When the stories about the gross shit that Harvey Weinstein allegedly pulled were made public, there was one that could’ve ended with Brad Pitt going to trial for murdering the throbbing hemorrhoid clinging to Hollywood’s ass tunnel. Gwyneth Paltrow told the tale of how when she was 22 (this was pre-Emma), Harvey pulled a creepy move on her and tried to get her to go into his hotel suite’s bedroom for massage time. Gwyneth refused and ran out of there quicker than she runs out of a restaurant that doesn’t have three Michelin stars. She told her then boyfriend, Brad Pitt, who got so mad that he got in Harvey’s face and didn’t care about getting the blood of a creep on his sparkling Sally Hershberger-created highlights. CNN’s Christiane Amanpour asked a current day Brad about this, and he said he was just doing what good ole’ boys from the Ozarks do.
Deadline reports that Gwyneth Paltrow can add another notch to her impeccable, likely-overpriced belt of accomplishments, because not only has she mastered menopause, invented yoga three times over, and saved vaginas everywhere from just living their lives uninterrupted by jade, she has also brought down Harvey Weinstein. But seriously, I’m only really making fun of her for the first ones, and she deserves big props for helping to bring down Harv.
The line was drawn in the sand long ago and two factions emerged. The Bloods and Crips of the lifestyle brand market–Martha Stewart really fucking hates Gwyneth Paltrow. The only thing she likes less is an anti-fur activist screaming in the halls. While on the season two premiere of Barstool Sport’s The Corp podcast, Martha ended up being asked about her long-standing competition with Gwyneth to be THEE premiere caucasian woman telling other affluent caucasian women how to live their best lives. And as expected, the hatchet has not been buried and she’s still anti-Goop.
Gwyneth Paltrow must have noticed that the energy of her home was not pretentious enough and needed something that matches her perfectly steamed vagina and coffee enema(ed) ass. So Gwyneth decided to change the energy of her house by adding more books. Sounds simple enough…. well it would be if this wasn’t Goopy we were talking about. Gwyneth went ahead and hired a PERSONAL BOOK CURATOR to expand her book collection with books that she’ll probably never read but will impress her snobby friends and will match the color of her $10,000-a-roll swan intestines wallpaper.
Last year, Ryan Murphy signed a $300 million deal with Netflix to make TV shows, and anyone who knows Ryan Murphy probably predicted that at least one of those shows would combine elements of drama, high school, murder, bitchery, an evil demon, Jessica Lange, intense Darren Criss energy, and wigs. By the looks of the first trailer for The Politician, Ryan has reserved the evil demon theme for his Ratched show, but everything else got thrown into Ryan’s Instant Success Pot.
After almost a year of being married, Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk will finally live under the same roof. What a wonderful moment for Gwyneth. She’ll no longer have to text Brad, “What’s a Sebastian Stan?” Because now she can just shout it into the living room. I’m sure Gwyneth is saving the details of their move for a four-part GOOP essay series titled Collective Existence Within the Chosen Domicile, but Brad recently talked about it to the Wall Street Journal.