I was already mad that I had to push way too many buttons on my remote control trying to pull up The Wonderful World Of Disney Presents The Little Mermaid Live! on my DVR (I should only have had to type “the lit” before it popped up but that long ass title had it buried unda da mother fucking sea). That pretty much set the tone for my entire viewing experience. We knew from the teaser trailer that we were in for a low-budget cash grab, but whooah boy. Shaggy phoning it in as Sebastian, the alleged crab-looking Eddie Murphy in Delirious meets Edward Scissorhands drag, was not something I was prepared for. Thank The Gods for Queen Latifah because her Ursula the Sea Witch was the only life form in all of Atlantica that didn’t look like it was about to expire from eating too many plastic bags.
So this is the live The Little Mermaid, not the one which is featuring a black Ariel and making racist people furious online. Although this one’s budget infuriates me. But I guess they splurged on Queen Latifah and had to cut corners on the marketing budget. This is a televised concert of Disney’s The Little Mermaid, which will also star Shaggy as Sebastian, so I can’t wait to see him and a lady crab bangin’ on the ocean floor.
John Stamos recently spoke to GQ about being an elderhottie (I’m not kidding, that’s pretty much the gist of the article, but who can argue?). And because John Stamos will forever be Uncle Jesse to some people, he was of course asked what he thinks about the college bribery situation with Aunt Becky. If Uncle Jesse was actually answering, he might say: “Have mercy and FREE BECKY, thankyuhverymush.” But this is John Stamos, and he was just a bit more subtle in his support of Lori Loughlin.
The Teen Choice Awards always draws a perplexing crowd of adults and very few actual teens. And the adults these unseen teens have chosen this year only reaffirms the stereotype that teens make questionable choices. And judging from some of these blue carpet looks, it’s not just the teen’s choices we should be questioning. Taylor Swift was awarded the first ever Teen Choice Icon award, and possibly a cease and desist letter from Barbra Eden for stealing her look. What else can I say, one day she looks like Pollyanna, the next day she looks like a rich older lady sitting at a bar in The Forum at Caesar’s Palace working on her fourth whiskey sour and her third husband. Do you like her outfit? She got it at Versayce.
Early Reviews Of “Mary Poppins Returns” Are Looking Good. Can We Say The Same About The Fashions At The Premiere?
Last night was the world premiere of the much anticipated/hyped Mary Poppins Returns starring Emily Blunt as everybody’s favorite bitchy babysitter. The early reviews are in, and either nobody wants to be the Grinch who shat on Christmas, or it hit its mark. According to Cinema Blend, the majority of the reviews are overwhelmingly positive. One critic called it “practically perfect in every way“. And for the most part, the red carpet looks at the premiere were pretty good too, for the women and children. However, there was a problem in the menswear department.
John Stamos Was Really, Really Excited To Tell The Story About The Time “Fuller House” Was Playing In The Jack Off Room At A Fertility Clinic
I was going to throw a “How rude” GIF into this post, but Michelle Tanner doesn’t deserve to be associated with this unnecessary sucioness. She’s been through enough!
John Stamos was on Busy Tonight (aka Busy Philips’ Instagram page but with a studio audience) to promote the beauty and magnificence of John Stamos (and some other stuff too, who cares), and Busy asked him an innocent question about what he and his wife Mrs. John Stamos (I’m sure that’s what he calls her) binge-watched while taking care of their son Billy (who is SO lucky to have John Stamos’ genes). John joked that they binged Full House (you know it wasn’t a joke), and then he nearly made a sperm sample in his panties over getting to tell everyone a story he’s been waiting to tell. John really has been wanting to dribble at the mouth about how he was about to milk a baby batter nut into a cup at a fertility place when he turned on the TV and Fuller House was playing. Do I want the image of John Stamos fapping, sure, but now I miss a more innocent time when I didn’t have the dark-sided image of John Stamos fapping to Fuller House.