The last time Gwyneth Paltrow convinced women to shove shit into their bodies, sales of Monistat 5 skyrocketed. Now, after giving the Big Yeast industry a boost, Gwyneth is getting into the injectables business. In a recent interview/infoview with Glamour, Gwyneth opened up about being the new face of Xeomin, a prescription “antiwrinkle injection targeting frown lines” whose major selling point seems to be that it’s “uniquely pure” and “super clean” when we know damn well it’s the same injectable botulinum toxin you can find in just about any cow pie or bulging can like all the rest. Between hawking the jade vagina egg and this boutique Botox bullshit, Gwyneth is unchecked bacteria’s biggest booster!
The September issue of British Vogue may feature black activists on the cover, but inside it features everyone’s favorite (insert groans here) rich white woman Gwyneth Paltrow who wrote a personal essay about that time she brought the phrase “conscious uncoupling” to the masses when she and Chris Martin broke up. Gwyneth didn’t only bring up “conscious uncoupling” once again, she also once again talked about why her marriage to Chris Martin ended after 11 years. And well, at least this time she didn’t gross some people out by referring to Chris as her brother.
A couple years ago Cameron Diaz announced that she had retired from acting. Her last gig was as Miss Hannigan in 2014’s abysmal Annie remake, a performance that caused Carol Burnett to roll over in her grave (and the woman isn’t even dead yet!). Since then, Cammie D married one of the Good Charlotte twins (allegedly Benji Madden, but who knows, her and sister-in-law Nicole Richie could be swapping on the reg), had a baby daughter, callously named her Raddix Chloe Wildflower Madden, and declared she was getting into the wellness business.
Recently 47-year-old Cameron launched a “clean”, chemical-free wine line called Avaline (um, that’s a far better name than Raddix), and went on Gwyneth Paltrow’s digital series “In Goop Health: The Sessions” to promote it. The two friends chatted about motherhood, marriage, and being a “manifester”. For all I know, they also talked about who killed Jeffrey Epstein, but I couldn’t watch more than ten seconds of that rich-wellness-lady-spiritual-journey mumbo jumbo without my morning bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats creeping its way back up my throat.
Goopy Paltrow, seen above doing a perfect impersonation of you every time you see the name “Gwyneth Paltrow” in a headline, is back to give you more material for when your eyes are feeling like they need a good eye-rolling workout. We already know that Goopy could teach a MasterClass on sucking when it comes to giving medical advice, but apparently, Rob Lowe’s wife Sheryl Berkoff taught her how to do a different kind of sucking. If Goopy told me water is wet, I’d need to consult with several water professionals and fish before believing her since bullshit regularly makes an appearance on the tip of her tongue, but I believe her about Sheryl Berkoff. I mean, Sheryl is such a bj aficionado that she married a dude with BLOW in his name.
Gwyneth Paltrow shared her at-home quarantine wellness routine on Goop’s website. In addition to posting some food that looks like a pile of stepped-in dog shit (“a perfect pot of lentils you can stick in the fridge and reach for when you need a quick, plant-based protein,” so she says), she also let us all know she bought her 14-year-old son Moses a 450-piece boob puzzle, as if adolescence isn’t mortifying enough as it is. Still, it’s not like she got him a hooker for his 14th birthday, it’s just boobs. That said, “at least she didn’t get him a hooker for his birthday” was the first thought I had so, Gywneth, you’re doing great sweetie.
Gwyneth Paltrow has had so much time to think in quarantine that she came up with the follow-up to her infamous pussy candle. She was on The Tonight Show via video call from her luxurious looking house (trick has a lit fireplace–in the summer!) and told Jimmy Fallon about her new product. Now you can make your room smell like both a vagina and an orgasm. Perfect! I’ve always wanted my home to smell like a Bang Bros. production set!