We all have pet names. I call my cat tons of things apart from his actual name. Yes it’s sad that I said, “my cat” instead of “my boyfriend” but that’s where things are right now. So it’s not weird that Joaquin Phoenix has a pet name for his maybe fiancee Rooney Mara, but since they’re so ~edgy~ and ~different~, it’s not something like honey or baby. It’s apparently “filthy dragon.”
There was a time when it was absolutely beyond the realm of possibility to imagine Joaquin Phoenix and Rooney Mara apathetically mumbling “I do” while someone on a vintage Moog synthesizer plays a non-traditional wedding march. Because Joaquin and Rooney allegedly thought marriage was “too mainstream” for them.
But then in May, Rooney was seen with a ring on her wedding finger, and it sure didn’t look like a Victorian mourning hair ring, which is the only sentimental kind of ring I would assume Rooney would wear. Well, Us Weekly says that Joaquin and Rooney aren’t the couple we thought they were, because they’re engaged after all.
Sibling rivalry, thy name is Mara. The day after her sister Kate Mara announced the birth of her daughter with Jamie Bell, Rooney Mara decided to don her best flannel and parade around Los Angeles wearing a big fat diamond ring. Last summer there were reports that Rooney and her man Joaquin Phoenix were never going to get married because marriage is “too mainstream” and doesn’t fit their holistic, vegan lifestyle. But now it seems as if Rooney’s looking at that greasy salami we call matrimony that her sister is munching on, and it’s making her hongray.
“They’re never going to get married because they think marriage is too mainstream… Joaquin transforms all his girlfriends into being holistic, vegan, spiritual and into saving the world.”
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! That’s my red-flag warning sensor going the fuck off. Joaquin “transforms” his girlfriends? I’ve always said don’t you ever change for a man. Especially one who looks like he was lost in the woods for a decade. And what the fuck is mainstream about marriage? Only half of couples even succeed at it!
I braced myself for the worst when it was reported that very white person Rooney Mara would be playing Mary Magdalene and Joaquin Phoenix would be playing Jesus in a movie. It’s a good thing I did otherwise I might be on my ass with a broken tailbone after watching the first trailer for Mary Magdalene.
Variety reports that the rumors are true, Claire Foy of The Crown will take over for Rooney Mara and play Lisbeth Salander in the Daniel Craig-less sequel to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Claire will be ditching the fancy hat and gloves and donning some dark hacker gear to star in The Girl In The Spider’s Web. Director Fede Alvarez said this about casting her:
“Claire is an incredible, rare talent who will inject a new and exciting life into Lisbeth. I can’t wait to bring this new story to a worldwide audience, with Claire Foy at its center.”
What he doesn’t say is how Claire is going to inject new and exciting life, and I have a pretty good idea: CORGIS! Claire should sneak onto The Crown set and swipe two or three of those yapping bitches (and maybe a photo of Prince Philip’s young butt from season one) and use them in The Girl In The Spider’s Web. Those corgis may not stand tall, but those little paws move fast and could probably hack a hell of a lot quicker than Lisbeth!