Category: Marvel

Marvel Cinematic Universe Shit: Angelina Jolie Is An “Eternal,” Natalie Portman Is The New Thor

July 21, 2019 / Posted by:

Never mind earthquakes. California was nearly taken out yesterday by the tsunami of fanboy drool created by Marvel Studios announcing all of their upcoming movie and TV offerings at San Diego Comic-Con. Angelina Jolie sashayed out to get that Marvel money and officially joined the cast of The Eternals. Natalie Portman deigned to make an appearance to announce that she’s going to be the new female Thor. Marvel also exhibited their absolute fearlessness when they revealed that they’ve recast Blade with Oscar winner Mahershala Ali. Their security must be aces because Noxeema Jackson is going to show up with an uzi when she hears that she’s not getting any cash from Marvel anytime soon with which to pay off her outstanding IRS tab.

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Robert Downey Jr. Made $75 Million For “Avengers: Endgame”

July 11, 2019 / Posted by:

Yesterday I reported on Forbes 100 Richest Bitches of 2019 list which included six actors from Marvel’s Avengers: Endgame. Even though Chris Hemsworth ranked higher on the list (#24, $76.4 M total earnings), Iron Man Robert Downey Jr. (more like Platinum Man) was the Avenger who came away with the biggest Marvel bag. RDJ ranked #31 on Forbes’ list and earned a reported $66 million in 2019. Of that sum, $55 million came from his Avenger’s backend deal which means he earned a total of $75 million for one movie. And here I thought Captain America was supposed to have the sweetest backend in the MCU!

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Gwyneth Paltrow Doesn’t Know Who Sebastian Stan Is

July 5, 2019 / Posted by:

Gwyneth Paltrow is truly spectacular. Thanks to Goop she’s going to live forever and has spoken to the gods and the stars and opened her third, fourth, fifth and sixth eyes–she’s truly legendary both in physical and mental fitness and extreme wealth. So it’s strange, it seems, that her memory seems to not be the sharpest. Or maybe it’s just she’s SO FULL of wisdom that she has to keep her mind open for important facts like: “creativity with your hands is like channeling God,” and not the names of people she’s met and worked with in the past.

That has to be the case, because it seems that Gwyneth has forgotten her Avengers: Endgame co-star and fellow Marvel person, Sebastian Stan, not for the first time, or the second–she’s forgotten him a third time.

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Anthony And Joe Russo Promise More Gays Are Coming In The Marvelverse, Some We Already Know

May 10, 2019 / Posted by:

Those Russo Brothers are really trying to come for Taron Egerton‘s newly given Hetero Ally King Of Gays-crown, because they are trying to get in with us LGBTQs good. First they put that TRAILBLAZING homosexual character in Avengers: Endgameplayed by Joe Russo himself–but now he and his brother Anthony Russo are letting us know that one of the Marvel superheroes we already know will be coming out as a huge gay “soon”. Get those rainbow cakes and angry homophobic tweets ready!

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The End (game) Is Near: Some Of The Millions Of Looks From The “Avengers: Endgame” Premiere

April 23, 2019 / Posted by:

God bless ya if you’ve been able to keep up with all the fucking Avengers running around here these days. Just looking at the poster for the upcoming Avengers: Endgame movie takes so much concentration. I keep thinking I’m supposed to eventually see a sailboat or some shit. It’s a mess, and it gives me a throbbing, Thanos’ dick-sized migraine. But the poster isn’t nearly as much of a mess as the red carpet for last night’s premiere of Avengers: Endgame: Too Many Spidermen. Not only was every Groot, Korg and Kraglin Obfonteri from the movies there, all the Marvel universe TV characters were there too. It must have been the least exclusive guest list to hit Hollywood since the premiere of Gotti. I mean, they even let Colin Jost in!

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“The Eternals” May Have A Gay Superhero Lead

April 1, 2019 / Posted by:

Angelina Jolie was just announced as possibly/probably/most likely going to be in a new Marvel comic superhero movie called The Eternals. Well, Marvel is really working overtime to get this movie on the pre-pre-pre hype train. We’re hearing even more rumors like how the male lead superhero could be a big gay. Specifically, it could be Hercules, seen above making out with an alternate-universe cowboy-style Wolverine. Gird your loins, comic book geeks: the homophobic ones among you are about to come out in full force.

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