It’s been exactly one month since the suburban tween girl version of the Hatfield-McCoy feud officially ended, and we’re once again living in a world where Katy Perry and Taylor Swift are giving each other big, dramatic study hall hugs at their lockers. We knew the ice began to melt after Katy sent Taylor a literal olive branch one year ago. But now Katy is filling everyone in on all the details. And it sounds like it was ripped out of The Taylor Swift Super-Fun Sleepover Handbook.
Katy Perry is diversifying. She’s torn a page right out of Soulja Boy’s Big Book Of Big Ideas and is slapping her name on all manner of products. Simultaneously, she’s out here promoting a very Goop on a budget lifestyle. Trust me, if you already think you know too much about Goop’s poops, you are not ready to hear about Perry’s dingleberries.
Katy was probably prompted to open up about her love of enemas as part of her “Ayurvedic eating and cleansing” routine because she and fiancé Orlando Bloom are recent investors in Bragg Live Food Products. That’s the company that ruined my childhood with their nutritional yeast, which by law, is liberally sprinkled on every bowl of popcorn served in the city of Berkeley. Bragg is also known for their apple cider vinegar and that crusty bottle of amino acids that’s been in the back of my aunt’s cabinet for the last 20 years. Katy calls that shit “mindful eating”.
Karlie Kloss, the nebulous mist that manifests itself into a vague human form and hosts Project Runway, had the second wedding of her dreams over the weekend. Karlie and her husband of 8 months Joshua Kushner, hosted a 3-day wedding celebration on a Wyoming ranch, presumably for friends who couldn’t make it to their intimate 80-person Jewish wedding in October of last year. I don’t know if Taylor Swift was out of town again or what, but she wasn’t there. That meant there was room for Karlie’s replacement BFF, Katy Perry and her fiancé Orlando Bloom. And it looks like Josh’s brother and sister-in-law Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump’s beds were given up to make room for a few dozen sweaty Brokeback Mountain jokes. So overall, an upgrade.
There’s a big reveal at the end of Taylor Swift’s new music video, “You Need To Calm Down” (aka “Taylor Discovered Drag Brunch“). Taylor spots her arch nemesis, Katy Perry, across a crowded food fight, and they embrace, thus ending their nearly five-year-long feud. Two grown women finally acted like grown women – albeit while dressed like children in a pageant about the food pyramid. As it turns out, Taylor and Katy’s hug wasn’t the peace dove we all thought it was, as they had already been friends for some time.
To the excitement of her fans (and the chagrin of many others), Taylor Swift dropped the video for “You Need To Calm Down” this morning, and it’s exactly what you’d expect from Taylor’s newest era. In case you’re not up to speed, Country Taylor was replaced by I LUV BOYS Taylor who was replaced by Girl Power Taylor who was replaced by Revenge Taylor who has been most recently replaced by Gay Pride Taylor. Because a stone wall is no longer just a way to keep the regulars out of her multi-million dollar summer home.
There was a time when the mere mention of putting high school-style enemies Taylor Swift and Katy Perry in the same room would have made both of them run for their diaries and glitter gel pens and scribble stuff like, “I’d rather eat cat barf” or “Over my dead body! Actually, that witch would probably enjoy that.” But that time is gone, and Taylor and Katy are on somewhat friendly terms now. Neither wants to slam the other into the lockers, or spit in their pudding. But they might be even better than we thought.