Because not every movie can be Spider-Man, Hollywood has gone back to one of their more reliable wells. It’s time to dig through the catalog of stars past, and see who is next up in the running to be the subject of a buzzy prestige biopic. And that person is beloved Oscar-winning actress and UNICEF humanitarian Audrey Hepburn! And according to Deadline, this biopic’s Audrey will be played by Rooney Mara.
Because Joaquin Phoenix and Rooney Mara seem to be a mix of eco-vegan and weird, it would have made sense for them to announce they were having a baby with some kind of sustainable kombucha SCOBY-blooming ceremony that represents the creation of their fetus. They did not. Instead, they kept it relatively normal by simply existing while people whispered about seeing Rooney in baggy clothing, and generally letting everyone come to their own conclusion about what that meant. Once again, Joaquin and Rooney have let someone else do the talking about their baby, which has allegedly already been born. And they kept it normal and meaningful with the name, by paying tribute to Joaquin’s late brother, River Phoenix.
Well, whaddaya know? Joaquin Phoenix and Rooney Mara are expecting their first child together. This comes about a year after getting engaged. Page Six reports that Rooney’s been seen wearing super baggy clothes to cover her stomach, and the filthy dragon baby in her sullen goth womb may have been in there for around six months.
More news from the movie franchise that just refuses to die. For anybody interested, the never-ending subject of “who should be the next Batman” now features another missed contender to add to its complicated history––only this one is the most random AND the least likely to ever come to light.
I’m fucking kidding of course. This year’s Oscars red carpet was about as glamorous as a back alley gluteal augmentation. Not even red carpet darling Billy Porter could save this parade of half-baked ideas which ranged from Saoirse Ronan’s front butt ruffle to Laura Dern’s titty-tassels. The real kicker is that, for reasons I will never accept, Blac Chyna was invited to pose for hundreds of pictures looking like a second string (ok, twelfth string) Cruella de Vil who smothered Cookie Monster with her bosom, skinned him with her talons and used his pelt for this dress. Meanwhile, the cast of Best Picture winning Parasite, were only photographed together in a group. The fuck? At least they let them use the slo-mo cam which is a big improvement on Giuliana Rancic’s (below, go easy on her, she’s dealing with some intestinal distress) Mani-Cam of yore.
Just because all of the BAFTA acting nominations went to white people, that doesn’t mean the white people that were nominated are afraid of a little color (not sure we can’t say the same for the BAFTA president Prince William). While some stars like Margot Robbie, who looked like she just came from a beloved aunt’s funeral (with Olivia Colman looking like said beloved aunt), went for basic black, and some like Renée Zellweger and Scarlett Johansson opted for a pastel palette, a few ladies took the opportunity to brighten up the foggy London town night by putting the “u” in colour. Take for example Florence Pugh whose hot pink housecoat doubles as a parachute in case the feds come knocking at the brothel door and she has to make a quick exit out of a 4th story window and hop into the horse drawn carriage waiting below.