like the name of a hippie whose real name is something normal like “Brandon Smith,” but while high on LSD at Burning Man one day, he looked up at the sun and the sun opened its sun mouth and told him that his spiritual name is “Arlo Day.” What I’m trying to say is that Leighton and Adam were probably stoned into another dimension when they came up with that name. Either that or they’re Arlo Guthrie fans. But then again, you can’t be an Arlo Gurthrie fan without being a stoner. The two go hand-in-hand.
I’m sure as soon as she heard the news, Blake Lively started packing up a hand-woven basket full of James Reynolds’ old heirloom Chantilly lace fainting bonnets and sent it over to her former Gossip Girl co-star with a note that said “Ah do declare! It appears you’ve come down with a case of the tummy vapors!”
According to UsWeekly, Leighton Meester (aka Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl) is knocked up, and has been for a while. And that’s all they’ve got! No picture of Leighton’s hands making the shape of a heart over her stomach, no mention of the moon and whether or not they’re over it. Nothing! Neither Leighton nor Adam Brody (aka Seth Cohen from The O.C.) have said anything about the fetus growing inside her and I doubt they ever will. When Leighton and Adam got married a little over a year ago, they kept that shit a secret until someone spilled the beans, so that might happen with their baby too. It’s like they always say: first comes rarely-papped love, then comes a secret marriage, then comes…actually, I’m not sure what comes next. I’m only really familiar with desperate-for-attention types who run to the press as soon as the first molecule of piss hits the stick.
All I can hope is that if Leighton and Adam have a girl, they pay tribute to the most underrated character from Happy Gilmore by naming her Meester Meester.
Remember what I said before about her being pregnant for a while? If you want to see what Leighton looks like when she’s trying to hide her recently knocked-up parts with layers of clothing, here she is at a concert back in March doing what appears to be just that:
If you have to suffer through the nastiest and grossest day of the week MONDAY, you might as well do it while staring pictures of the come-to-life Superman action figure Matt Bomer making b-holes howl and pussies slobber while working a tux at the Tonys last night. The real-life Steven Wakefield graduated from Carnegie Mellon and he was at the Tonys to present Carnegie Mellon with something and I didn’t really pay attention, because I was too busy asking myself, “For why is Matt Boner wearing so many clothes? Couldn’t he have paid tribute to Hair instead?!”
Either Matt Boner’s makeup artist forgot to powder his beauty or in NYC it’s more humid than Tyler Perry’s bussy when he flips through the Spirit of Black Men calendar on his office wall. Because Matt Boner is looked lubed-up in the face. I bet the most overheard line at the Tonys last night was, “Matt, you’re looking a little greasy, do you want me to lick that up for you?”
Here’s more of Matt Boner in a tux and pictures of other hos at the Tonys including Fran Drescher giving you Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie’s mom, Maggie Gyllenhaal looking like a disemboweled down comforter and Thalia wearing a shitting prom dress from the late 80s.
Of Mice And Men starring STUNT QUEEN and douche of all trades James Franco opened on Broadway last night and this morning, in the same Instagram breath, he posted a link to the thumbs up review from Variety and then slapped at theater critic Ben Brantley of The New York Times for panning the show. The scattered hairs on James’ b-hole nearly burned off when he channeled the asshole spirits of Kanye West and Alec Baldwin to punch out this little love note to Ben Brantley (which he later deleted). via @rilaws (via Vulture)
How rude and mean! If I was Ben Brantley, I would be highly offended. I mean, a “little bitch“? Who wants to be a “little bitch.” Everyone should strive to be a mega bitch at least. Ben Brantley needs to step up his bitchiness so no asshole ever calls him a “little bitch” again.
Ben’s review of James’ performance wasn’t even that bad. It’s not like he said that James is as bad at theater acting as he is at trying to pick up barely legal ass on Instagram. Early in the review, Ben said James has a “brooding beautiful” face and you’d think that’d make his ego cum, but he was stuck on this instead:
Though he sports a Yosemite Sam accent, Mr. Franco is often understated to the point of near invisibility. It’s a tight, internal performance begging for a camera’s close-up. And only in the play’s second scene — in a bunkhouse, where Lennie retells George about the dream farm they’ll someday own together — did I sense a warming current of affection between the characters.
“It’s a tight, internal performance begging for a camera’s close-up….” When James Franco does gay porn, which he will in the name of HIGH ART, a porn reviewer will say the exact same thing about his asshole.
The best part of Ben’s review is this:
Though Mr. Franco musters a single, perfect tear for the play’s tragic climax, I only came close to shedding one. That was in the first act, when a dog (a real one) is led offstage to be shot because it stinks. That dog seemed to have true fear and bewilderment in its eyes. It felt, well, human, in a way none of the people did, and my heart sank when I knew it wouldn’t be coming back.
AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! The dog got a better review than James Franco. I almost want to fly to NYC just to see this, because I’m sure I would get high off of the smoke coming out of James’ ears when during curtain call, the crowd stands up and throws bouquets of milk bones at the dog.
Here’s James Franco, Chris O’Dowd and Blair Waldorf at the Of Mice And Men after-party and they really kept themselves together as the photographers screamed, “But where’s THE DOG?!”
Only three months after announcing their engagement, Us Weekly is reporting that Leighton Meester from Gossip Girl and Adam Brody from The OC (look, until you guys do something else, I’m going to have to keep introducing you by your CW shows) have gone ahead and made shit legal with a “super secret wedding” (Us Weekly’s words and not mine, because I’m not a sentient Girl Talk board game). No other details have been released, so for now we’ll just have to picture Leighton and Adam tip-toeing around with their fingers to their lips going “Sshhhh! It’s not just a secret, it’s a super secret!” before receiving a cease-and-desist letter from Shh…It’s A Wig with a note saying: “STEP OFF TRICK! Shushing people is OUR thing.”
So congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Meester-Brody, a couple that sounds like a Spanish lady formally addressing someone named Brody. May you be blessed with children you name Excuseme and Pardonme (or at least do the internet a solid and rename your dogs).
(Pic: Flame Flynet)