The Red Carpet Looks At The American Music Awards Were Messy But Fun

November 25, 2019 / Posted by:

It’s not that the Grammys are for your parents, the Grammys are your parents. Old, strict, self-serious, adore Adele, and are prone to making arbitrary decisions like letting JLo perform a Motown medley. Just ask Halsey who basically yelled at them “you’re not the boss of meduring her acceptance speech last night at the American Music Awards. The AMAs are your cool, twice-divorced aunt who taught you how to french inhale and has a lover in Madrid who she visits every Spring. As such, she’s a lot more fun. But unlike your parents who actually clothe, house, and feed your ungrateful ass, her gifts are frivolous and tacky. But fun! That dynamic was reflected in the red carpet looks from last night’s AMAs. Risks were taken. Choices were made. For example, OG fun aunt Christina Aguilera showed up looking like a goddamn snack. A saltine cracker, specifically. Which is a shame because believe me, most of the people there were already very, very thirsty.

Christina’s just returned from Argentina and is ready to star in a revival of Evita if only she could lift her arms above her waist. Meanwhile, fun uncle Mr. Billy Porter came through with an interpretation of bell bottoms we didn’t know we needed.

You need to see them in action to get the whole effect.

Seahorses and seersucker meets stern schoolmarm?!? His mind! The Young Pope is shook.

Then you’ve got Tyra Banks out here looking like a wayward Jackson. Tyra taught me everything I know about taking a good picture, but something has clearly gone amiss. In every picture of her on this red carpet, she’s wearing a pained expression like she got gut shot during a Zoot Suit Riot. Is Tyra Annie, because I don’t think she’s OK.

Here’s Ronald McDonald’s youngest son. But in this scenario, Ronald is Logan Roy from Succession and Patrick Schwarzenegger is Roman Roy. Roman McDonald dropped out of the corporate management training program after he got caught doing rails of french fry salt with Donald Trump Jr. at ClownCon.

Check out the many many other fun and useless souvenirs aunt AMAs brought back from her holiday in Ibiza. She may be a mess, but she always shares her good prescription meds.

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