Sibling rivalry, thy name is Mara. The day after her sister Kate Mara announced the birth of her daughter with Jamie Bell, Rooney Mara decided to don her best flannel and parade around Los Angeles wearing a big fat diamond ring. Last summer there were reports that Rooney and her man Joaquin Phoenix were never going to get married because marriage is “too mainstream” and doesn’t fit their holistic, vegan lifestyle. But now it seems as if Rooney’s looking at that greasy salami we call matrimony that her sister is munching on, and it’s making her hongray.
“They’re never going to get married because they think marriage is too mainstream… Joaquin transforms all his girlfriends into being holistic, vegan, spiritual and into saving the world.”
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! That’s my red-flag warning sensor going the fuck off. Joaquin “transforms” his girlfriends? I’ve always said don’t you ever change for a man. Especially one who looks like he was lost in the woods for a decade. And what the fuck is mainstream about marriage? Only half of couples even succeed at it!
I braced myself for the worst when it was reported that very white person Rooney Mara would be playing Mary Magdalene and Joaquin Phoenix would be playing Jesus in a movie. It’s a good thing I did otherwise I might be on my ass with a broken tailbone after watching the first trailer for Mary Magdalene.
Variety reports that the rumors are true, Claire Foy of The Crown will take over for Rooney Mara and play Lisbeth Salander in the Daniel Craig-less sequel to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Claire will be ditching the fancy hat and gloves and donning some dark hacker gear to star in The Girl In The Spider’s Web. Director Fede Alvarez said this about casting her:
“Claire is an incredible, rare talent who will inject a new and exciting life into Lisbeth. I can’t wait to bring this new story to a worldwide audience, with Claire Foy at its center.”
What he doesn’t say is how Claire is going to inject new and exciting life, and I have a pretty good idea: CORGIS! Claire should sneak onto The Crown set and swipe two or three of those yapping bitches (and maybe a photo of Prince Philip’s young butt from season one) and use them in The Girl In The Spider’s Web. Those corgis may not stand tall, but those little paws move fast and could probably hack a hell of a lot quicker than Lisbeth!
Yesterday’s winners for Most Low-Key Hollywood Couple Confirming Coupledom, Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx, can go right ahead and step back into whatever secretive hidey-hole they’ve been in, because there’s a new winner in town. The New York Times’ T-Magazine (via Page Six) has revealed that Joaquin Phoenix and not-so-secret lover Rooney Mara are certified roommates with benefits.
Learning that someone never had pie until they were fully into adulthood inspires the same reaction as when someone tells you they’ve never seen a Star Wars movie. They receive an outraged look and a befuddled “really bitch?!?” This comparison might not make sense to you if you’re not a huge dork like me. So, yeah, Nosferatu-esque actress Rooney Mara claims she didn’t have pie until she was a grown-ass woman. I’d arrest the parents.