I hate reporting bad news. I really do. I know sometimes it may seem like I take joy in the suffering of others, but only when they deserve it. I am not a monster. And when the suffering is my own, or that of you, gentle reader, it causes me great pain and emotional distress. Earlier this year, and the three years preceding, I reported on the development of Top Gun 2: Maverick, a movie I was sure would be a flop. Reader— it was no flop. Top Gun 2: OT8 And Lovin’ It went on to become the 5th highest-grossing movie of all time, netting its star, Tom Cruise, more than $100 million earth credits to spend at any Scientology center of his choosing. And so I come now to you, humbled and dispirited, to report that James Cameron’s entry into the pantheon of Sequels to Movies Old Enough to Vote (in middle school elections in this case), Avatar: The Way of Water, is being heralded as “moviemaking & storytelling at its absolute finest,” and Guillermo del Toro has called James a “master at the peak of his power.”
Not really sure why, but 2022 has marked the return of the Revenge Dress, whatever that is. At least it’s a less gruesome resurgence than the Revenge Body Khloe Kardashian tried to bring back post-Tristan Thompson, whatever that means. But there is a time and a place for a Revenge Dress and apologies to Olivia Wilde, but it is not the People’s Choice Awards, whatever those are. However, according to E! News, Olivia channeled Princess Diana last night by having “her very own revenge dress movement” when she stepped out on the red carpet with her nipples showing for her
first second red carpet appearance since breaking up with Prince Harry (Styles) three years weeks ago. Now don’t get me wrong, showing your nipples is a great way to get revenge, but the PCAs? Against Him? Honey, no. Generally speaking, that angry bearded man with the gloves in that GIF is always right, but in this case, I’m gonna have to disagree and say that, at the People’s Choice Awards, for once, the rent is too damn low!
Professional Troll Milo Yiannopoulous Reportedly Invoiced Kanye West For $116,000 After Getting Fired From His Presidential Campaign
2024 Presidential hopeful Kanye West may be mentally unhinged, but that never stopped the previous administration from trying to rebrand the White House as the Caucasian Home For The Criminally Insane. However, Kanye’s primary obstacle isn’t the color of his skin, rather, it’s the shallowness of his pockets and the limits of his own imagination. TMZ reports that Kanye imagined his fledgling campaign staff would work for free, however, in reality, Milo Yiannopoulous, one of Kanye’s chief leeches, has invoiced him for $116,000 after getting fired (and/or quitting, depending on who you ask) this week. And here I thought my salad days of political reporting ended in a parking lot in front of Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Suck it, boomers! There’s a new generation of charlatans, hucksters, and utterly deranged lunatics with broken brains ready to throw it all away for a shot at ruining things for the rest of us. USA! USA!
Amber Heard Has Filed An Appeal Asking For A Reversal Or A New Trial Against Johnny Depp’s Defamation Suit
Because dominating the press cycle with their marital drama from the years 2016 to present hasn’t quite been enough, both Johnny Depp and Amber Heard have now filed appeals to the Virginia court’s ruling in their most recent defamation trial, which ended with a jury siding with Johnny on all but one of Amber’s counter complaints. Earlier last month, Johnny filed to appeal the one judgment that went in Amber’s favor, and now, Amber’s filed an appeal to have the verdict overturned completely or be awarded an entirely new trial. Deadline reports that it could take years and the involvement of the Virginia Supreme Court “before this is settled, if it ever really is.” In which case, somebody might want to go nudge Helena Bonham Carter awake and offer her some extra long-acting smelling salts for when she passes right back out again after she learns her friend Johnny might not be “completely vindicated” after all.
George Clooney Was Doubly Honored At The Kennedy Center Honors When Julia Roberts Came Wearing His Face
Last night some of the biggest stars in Hollywood gathered in New York City to rub elbows with the Washington elite at the 45th annual Kennedy Center Honors. Due to the pandemic and former president Donald Trump’s boycott of the awards, this is the first big gala in five years and the stars came dressed to impress. This year’s honorees included Gladys Knight and all four of the Irish Pips, sometimes referred to as U2, Christian pop singer Amy Grant, Cuban American composer-conductor Tania León (not to be confused with Lydia Tár, totally different lady), and Nespresso dude George Clooney. There were a couple of surprises at the ceremony. For one, Sacha Baron Cohen showed up in character as Borat even though I thought we had decided as a group after 2020’s presidential election that satire was dead. Also, there was Emma Roberts’ aunt, actress Julia Roberts, who is, apparently, strangely obsessed with George Clooney.
With Nick Cannon safely in the hospital for the moment and Elon Musk otherwise occupied with preserving freedom of speech for all whitemankind, the erratic market for looming babies’ futures is at an all-time low. Or it was until Baldwin Babies Inc. CEO Hilaria Baldwin appeared on Extra to announce their 4th quarter projections, hinting at the possibility of one or more looming baby offerings in the new year. As we know, Baldwin Babies Inc. has been under SIEGE this year after CIO (Chief Insemination Officer) Alec Baldwin was involved in the accidental shooting death of cinematographer Halnya Hutchins while moonlighting as a producer/actor on the film Rust. CEO Hilaria noted in her announcement that while the BBI is “not ok,” and “can’t be ok” following the tragedy, Alec has yet to “do his part,” (*SNIP SNIP* see above) to thwart BBI’s prospects for a bountiful 2023.