Gwyneth Paltrow and Martha Stewart have been busting each other’s Baccarat balls for the last eight years after Martha basically said that the self-proclaimed guru of everything, Gwyneth, should shut her white sturgeon caviar-hole, stick to acting, and stop trying to be Martha Stewart. But Gwyneth never gave up on her dream, and just like every other year she shat out her Goop guide earlier this month. Despite the fact that no one actually uses the gift guide to guide their gift buying and only peruses it to have a quick laugh, Gwyneth spent money on a name-droppy promo (with a Cameron Diaz cameo) to remind everyone that the holidays are quickly approaching and she’s still not ready to let go of Martha’s past reads.
There’s a reason they give you those cute little “I Voted” stickers at the polls, and it’s so you can show the world that you are an informed, responsible, civic-minded individual who has participated in the sacred act of democratic agency upon which our country was built (citation needed), without letting them know that you just copied your husband’s ballot at the 11th hour because you’re a lazy dum-dum who couldn’t get their shit together in time. Now, I don’t know if Katy Perry’s husband Orlando Bloom is the lazy dum-dum in their family or if Katy’s just an ambitious dum-dum. Because Katy got out and voted, but instead of posting a cute ‘lil selfie with her sticker, she took a selfie inside the voting booth that managed to show her entire ass, including who she voted for.
Now that Mariah Carey has given us all the thumbs up to start our Christmas shopping, Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop have burped up their gift list. And since this is Goopy Paltrow we’re talking about, it’s, of course, filled with ridiculous shit, like a BDSM chair that costs as much as a Toyota Prius. But if you’re into masochism, save yourself the $28k and just read any article on Goop. Instant pain and cringe! Now, most people outside of Gwyneth’s tax bracket will be receiving well wishes and Dollar Tree greeting cards. But in her mind, inflation is just a four-letter word created to keep the unfortunate exempt from the luxury she’s accustomed to. And once you take a look at her list of suggested holiday items, you’ll wonder why Santa didn’t shove the gift of common sense into her stocking last year.
Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You To Know She’s Accepting Her ‘Loosening Skin’ And ‘Wrinkles’ Ahead Of Turning Fifty
Next Tuesday, the Princess of Pretension Gwyneth Paltrow will turn fifty years old. And while that birthday is indeed a milestone most people have a hard time accepting, we already know Gwyneth is not like most people. She would NEVER want anyone to think she struggles with the human emotions tied to getting older. Instead, Gwyneth took this as an opportunity to let everyone know she is Mother Time incarnate by stating she doesn’t care about flabby skin or wrinkles because when it comes to getting older, she feels as fresh as the morning dew on the inside. And yes, this latest Gwyneth claim (as with most Gwyneth claims) is getting the side-eye treatment since not too long ago, she was hawking injectables.
Famed alleged “Extortionist,” Gwyneth Paltrow, is about to take her goop business prowess to another level, baby! No, she isn’t opening a multi-level marketing scheme version of goop–though I believe with my soul that it’s coming–Gwyneth will be joining the other rich vampires of Shark Tank to profit off of the ideas of other people who can’t afford to get their businesses started without submitting to the whims of wealthy benefactors. Personally, I think that she will fit right in!
High voltage vibrator vendor Gwyneth Paltrow has continued to give us stability in this ever-changing world. We can always count on her to say stupid shit. Now, we all know Gwyneth has always been an out-of-touch rich lady with too much money and not enough common sense, but during a recent episode of Hailey Bieber‘s YouTube series Who’s In My Bathroom? Gwyneth decided it was time to reveal the real woman behind the $125 GOOPGLOW mask. And that woman is a delusional fool who admits that yes, children of connected people get in the door easily, but once they’re in, they have to work twice as hard and be twice as good.