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Open Post: Hosted By “Batuka”, Madonna’s Latest Madame X Video

July 19, 2019 / Posted by:

Even though Big Little Lies probably won’t be getting a third season (thank God), somebody forgot to tell Madonna. Maybe she gets really crappy cell reception in Portugal because she clearly did not get the memo. Madonna wasted hours and hours of her precious time making an audition reel for season 3 in which she heads out to the beach wearing a severe bang. Not only that, Madonna, I’m sorry, Madame X, who is practically a black woman herself, is joined by a group of “Black women from the island of Cape Verde, a former Portuguese colony with a central role in the slave trade” (via Refinery29), increasing the black population of Montery from 2 (Zoë Kravitz and her witchy mom), to dozens. Meryl Streep could never.

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Eddie Murphy Says He’s Thinking About Making A Stand-Up Comedy Comeback

July 19, 2019 / Posted by:

Eddie Murphy’s got so many damn mouths to feed it’s no wonder he’s thinking about coming out of semi-retirement and treading the boards once again as a stand-up comedian. Eddie appeared in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee with his friend Jerry Seinfeld and revealed that he’s planning on getting back to stand-up soon. I guess doing indie films like 2016’s perplexing Mr. Church (his last theatrical release, seen by upwards of 12 people) only earned him enough money to send all his eleventy million kids to a decent State school.

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“Spider-Man” Tom Holland Has A Girlfriend

July 19, 2019 / Posted by:

We may never know if Tom Holland and Zendaya were ever really a thing, or it was all a PR stunt. Whatever it was, it’s over, and Tom is now shooting his spider-goo all over somebody’s else’s chest. Tom’s got himself an extra regular girlfriend named Olivia Bolton who’s been friends with his family “for years”. Now, I’m not saying there’s anything contractual about this union, but I am saying this romance seems about as organic as that Flaming Hot Cheetos sandwich from KFC.

According to The Sun, “Tom’s been dogged with rumours about who he’s dating so finally being public with Olivia has been a massive relief for him”, a perfectly normal reason for a 23-year-old burgeoning mega-star to date someone who looks like she could be his sister. Maybe Zendaya, the Little Disney Kid Who Could (Do Coke On TV), was a little too spicy/Mechee for Tom/his publicist.

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Here’s The Teaser Trailer For “Top Gun: Maverick” For Those With A Need For Speed

July 18, 2019 / Posted by:

Even though it’s not going to be released for another year, a teaser trailer for Top Gun 2: Bottoms Up has landed. If I didn’t know any better I’d say they just cobbled together scenes from the original movie and slapped that old age filter over Tom Cruise’s face, because there is absolutely nothing new to see here. But the fleeting glance of Jon Hamm STRIDING WITH PURPOSE tells me they actually filmed some new scenes. But the rest is all been there, done that, got the soundtrack to prove it (seriously, it’s one of the best motion picture soundtracks of the 80s). Shirtless beach volleyball scene: Check. Tommy racing the wind on his motorcycle: Check. Drunken group singing: Check. Pointless insubordination: Check, check, and check.

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The “Game Of Thrones” Showrunners Suddenly Dropped Out Of A Comic-Con Panel

July 18, 2019 / Posted by:

Showrunners run, that’s what they’re supposed to do. And David Benioff and Dan Weiss of Game Of Thrones infamy are doing just that; running away as fast as they can. D&D were scheduled to appear on a panel at Comic-Con tomorrow, but HBO just released the final lineup and their names are missing. These two gingerbread men are not trying to get caught out here with their smallclothes down around their ankles in front of a mob of angry nerds. Not today, R’hllor!

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Kim Kardashian Is Using Her White House Connections To Help Free A$AP Rocky From Swedish Jail

July 18, 2019 / Posted by:

Kendall Jenner’s one time special friend, A$AP Rocky, is still wasting away in a Swedish jail two weeks after getting arrested for aggravated assault. We should have known it wouldn’t be too long before The Moses of Calabasas, Kim Kardashian, would use her connections to The White House to intervene on his behalf. According to TMZ, Kanye West urged Kim to contact her good friend Jared Kushner who in turn alerted the President Of The United States about Rocky’s situation. Upon learning of Rocky’s plight (and probably after checking to see if he’d ever publicly criticized him), Donald Trump reportedly acknowledged that “something seemed amiss”. Considering Rocky’s own lawyer disputed that he was being held in inhumane conditions, some might say all of this is overkill. But Rocky is reportedly being held without a television! UPDATE: He probably does have a TV.

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