While wellness overlord Gwyneth Paltrow is hellbent on subjecting her body and mind to everything under the wellness umbrella, i.e., living off bone broth, ozone therapy up the ass, coochie candles, and vaginal steaming, Rosamund Pike doesn’t buy into any of that shit. Rosamund did an interview with The Guardian to promote her 10-part BBC audio drama, People Who Knew Me, which happened to lodge a few jokes into the script about Gwyneth’s wellness brand, Goop. Rosamund slammed the trending fad of “wellness,” asserting, “We’re all being conned by the wellness industry.”
It seemed like little Hilary Duff had only just grown into her veneers when in the blink of an eye, we were reading that for an ancient, decrepit 35-year-old, she still looks great! She’s been pretty unproblematic for her long celeb tenure, so when she admitted on a podcast that she sometimes practices Gwyneth Paltrow’s widely-criticized morning ritual of not eating food and only getting their tweak on with black coffee, it didn’t sound as alarming or nefarious. The fact that Bethenny Frankel didn’t run to her defense and Hilary didn’t follow it up by trying to peddle and/or eat coochie candle probably also didn’t hurt.
Guess what? Gwyneth Paltrow is back again to talk about her sex life. And this latest tale in the Adventures of Goopy’s Cooch comes from her time in the throes of passion with two former lovers, Brad Pitt, and Ben Affleck. In a recent interview during the Call Her Daddy podcast, host Alex Cooper did some real investigative journalism by asking about two of Gwyneth’s most famous former flames. And Gwyneth probably rushed home afterward, cautiously lit some coochie candles, and ramped the speed up to “YESSSSSSSS!” on her expensive vibrators.
The smugness and hilarity of Gwyneth Paltrow and Terry Sanderson’s 8-day ski accident trial held us in a tight grip a few months ago and ended when the jury sided with Gwyneth and found Terry Sanderson at fault for the crash that caused her to miss “half a day of skiing,” and left him alleged health issues. This meant he’d be on the hook to pay Goopy her sanctimonious statement damages of $1, along with her legal fees. And just when we thought that was all over and a new sham of a case came along to captivate us (Jury Duty, of course), Goop and Terry are back in the news since their lawyers met and eventually agreed to drop the part about him paying her lawyers.
Years ago, when Gwyneth Paltrow and her ex-husband Chris Martin decided it was time to part ways, she didn’t announce it like normal folks. Instead of saying, “Hey y’all, me and Chris are getting divorced,” she instead got all Oxford English professor on us by unleashing the term “conscious uncoupling.” I think we all collectively hated her a bit more for such a pretentious coupling of words, but somehow it caught fire with her horde of brand-addicted zombies who fell in love with Goopy’s way of saying, “We fucked up our marriage.” Now years later, Gwyneth is giving herself a pat on the back for becoming the Dr. Phil of words by helping people accept their situation with the usage of the term.
Gwyneth Paltrow Is A Whole Dollar Richer After A Jury Declares She’s Not Liable In Utah Ski Crash Case
The people of Park City, Utah, better triple mask up unless they want to choke on the massive amounts of snooty smug wafting off Gwyneth Paltrow today. Because Goopy was victorious in her hit-and-run ski accident case. 50-year-old Gwyneth may not have destroyed 76-year-old retired optometrist Dr. Terry Sanderson on the slopes, but she destroyed him in court. The jury ruled that Terry was 100% at fault for the crash. Terry was originally suing Gwyneth for $3.1 million in damages, but that case was dismissed. So he re-filed, asking for $300,000 in damages instead. Gwyneth countersued for $1 in damages plus attorney fees, and that’s what the jury awarded her in court. Goopy’s traveling team of butlers better pull out her best bottle of sparkling bone broth because she’s partying tonight! I bet she’ll even have two glasses. Go wild, Goopy!