Welp. Rihanna’s only been a billionaire for a little over a year, and she’s already turned to the dark side. I guess since Kanye West is out of the way, Rihanna decided it was her turn to court unnecessary controversy by introducing some dark-sided shit at her upcoming Savage X Fenty Vol. 4 fashion show. According to TMZ, Rihanna will counter Kanye’s White Lives Matters shirts by featuring a “wife-beater” (per The Sun, don’t look at me!), Johnny Depp, to be the very first celebrity “wife-beater” (again, this is a settled point of law, don’t @ at me either!) to “grease” her stage. Ok, “grease” was all me. This brings the total of Billionaires We Can Tolerate back down to one. So congratulations once again to Mackenzie Scott. It must be lonely at the top.
In what is clearly a plea for mercy, Kanye West has reacted to the news that Drake and Taylor Swift are about to release a diss track about him by pandering to their better natures and wearing a White Lives Matter t-shirt at his Yeezy Season 9 show in Paris yesterday. That’s my theory anyway, and I’m sticking to it until somebody can give me a better explanation as to why. Why else would he still be wearing the same flip-flops from Claire’s that he stepped out wearing in London last week if it wasn’t because he was shaking in his size-elephant boots so hard thinking about all the mean things they were gonna say about him, that he broke a toe?
You know, I almost feel sorry for the fashion industry right now, because while Paris Fashion Week is technically still ongoing, and I’m sure there were plenty of designers looking forward to sharing their work with the world, the fashion industry as we once knew it is over. Last night on the Balmain Spring 2023 runway, The City of Light was visited by a celestial being so incandescent, so luminous and so TOIT!, that every single fluorescent, Edison, halogen, LED and automotive light bulb in the city simultaneously exploded into a billion glittering particles of stardust which floated up into the cosmos to await the return of their creator who was busy taking a bow down below. If there were more fashion shows to come, they will surely be canceled now that Cher has graced our humble planet with an astral spectacle for the ages.
Victoria Beckham has taken the saying “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” to heart by introducing dresses for fatties in her fashion line. Grazia reports that Victoria is finally embracing that #HOTBUTTEREDTOAST life, if not for herself, then for her clients, declaring “women today want to look healthy, and curvy. They want to have some boobs – and a bum.” Victoria has launched a capsule collection for the ladies who actually lunch called VB Body which features what she calls the “ultimate sucky-sucky dress,” which probably made her husband David Beckham perk up for a second until he realized it doesn’t come with built-in knee pads, it’s just a bodycon dress that’s supposed to suck in all that meat you’re supposedly flaunting.
In this, our year of Fuck It, red carpets are back in full swing. You probably don’t remember last year’s Screen Actors Guild Awards since they were host-less, pre-taped and the nominees who bothered to dress up, did so from their backyards, on balconies, in front of white screens or, in Jared Leto’s case, standing on a bridge in what looks like Paris clutching a jewel-encrusted clam-shell looking like Fred from The Scooby Gang’s effete cousin who stopped eating carbs and tried to cover his Midwestern accent by pretending to be “European.” But this year, since COVID is but a mere memory, SAG busted out that dusty rug, hit it with a wet vac, and rolled that red carpet out so Jared could pose for the camera looking like Doc Holiday’s effete cousin who stopped eating carbs and tried to cover his Midwestern accent by pretending to be a 19th century “gentleman huckleberry farmer.”
What a difference a year makes! Last year’s lockdown Emmy Awards were a drab affair due to them taking place in the middle of a global pandemic. As you may recall, there was no red carpet, the stars dressed up and paraded around in their backyards instead, and the awards were hand delivered by a man in a Hazmat suit who spent the evening lurking in their driveways. But this year, the glamour and glitz is back! Sure, we’re still in the middle of a global pandemic, but fuck it! We all need a little razzle dazzle in our lives, and it’s totally worth the risk with results like The Crown‘s Emma Corrin here serving Guillermo del Toro Pale Man spookiness as The Handmaiden From The Black Lagoon (by Miu Miu).