Amy Schumer Slapped Back At People Who Shamed Her For Returning To Stand-Up Two Weeks After Giving Birth
It’s been just over two weeks since Amy Schumer gained a lot more gross-out standup material by giving birth to her son with that name, Gene Attell Fischer. Two weeks is what I call a “fresh one” – basically, baby Gene probably still has that squishy little face that makes most newborns look like the alien baby from Men in Black. And there are people out there who let Amy know they think her baby is still a little too fresh to be away from her while she does standup. And Amy wasn’t having any of it.
If you thought that Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge naming their son Archie and not giving him a title was cruel and usual punishment, then stop it, he’s a royal, will never have to worry about a negative bank account balance, and can ask his cousin, Future King George, to send any bitches to the guillotine for making fun of him. Besides, you should really direct your sympathy to Amy Schumer’s son, because no amount of Rectiv ointment is going to heal him of the pain he’ll suffer through when he realizes what his alleged name is. That’s if his mom isn’t fucking with us.
The comedy pairing of black people’s nightmares: Amy Schumer and Lena Dunham have let it be known that they are good friends. And how did they become such close buddies? Did they braid each other’s hair while listening to the new Taylor Swift album? Did they make potpourri together with organic-grown daffodils? Did they stumble upon each other at Whole Foods and get into a deep conversation about gluten allergies? No! It turns out they bonded over the fact that both of them are well-hated by the public. I mean… I guess we all have something in common with someone…
If you think Kevin Hart is still smarting from his self-dismissal and public flogging after that Oscar hosting debacle, think again. Kevin Hart don’t give a fuck. He’s the second highest-paid comedian in the entire world, according to Forbes, and can afford to buy his own internet that’s just him and Nick Cannon sending cute GIFs back and forth. No, Kevin is not bothered in the least. He’s so rich he’s standing on an apple crate and laughing into a gilded mirror, pointing at himself like “You the man, dog!”, “no YOU the man!”. Yes, Kevin’s laughing all the way to the bank, and jumping up and down so the teller can see he’s there.
Under normal circumstances I’d applaud Amy Schumer for taking a principled stand against the NFL by refusing to do any Super Bowl commercials this year and discouraging musicians from playing the halftime show. Luckily I can save my energy. Amy’s got the applause covered herself, and doesn’t need the help. Amy recently posted a note on Instagram congratulating herself for stickin’ it to the NFL with a single IG post in which she encouraged Maroon 5 to back out of the SB gig. In it she cites her own courage and moral conviction as the reason the NFL hasn’t yet signed a second act. Amy did that you guys.
Shrieky comedian Kevin Hart was dropped out as the 2019 Oscar host because he refused to apologize for some homophobic tweets from his past that came back up (not to mention how he refused to say he was wrong for his son’s cowboys and Indians-themed birthday party). The Academy told Kevin to acknowledge and apologize for the tweets or get the fuck out. Kevin refused, saying he had already addressed the tweets in the past. So Kevin got the fuck out, and then apologized. Maybe he didn’t want to jeopardize a future Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards hosting gig. Kevin’s friend, the extra extra extra Nick Cannon, came to his defense by posting past tweets from several well-known female comedians that used the f-bomb and subtly suggested that Hollywood is full of hypocrisy. Well, DUH.