This would be an entirely different story if the five guys in question were the five guys of Five Guys, which is where my mind went first because hamburgers. But we don’t have names. All Cosmopolitan was able to get out of Mariah for their August issue is a number, and Mariah’s declaration that she’s a “prude” when it comes to sex.
Another year, another viral internet “challenge” has been ruined by Justin Bieber. Over the past few years, Justin’s participated in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge (after it had already been won by Phoebe Price), the Mannequin Challenge (after Boston the Boxer had already shut down the competition), the In My feelings Challenge (already won by a hot doc), and least successfully, the Comport Yourself Like You Have A Lick Of Sense challenge. In each of those instances, Justin’s been too late. It’s as if every viral challenge is instantly rendered lame the moment Justin’s assistant types “#…” on his Instagram post. Now he’s done the Bottle Cap Challenge, which was started by started by Kazakh taekwondo champion Farabi Davletchin, and popularized by Jason Statham and our former HSOTD, the chancla ninja. The Challenge as you know: Unscrew the lid off a bottle with a roundhouse kick. The Challenge Killer: Justin’s shirtless torso and under-drawers waistband talking about kicking Tom Cruise’s head in. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a loser. #GameOver
We’ve all made the mistake of hearing a Mariah Carey song and thinking, “Is that actually Mariah Carey or is it two-time Nobel Peace Prize recipient Marie Curie?” Marie Curie is the physicist best known for discovering radioactive elements polonium and radium and being the only person to win a Nobel Peace Prize in two different categories. Mariah Carey is the pop star diva who loves rainbows, her lambs and doesn’t know who Jennifer Lopez is. Some might think it’s hard to mistake these two glamorous divas, but a bakery in England did just that.
You know when Tim Gunn used to warn Project Runway contestants about making sure their looks don’t go too costumey? It always turned out to be pretty solid advice, and contestants who didn’t heed his warnings were usually sent home. I always imagined those losing designers slipped quietly away to careers in the circus or on the drag circuit. But judging from the runway at last night’s Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, some of them went on to have lucrative careers making costumes for remakes of popular movies.
It’s been over 10 years since The Hurt Locker won the Academy Award for Best Picture. That means it’s ripe for a remake. In this version, Mustard has the nerve wracking job of diffusing Mariah Carey’s Lush bath bombs. It’s a dangerous job, but Mustard’s just the man to do it. Look, he’s on the hair brush right now, getting dispatched to his next mission. They’ve found a Bom Perignon in Mimi’s toilet!
I always knew it must be nice to live in the fantasy land where Mariah Carey’s brain skips, and now we know that it is planted firmly in 2010 when One Direction was getting plucked into fame on The X Factor. Andrew Taggart and Alex Pall, known by me as straight douchebags and known by most people as The Chainsmokers, were on a radio interview the other day. Alex mentioned how they met Mariah one time, only Mariah – presumably not hearing those two have British accents – thought they were a British boy band. Continue reading
Social media’s “I’m attention-starved and need gratification!” moment du jour is the 10-year challenge. It’s why your news feed is clogged with split-screen photos of people you went to high school with bragging about how great their moisturizer routine is by showing a self-photo from 2009 and one from 2019. Only, the 2009 one looks like Kendall Jenner’s Proactiv ad, and the 2019 one looks like Yoda. Someone whose 10-year challenge is not here for any wrinkling is Mariah Carey, dahhhling. She posted her own, uh, attempt at it, and it seems like we’re going to have to go find old episodes of TRL on YouTube if we want to see 2009 Mariah.