Another day, another life or death battle for the very soul of America rages on. The other day Loud’nProud patriot Chris Pratt stepped out wearing a t-shirt featuring the words “Don’t Tread On Me” and a snake, which are associated with the Gadsden flag. The image was superimposed over the red, white and blue stars and stripes of the American flag. Yahoo! reported on the lewk, initially saying he was criticized for wearing a ‘white supremacist’ T-shirt’ and of course, because of #thesetryingtimes, all hell done broke loose. Yahoo! later amended the headline to read he was criticized for his “t-shirt choice”, but it was too late. Conservatives and liberals alike #TookToTwitter to express their general outrage.
Chris Pratt recently married Katherine Schwarzenegger after one year together and they honeymooned in Hawaii. They’re obviously so in love that Chris was too busy staring into her eyes to remember to have his bride slap some SPF on his back so he got burnt. The big oaf decided to show off his sunburn with a little touch of ass on Instagram. Follow the jump for those milky cheeks.
That’s probably how every publication was looking at Chris Pratt’s publicist on Saturday after they heard that he’d gotten married to his girlfriend of about a year, Katherine Schwarzenegger. Because of course we all want to see what kind of wedding they threw together in five months. But also because I don’t believe a famous couple is technically married until we see a professional photo of themselves in wedding outfits, smiling like they’re aggressively testing the limits of their Botox.
Around two years after splitting up from Anna Faris, and seven months after their divorce became a done deal, and one year after his totally not staged picnic date photo-op with Katherine Schwarzenegger, Chris Pratt has made Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s eldest child his second wife. Chris and Katherine got married after a five month engagement in Montecito, CA yesterday. Yes, married after a five month engagement. The walls of Instagram must be shaking, because I have a feeling that in about four or five months, Katherine is going to become the mommy influencer of all mommy influencers.
Somebody get Chris Pine on the phone and let him know that Harrison Ford says only Harrison Ford gets to be Indiana Jones. Then please ask Chris Pine to make a courtesy call to Chris Pratt and let him know that his services won’t be needed for any future remake, reboot or re-imagining of Indiana Jones, and that Harrison Ford has no idea who he is. Yes, I’ll wait. I’ll wait a lifetime if it means I get to see the crestfallen look on Pratt’s face when he hears the news that he’s Harrison’s “WHO?”. The One And Only full grown Indiana Jones (River Phoenix as young Indy doesn’t count because in that world, Harrison was still the definitive Indiana Jones) appeared on NBC’s Today, whipped out his dick and pissed a perimeter around himself stating unequivocally that he is, and will always be, the only Indiana Jones of record.
If, like me, you’re concerned about the diversity of Katherine Schwarzenegger‘s friend group, you can lay your troubled mind to rest. According to People, Katherine has at least one brunette friend named Oprah Winfrey, who was one of the guests at her bridal shower that was held on Saturday. It was a ladies only affair hosted by her mom Maria Shriver at her house. But Katherine’s fiancé Chris Pratt did stop by for a toast (Martinelli’s I’m guessing. If you’re going to abstain from sex until marriage, might as well abstain from anything fun at all). Now that I think about it, Oprah’s probably Maria’s friend, which means Katherine still has an opening for a brunette (or a redhead) in her squad. Serious inquiries only.