Thankfully A Bit More Effort Was Put Into The Fashions After The Oscars

We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that. 

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The Indulgence That Kate Bosworth Will Never Give Up Is….Ketchup

Today is a day that is happening, which means there’s another famous trick going on about how they keep their body grasshopper dick skinny and stay healthy by eating a steady diet of distilled water and almond-scented air sandwiches. Kate Bosworth admits that her regular every day diet is almost as bland as she is, but she does allow her taste buds to tingle over a touch of deliciousness. Kate says that the one indulgence you will never be able to pry out of her claws is a bottle of ketchup. That’s a lot different than the daily indulgence you will never be able to pry out of my claws: a Hershey bar and weed-infused Nutella sandwich. Did I say indulgence? I meant necessity.

At the launch of a topical acne ointment, Kate talked to Self magazine about what she puts in her mouth on a daily basis, and she said that she’s on a wheat-free, sugar-free and mostly-dairy-free meal plan. She still drinks the leche of goats. Kate’s secret to making her food delicious is ketchup. If eating tons of ketchup red-ifies your caca, then the inside of Kate’s toilet must look like an episode of Game of Thrones, because she puts it on everything! The Ketchup Song is her life anthem.

But of course, the 33-year-old actress has that one thing she could never cut out. “Ketchup is the indulgence that I never give up. Ketchup on everything,” she said.

Bosworth knows that although this diet is delicious, it’s a bit strict. And she revealed that she only eats this way 80 percent of the time. When she goes to Montana to spend time with her husband Michael Polish, it’s a totally different story. She’s drinking whiskey, chowing down on burgers, and cooking ragu in between riding horses and swimming.

Maybe Kate is really on to something. If I put ketchup on all of my food, my daily calorie intake would go from like 3,000 calories to 3 calories a day. But I wonder, Kate says she puts ketchup on everything, but does she really put it on everything? If so, then Kate and her husband’s friends now know why their crotches always reek of tomato bisque.

Here’s the ketchup-head at the launch of that topical acne ointment in NYC on June 3rd.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

I Guess That Pretty Much Answers The Question: “Is Kerry Washington Pregnant”

When two sources “confirmed” that Kerry Washington had another baby growing in her belly yesterday, I made a joke that Kerry would confirm it herself by posing on the red carpet of the Met Gala with her hand placed on her stomach. And last night Kerry Washington hit the Met Gala red carpet with her hand on her stomach. Although I almost didn’t notice that hand because I was too distracted by that purple hair. Mon Dieu (splashes self with holy water), that hair! I am so conflicted. It’s not permanent (Instagram tells me that those are extensions), so that’s good. It sort of looks like the kind of fake hair you’d find on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which makes me want to pour myself a hot mug of penicillin. On the other hand, it looks like it was found on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which means it’s 100% pure fake hair perfection.

I’ve known some pregnant people, and one thing I’ve gleaned is that sometimes being knocked up makes you do some crazy things. Case in point: the gorgeous black lace boudoir ensemble Kerry is wearing. I feel like non-knocked up Kerry wouldn’t wear that. But knocked up Kerry? Sure! The more black lace the better. Or maybe this is Kerry’s way of paying tribute to Prince. If Prince designed maternity clothes, I’m almost positive that’s what he’d make.

Kerry didn’t exactly do much with the technology theme, but there were a few people who tried. Let’s start with Demi Lovato.

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Why Do I All Of A Sudden Have A Craving For French’s Mustard?

Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).

Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:

1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.

2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.

But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).

And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.

Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Kate Bosworth Casually Lets Everyone Know She’s Engaged

Kate Bosworth, the upside down broom that Hollywood decided to turn into an actress, has been rubbing her unflavored bits all over writer, director and actor Michael Polish of Twin Falls Idaho for about a year now and it seems like he’s put a hitchin’ ring on her skin-covered phalange. Kate wrote some post about her trip to Seoul, South Korea for Vogue and in it, she called MP her “fiancé.” What does it all mean? Does this mean Kate Bosworth is engaged?! (“Yes, it means she’s engaged and yes, answering questions about Kate ‘Non-Muthafuqin Factor’ Bosworth’s personal life tells me that I need to spend my brain power on more important things like reading the ingredient list on a box of Knox Gelatine.” – you) Here’s what Kate wrote:

On our first day in Seoul, my fiancé, Michael Polish, and I venture out to discover Changdeokgung Palace. As soon as we enter, it is like magically being transported to a different world—this awe-inspiring, sprawling place was originally built in 1405. We explore ancient towers, pavilions, and the beautiful “secret gardens,” and the feeling is serene, peaceful, and ancient. What is interesting about Seoul is the juxtaposition between modern-day skyscrapers, towering over ancient preserved buildings.

BARF.

Kate used to regularly see the faces of all the Norse gods right before she came thunderbolts while riding Mount ASkars, so any trick she humps after that is going to be a major downgrade. With that being said, bitch did good for herself. In almost every picture I see of Kate, she looks cold, wilty from not eating food things and on the verge of asking you for a cigarette. In almost every picture I see of MP, he looks cold, wilty from not eating food things and on the verge of asking you for a cigarette. They’re perfect each other! Together, they can look cold and hungry while they ask strangers for two cigarettes.

via People

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Everything Is This?

My wet dreams tell me that when you take a mythical ride on the mighty hammer of Thor on ASkars’ crotch, you are suddenly shot into a magical world of wonder where all nipples look like they belong in a Maynards bag and you develop an uncanny ability to make complete sense out of assembly instructions for Ikea furniture. So the fall from that euphoric orgasm is probably a hard one and leads you to do dark and dirty shit. Unfortunately for Kate’s stomach, that “dark and dirty shit” doesn’t involve eating something other than water soup and oxygen burgers. Instead of eating her feelings, Kate is fugging up her feelings and wearing them all over her body.

While leaving a Coldplay concert in L.A. last night with movie director Michael Polish, Kate looked like a wet troll doll stuck on top of a pencil. Easter egg dye is reserved only for hard boiled eggs, not for the splintery mop of straw on your head, ho.

When you tell who ever is doing your hair that you want it to look like a melted Firecracker Popsicle without the fire and he quits your ass on the spot, you should take that as a hint. Bitch looks like the broom my abuelita used when she tried to sweep blue cake frosting off of the patio after my 7th birthday party. (Yeah, I don’t know why abuelitas always try to sweep shit that isn’t sweepable.)

Although, Kate did show up to a Coldplay concert even though there were rumors that Chris Martin cheated on Fishy with her, so I’ll give her that. Anything that makes Fishsticks Paltrow ask the concierge at her hotel in Paris where the nearest organic kitten imported from Holland is so she can punch it is fine by me. (Note: I do not condone taking out your frustrations on a kitten. Organic or otherwise.)