God bless ya if you’ve been able to keep up with all the fucking Avengers running around here these days. Just looking at the poster for the upcoming Avengers: Endgame movie takes so much concentration. I keep thinking I’m supposed to eventually see a sailboat or some shit. It’s a mess, and it gives me a throbbing, Thanos’ dick-sized migraine. But the poster isn’t nearly as much of a mess as the red carpet for last night’s premiere of Avengers: Endgame: Too Many Spidermen. Not only was every Groot, Korg and Kraglin Obfonteri from the movies there, all the Marvel universe TV characters were there too. It must have been the least exclusive guest list to hit Hollywood since the premiere of Gotti. I mean, they even let Colin Jost in!
I must admit, I was one of those suckers who watched True Blood to the bitter, fairy dusted, laughably accented end. It wasn’t perfect, ok, it wasn’t “good”, but it filled my eyes with many sexy butts plus Lafayette (RIP Nelsan), so I’ll never regret the time I spent in Bon Temps. Turns out, it could have been a lot worse! TB creator Alan Ball spoke about the show on the occasion of its 10th anniversary and revealed that Vampire Beehl was almost played by an alien. Sadly/thankfully, the world was robbed of its opportunity to see Benedict Cumberbatch’s cumberbiscuits when the role of Bill Compton went to Stephen Moyer instead.
There’s a lot of ways to feel like time has just ripped by you like an asshole in a Ferrari. Like realizing we’re coming up on the 20th anniversary of She’s All That (yes it’s true). My recent “How long has it been?” moment came from E! News’s announcement that Benedict Cumberbatch and his wife Sophie Hunter are expecting baby number 3. Three?! Didn’t they just have their first one? No, that was over three years ago, although I’ll admit – they work fast.
Last night, Benedict and Sophie arrived at the Emmys and Sophie was working one of her signature “Bump? What bump?” gowns. According to E!, Sophie is pregnant. Congratulations on the newest otter pup, Benedict! E! doesn’t say how far long she is, or when the baby is due.
This latest baby could definitely kill the conspiracy theory that Benedict and his wife are nothing more than a PR relationship. Come on, Cumberbitches – there’s no way that dealing with three under-5 tantrums at the same time is worth any amount of publicity.
Benedict and Sophie already have a 3-year-old son named Christopher “Kit” Carlton, and a 1-year-old son named Hal Auden. Kit and Hal are the names of famous talking robots that help humans get from A to B. If that’s their criteria for name-picking, I hope this next one is named Garmin. Damn it, someone’s got to pay tribute to that helpful GPS robot.
One of the more joyous cinematic occurrences in 2018 was in Avengers: Infinity War when Benedict Cumberbatch’s Dr. Strange took a moment between intergalactic super-hero death battles to call Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man a “douchebag” to his face. It was entirely accurate and kind of delicious because Dr. Strange is the ever-serious Master of the Mystic Arts and to hear him use common gutter language on that pompous prick Tony Stark was a delight. So Cumberbatch was already officially aces in mine and other people’s minds, and his recent interview with RadioTimes (via Deadline) proved that assessment correct. Cumberbatch revealed that he only takes parts in which his female co-stars make equal pay.
There probably won’t be a season 5 of BBC’s Sherlock because Martin Freeman is a little bitch. Or, Martin doesn’t want to fuck with the show anymore because of the high expectations from rabid Sherlock fans. And you can probably add Benedict Cumberbatch to the list of people who think Martin needs a nappy change. Benedict doesn’t agree with Martin and thinks the fans are A-OK.
Just like Idris Elba before him, Benedict Cumberbatch has gotten together with the fundraising site Omaze to get some money for charity. By donating money to charity, the Cumberbitches will be entered into a drawing where they could win a prize package including airfare to L.A., a fancy hotel stay, tickets to the premiere of Avengers: Infinity War and a tea date with The Alien Lizard King. B. Cums’ people better be making a mental note to cover the floor of the room of his tea date with industrial-strength plastic tarps, because I have a feeling the Cumberbitch who wins is going to squirt out an ocean of crotch curds and whey.
To promote the charity contest, B. Cums did a video where he showed us how to make a perfect cup of hot tea. Now, the way I make a perfect cup of hot tea is to put a couple of spoonfuls of Nestea iced tea powder into a mug full of water and nuke that bitch. But to B. Cums, the perfect way to make a hot cup of tea is to make the tea bag jizz out its natural flavors by talking sexy to it. Thankfully B. Cums stops himself before he pulls out his balls and teabags that teabag.
That video was a mistake, because the Cumberbitch who wins is going to expect him to get into foreplay with his cup of tea in front of her. I can already hear her say, “With one Alien Lizard King hemipenis in it,” when he asks her how she takes her tea.