For the past two years, Justin Theroux hasn’t had much time to care about whether his ex Jennifer Aniston was sad, lonely, hooking up with Brad again, or whatever she’s been doing to pass the time since they split. Because he was too busy having his lawyer fight the downstairs neighbor of his Greenwich Village apartment after several years worth of apartment drama came to a head. Luckily for Justin, he’ll be spending his summer in black jorts drinking artisanal tequila cocktails, and not drinking room-temperature courtroom water in a suit. TMZ says his battle is over for now, and he won.
I’m still getting over the PTSD of scanning through Instagram yesterday and see how half of Hollywood was at Jennifer Aniston’s 50th birthday celebration. Not since Taylor Swift’s squad era has there been such a case of “How da FUQ are these people all friends?” Jen even made me shed a tear of petty pride after she went from “debating” inviting her ex-husband, Brad Pitt, to her birthday to actually having him there – all while he is in the middle of a nasty-ass divorce from Angelina Jolie! Don’t fret, Angelina, maybe y’all can ex-boo thang swap because Justin Theroux wasn’t at Jen’s party…even though he wished her a happy birthday yesterday.
Even though the media loves a good ol’ Poor, Sad Jen narrative, Jennifer Aniston is saying not to cry for her again. Jennifer Aniston doesn’t care if you think she’s struck out 0-2 on her marriages, because that’s not the way she sees it.
Justin Theroux has been linked to so many people since his split from Jennifer Aniston. If there was an unofficial Justin Theroux Rebound Bingo game, someone would have at least four corners and a line by now. Most recently though, he declined to comment on whether he was with Emma Stone or Selena Gomez or Petra Collins by telling the New York Times: “Is this the part where I coyly raise an eyebrow and not answer the question?”
He might not be saying who he’s coyly raising any of his body parts around, but we can once again look at the clues and wildly speculate. People points out that 47-year-old Justin was spotted yesterday in Paris, France with Spider-Man: Homecoming actress, 28-year-old Laura Harrier.
Justin Theroux Steps Out with Spider-Man Actress Laura Harrier in Paris https://t.co/EjUMA9idvc
— People (@people) October 2, 2018
Before you go thinking: “Come on, plenty of guys in their late-40s wander aimlessly around the romantic streets of Paris in Autumn with their late-20s female friends,” this isn’t new. Justin and Laura were rumored to be casually hanging out in France earlier this summer. At the time, Laura denied anything was going on by telling Elle: “We all work together for [Louis Vuitton] and have become friends.” Reps for Justin and Laura declined People’s request for a comment, so we don’t know for sure.
But if they are dating, then I wish them the best, especially Laura. Normally an almost 20-year age difference would cause the older person to struggle to relate to the younger person. But Justin prides himself on being that hipster that knows everything before everyone else, so this might be the first time the younger person feels out of touch. “Oh my god, you don’t know what reverse-pecan water is?? That’s so cute.”
Bounty of dick Justin Theroux did an interview with the New York Times in which he spoke about splitting from Jennifer Aniston. Justin was obviously taking notes whenever he and Jennifer hung around with GOOP and Coldplay because he describes the implosion of his marriage as a “gentle separation.” That means he had sanity enough not to challenge the pre-nup. Friends money can buy a caliber of lawyer that would have left Justin with nothing but two differently matched hipster boots and tumbleweeds blowing out of his wallet on the chain.
Seen above looking like she’s taking one quirky shit, Jennifer Aniston is on the cover InStyle’s September issue, and inside she talks to her friend/Jimmy Kimmel Live! co-head writer/Jimmy Kimmel’s wife Molly McNearney to promote her movie Dumplin, where she plays a former beauty queen. Molly and Aniston met through Justin Theroux, and have stayed friends even after she split up with the living and breathing pair of black meggings. Aniston and Molly don’t talk about Justin, but they do talk about how the tabloids and bloggers (for why is everybody looking at me?) continue to paint her as a human pile of uncooked cookie dough who squirts out lonely tears from her crying holes as she clutches her Baby Alive doll while staring at the window and waiting for the stork to bring her a real-life baby of her own. Again, Jen is FINE. She’s not heartbroken and wishes bitches would keep their magnifying glasses out of her womb.