Moon? Blue. Pigs? Flying. Hell? As frigid as a courtship date chaperoned by failed Arkansas senate hopeful Jim Bob Duggar because unredeemable son enabler Michelle Duggar just stretched the limits of her fundamentalist religion’s rule of only wearing dresses and skirts! Michelle was recently pictured wearing black leggings. Granted, she did wear a skirt over them, but it almost looked like she was only wearing pants. Don’t tempt the devil!
Did somebody say FASHUN?!? Well, say it louder next time, I don’t think the folks in the back heard you over the din of shitfaced celebrities using the Golden Globes’ phenomenal flame out last year as an excuse to load up on free champagne, talk shit, and network with fellow survivors of the Great Los Angeles Deluge of 2023. However, a few stars heard the call to bare arms (regretfully, ladies only. Where was Timothée Chalamet with his scrumptious little back meats!?) and used the opportunity to challenge their stylists to come up with a look that simultaneously screams “I’m the greatest star” and “I am being pranked by my stylist, aren’t I.” Meanwhile, the real jackasses pulling one over on these celebrities are the goon-squad of aestheticians going around convincing them to donate their precious buccal fat reserves “for charity.” Sad truth is that only a tiny portion of their donations actually make it to starving children in need. Sorry, Wednesday‘s Jenna Ortega, your generous donation is now just padding for some ghoul’s pocket. Also, I think your parachute got a little turned around. Must have been the wind.
Welp. Rihanna’s only been a billionaire for a little over a year, and she’s already turned to the dark side. I guess since Kanye West is out of the way, Rihanna decided it was her turn to court unnecessary controversy by introducing some dark-sided shit at her upcoming Savage X Fenty Vol. 4 fashion show. According to TMZ, Rihanna will counter Kanye’s White Lives Matters shirts by featuring a “wife-beater” (per The Sun, don’t look at me!), Johnny Depp, to be the very first celebrity “wife-beater” (again, this is a settled point of law, don’t @ at me either!) to “grease” her stage. Ok, “grease” was all me. This brings the total of Billionaires We Can Tolerate back down to one. So congratulations once again to Mackenzie Scott. It must be lonely at the top.
In what is clearly a plea for mercy, Kanye West has reacted to the news that Drake and Taylor Swift are about to release a diss track about him by pandering to their better natures and wearing a White Lives Matter t-shirt at his Yeezy Season 9 show in Paris yesterday. That’s my theory anyway, and I’m sticking to it until somebody can give me a better explanation as to why. Why else would he still be wearing the same flip-flops from Claire’s that he stepped out wearing in London last week if it wasn’t because he was shaking in his size-elephant boots so hard thinking about all the mean things they were gonna say about him, that he broke a toe?
You know, I almost feel sorry for the fashion industry right now, because while Paris Fashion Week is technically still ongoing, and I’m sure there were plenty of designers looking forward to sharing their work with the world, the fashion industry as we once knew it is over. Last night on the Balmain Spring 2023 runway, The City of Light was visited by a celestial being so incandescent, so luminous and so TOIT!, that every single fluorescent, Edison, halogen, LED and automotive light bulb in the city simultaneously exploded into a billion glittering particles of stardust which floated up into the cosmos to await the return of their creator who was busy taking a bow down below. If there were more fashion shows to come, they will surely be canceled now that Cher has graced our humble planet with an astral spectacle for the ages.
Victoria Beckham has taken the saying “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” to heart by introducing dresses for fatties in her fashion line. Grazia reports that Victoria is finally embracing that #HOTBUTTEREDTOAST life, if not for herself, then for her clients, declaring “women today want to look healthy, and curvy. They want to have some boobs – and a bum.” Victoria has launched a capsule collection for the ladies who actually lunch called VB Body which features what she calls the “ultimate sucky-sucky dress,” which probably made her husband David Beckham perk up for a second until he realized it doesn’t come with built-in knee pads, it’s just a bodycon dress that’s supposed to suck in all that meat you’re supposedly flaunting.