Those Nipple Tassels Are Really Low And Too Close Together….

That’s not how nipple tassels work, ScarJo!

At the Hollywood premiere of Captain America: Winter Solider (“My winter soldier is saluting the Black Widow’s pregnant tits” – thousands of fanboys), ScarJo didn’t answer questions about the Dutch, Jewish, French fetus growing in the Shake N Bake bag in her body, but words are cheap when her growing chichis say everything. ScarJo is apparently 5 months along, so I’m guessing her fetus is hanging out in her tits right now and moving down south in the summer, because I look more pregnant than her right now. Yes, ScarJo’s pregnancy boobs are magnificent, but what in lace and tassel hell is she wearing?! She looks like a French widow who’s in love with her dead husband’s lawyer and so she sexed it up for the will reading. ScarJo’s wearing the losing look in a Project Runway challenge where the designers had to create a brothel madam business suit out of old French maid costumes.

I would’ve been all about this if those tassels were over her pregnancy nips and she twirled ’em throughout the night.

And if ScarJo’s misplaced nipple tassels aren’t for you, here’s also some pictures of Chris Evans’ luscious beard and Jeremy Renner looking like he feels the relief one feels after finally pooting out a stubborn doody bubble.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com