There’s been a lot of surprise Marvel-meat popping up on our screens over the weekend. According to Entertainment Tonight Canada, Captain America’s rogue hog has been challenged by self-proclaimed “rogue horse,” Thor. Chris Hemsworth recently made a surprise appearance on the Australian news program Weekend Today and read the weather report while standing in a field of horses. However, compared to Chris Evans’ recent Instagram surprise appearance, Thor’s performance was dry and mild, but did trigger a high-pressure system in some people’s pants.
In 2015, Elsa Pataky moved to the Land Down Under for her jacked Aussie husband of ten years, Chris Hemsworth. But Thor wasn’t there to help when 44-year-old Elsa’s car got stuck in a flood near their home in Byron Bay, New South Wales. The area was “recently pummelled with two days of rain”. Elsa tried driving across a watery part of the road, but got stuck, and took to Instagram Stories to document her escape.
When I first read the headlines, I thought, “INSTAGRAM STORIES?! In an emergency?! Why, I never! Celebrities today!” But when you watch the footage, it actually isn’t as near-death as it sounds.
Another day, another Marvel superhero movie to report about. But unlike the others, this future cinematic staple has actually done a marvelous bit of casting. Turns out, Oscar-winning thespian Christian Bale had originally shown interest in joining the Marvel universe in order to land the role he was born to play: a supervillain. And one of his soon-to-be co-stars, Tessa Thompson, has confirmed to Entertainment Tonight that his messy ass is now attached.
After the raging success of Thor: Ragnarok, where Chris Hemsworth stands around looking all hunky and scruffy and shit, the plan was set to develop another totally necessary sequel. Enter Christian.
As if we needed yet another reason to be irritated with Miley Cyrus, she made Lindsay Lohan think she had a shot at banging a Hemsworth! No Lohanaissance is complete without a knight in shining armor, and according to People, Lindsay lamented in an Instagram comment that the brothers Hemsworth never got the chance to vie for her attention. Chris and Liam Hemsworth, Miley’s ex, have been enjoying some family time in Australia, and presumably trying to hide from the crazy. But the crazy done found them anyway!
Never mind earthquakes. California was nearly taken out yesterday by the tsunami of fanboy drool created by Marvel Studios announcing all of their upcoming movie and TV offerings at San Diego Comic-Con. Angelina Jolie sashayed out to get that Marvel money and officially joined the cast of The Eternals. Natalie Portman deigned to make an appearance to announce that she’s going to be the new female Thor. Marvel also exhibited their absolute fearlessness when they revealed that they’ve recast Blade with Oscar winner Mahershala Ali. Their security must be aces because Noxeema Jackson is going to show up with an uzi when she hears that she’s not getting any cash from Marvel anytime soon with which to pay off her outstanding IRS tab.
God bless ya if you’ve been able to keep up with all the fucking Avengers running around here these days. Just looking at the poster for the upcoming Avengers: Endgame movie takes so much concentration. I keep thinking I’m supposed to eventually see a sailboat or some shit. It’s a mess, and it gives me a throbbing, Thanos’ dick-sized migraine. But the poster isn’t nearly as much of a mess as the red carpet for last night’s premiere of Avengers: Endgame: Too Many Spidermen. Not only was every Groot, Korg and Kraglin Obfonteri from the movies there, all the Marvel universe TV characters were there too. It must have been the least exclusive guest list to hit Hollywood since the premiere of Gotti. I mean, they even let Colin Jost in!