I know it seems apocryphal to say, given #thesetryingtimes, that earth is healing, but the signs are everywhere if you know where to look. For one, it’s raining today in Northern California. Right outside my window, I can clearly see, AND HEAR, actual precipitation falling from the sky. My feetsies are a little cold too. So when I say all is not lost, you’ve got to believe me. To wit — After a two-year pandemic hiatus, Heidi Klum’s annual Halloween extravaganza popped off in New York with Heidi doing The Worm on the red carpet. And when I say she was doing The Worm, what I really mean is she was doing The Worm That Will Haunt My Every Waking Moment.
Heidi Klum didn’t throw her big annual Halloween party this year because of, you know, coronavirus. But the Queen of Halloween didn’t let a deadly infectious disease keep her down and instead, did a 5-minute Halloween movie featuring her whole family including her kids, Leni, 16, Henry, 14, Johan, 13, and Lou, 10, and her husband, Tom Kaulitz. Heidi Klum continues to do the most for Halloween and this year, she went as Horror Movie Queen. Jamie Lee Curtis, WHO (not really)?!
Aside from being a model and TV talent show host, Heidi Klum is known for her legendary annual Halloween parties and costumes. If you ask her ex-husband Seal, he might suggest that she’s already in costume, and that she’s decided to dress up as a gender-reversed version of the husband from Not Without My Daughter. Heidi has recently filed legal documents asking permission to bring her four children Leni, 16, Henry, 14, Johan, 13, and Lou, 10, to Germany while she films Germany’s Next Top Model. Seal fought back, alleging that he doesn’t want his kids to travel to Germany, because he believes Heidi plans to keep them in Germany forever.
The undisputed queen of Halloween, Heidi Klum has had a rough few days. Apparently, she started to feel icky last week and had nobody to take to care of her (her husband, former anime character-turned-beefy-babe Tom Kaulitz has been on tour with his band, Tokio Hotel). She even had to call in sick to America’s Got Talent (a show that is definitely still hip and fresh).
It’s not that the Grammys are for your parents, the Grammys are your parents. Old, strict, self-serious, adore Adele, and are prone to making arbitrary decisions like letting JLo perform a Motown medley. Just ask Halsey who basically yelled at them “you’re not the boss of me” during her acceptance speech last night at the American Music Awards. The AMAs are your cool, twice-divorced aunt who taught you how to french inhale and has a lover in Madrid who she visits every Spring. As such, she’s a lot more fun. But unlike your parents who actually clothe, house, and feed your ungrateful ass, her gifts are frivolous and tacky. But fun! That dynamic was reflected in the red carpet looks from last night’s AMAs. Risks were taken. Choices were made. For example, OG fun aunt Christina Aguilera showed up looking like a goddamn snack. A saltine cracker, specifically. Which is a shame because believe me, most of the people there were already very, very thirsty.
There are some established, mandatory expectations when it comes to Halloween. Kids get candy. THOTs will turn anything into a slutty costume. And Heidi Klum will go so hard, you’ll forget she has any other job than Professional Halloween Person. This year, it took Heidi more than 10 hours to get ready, and she shared the whole process with a live audience in New York City.