Shailene Woodley was supposed to be doing a press tour for her latest movie, the partially improvised Endings, Beginnings, but then a weird thing happened where nobody’s allowed to go outside anymore or something? I don’t know, I keep seeing commercials about it. Anyway, apparently it’s a whole thing. So in lieu of a press tour, Shailene did an interview from her house for The New York Times. In the interview Shailene talked about self-isolation, indicated that she’s no longer with Fijian rugby star Ben Vevolva, talked about having been in an open relationship before (and an abusive one), and said that she doesn’t require an intimacy coordinator when it comes to pretend fucking, thank you very much. And who could blame her? Somehow, the person who should be the second hottest kombucha jerk at the Santa Cruz Natural Food Co-Op (sorry, Shailene, Rainbow Electric’s braless perfect C cups are just a little bit perkier), is starring in a movie where she gets to rub her sun-baked muff all over Jamie Dornan and Sebastian Stan. Jennifer Lawrence, look at your life choices. If you had just stopped shaving your armpits, this could have been you!
Jake Gyllenhaal celebrated the opening night of his Broadway play Sea Wall/A Life. According to The New York Times, Sea Wall/A Life is actually a double bill of two separate monologues with Jake tackling the latter, jerking tears and jolting funny bones recounting the birth of a daughter and the death of a father. He probably jerked a few tears from his fans in another way too, by inviting his girlfriend to his opening. Page Six says that “things are heating up” between 38-year-old Jake and 23-year-old French model Jeanne Cadieu. If you’re disappointed in Jake for making basic ass dating choices remember, a French 23 is more like an American 39, so he’s actually dating an older woman!
Never mind earthquakes. California was nearly taken out yesterday by the tsunami of fanboy drool created by Marvel Studios announcing all of their upcoming movie and TV offerings at San Diego Comic-Con. Angelina Jolie sashayed out to get that Marvel money and officially joined the cast of The Eternals. Natalie Portman deigned to make an appearance to announce that she’s going to be the new female Thor. Marvel also exhibited their absolute fearlessness when they revealed that they’ve recast Blade with Oscar winner Mahershala Ali. Their security must be aces because Noxeema Jackson is going to show up with an uzi when she hears that she’s not getting any cash from Marvel anytime soon with which to pay off her outstanding IRS tab.
Gwyneth Paltrow is truly spectacular. Thanks to Goop she’s going to live forever and has spoken to the gods and the stars and opened her third, fourth, fifth and sixth eyes–she’s truly legendary both in physical and mental fitness and extreme wealth. So it’s strange, it seems, that her memory seems to not be the sharpest. Or maybe it’s just she’s SO FULL of wisdom that she has to keep her mind open for important facts like: “creativity with your hands is like channeling God,” and not the names of people she’s met and worked with in the past.
That has to be the case, because it seems that Gwyneth has forgotten her Avengers: Endgame co-star and fellow Marvel person, Sebastian Stan, not for the first time, or the second–she’s forgotten him a third time.
God bless ya if you’ve been able to keep up with all the fucking Avengers running around here these days. Just looking at the poster for the upcoming Avengers: Endgame movie takes so much concentration. I keep thinking I’m supposed to eventually see a sailboat or some shit. It’s a mess, and it gives me a throbbing, Thanos’ dick-sized migraine. But the poster isn’t nearly as much of a mess as the red carpet for last night’s premiere of Avengers: Endgame: Too Many Spidermen. Not only was every Groot, Korg and Kraglin Obfonteri from the movies there, all the Marvel universe TV characters were there too. It must have been the least exclusive guest list to hit Hollywood since the premiere of Gotti. I mean, they even let Colin Jost in!
As hard as it is to fathom, we’re approaching two years since our eyes were served a heaping pile of “DA FUQQQQQQQ?” when Tom Hiddleston popped up to Rhode Island’s top event of the year (Taylor Swift’s not-so-annual 4thof July party, duh) wearing a “I Heart T.S.” tank top. It sounds like Bucky Barnes was worried, y’all! Continue reading